When I was faced with the sudden need to start a new life after the Final Narcissistic Discard at the hands of my toxic ex, the Gay Narcissist, I kept hearing the same advice over and over again.
I needed to work on myself.
I hated that advice—even back then, when I was much softer of heart in my then-incarnation as a walking emotional wound. I didn’t dislike it as much as being told to “move on” by countless people, but I still found it trite and hollow.
No one had any insight into what they meant by it, either. It was nothing more than a syrupy Instagram meme people spouted off to sound encouraging.
There’s a catch, though.
Much like the “moving on” catchphrase, “working on yourself” does mean something—but you don’t know it until you’re well on your way.
Victim Mentality
When the Final Narcissistic Discard happened, there was one thing I refused to do.
I would not beg.
I very well might have some of the worst self esteem known to mankind, but in that moment, I refused to beg the Gay Narcissist to change his mind. I did not plead with him and I did not make threats. The most I did was ask him to go to couple’s counseling. But he declined, citing that it was already done in his mind and he wanted to move on.
So be it, then.
I was a total wreck, but still, I let it be.
I am glad I did.
During the original (supposedly) heartfelt talk I had with the Gay Narcissist (the first installment of the two-part Final Narcissistic Discard), he failed to mention something important. He didn’t tell me he was leaving me for my replacement, the New Supply.
I had my suspicions, but I was still gullible enough to believe he was telling me the truth. The Gay Narcissist was lying, though—the Gay Narcissist was lying so much that he actively plotted with the New Supply about when they would both discard their respective boyfriends in one fell swoop. They went so far as to gossip about who was going to take the news worse—me or the New Supply’s soon-to-be ex.
It was decided between them that I’d be the basket case, and the New Supply’s boyfriend would take the news well. The opposite happened. I took the news with as much stoicism as possible, and the other guy melted down.
In a way, it was the beginning of me “working on myself”—I was fighting against my desire to be a complete victim.
Disposable Option… At Best
I wrote in the essay, “Narcissism & Seduction | “I Think You’re Great… Now Get Lost,” that narcissists, sociopaths, and other kinds of disturbed characters and dark personalities are all about luring a target into a relationship so he or she can ensnare a partner for caregiving.
When you still have use as a target, you’re in.
When you loose your use, you’re out.
Narcissists and sociopaths load us up with plenty of compliments and flattery early on during the love-bombing and idealization phase. We eat it up, unfortunately.
And this, to me, is one of the biggest steps in “working on yourself”—figuring out why we eat up all of the flattery and attention of love bombing. By figuring it out, then hopefully we won’t fall for it again.
Because it absolutely feels good and is hard to turn away from.
But there’s more to it than that. We fall for the narcissists in our lives because we feel inadequate for some reason (or many) and these toxic individuals are experts at targeting those weaknesses and exploiting them. We get what we want. They get what they want.
That’s until the shift happens and devaluation starts. We as the targets start putting a lot more energy into the toxic partner, and they continually take more and more from us. No person alive can keep up with every single demand from a narcissist, because a narcissist is a bottomless pit of needs and demands. You’ll always fail—and you should fail.
Why? Because it’s not your job to be the indentured servant of another person.
Why should any of us exist to please another person completely while we’re treated, in turn, like disposable options at best and and total garbage at worst.
Dusting Yourself Off
But with all of that effort put into the narcissist, what about us?
That’s the problem, isn’t it?
This is something I think about a lot… why do we give so incredibly much to people who treat us so terribly? This is more of a rhetorical question, because we’ve heard the rationalizations before.
But in the end, I believe it’s very simple. We feel bad about ourselves, and narcissists and sociopaths identify that, target it, and then weaponize it to get us under their control. And based upon my own experiences and all of the experiences I’ve heard over the years, this primary tactic works well.
It never fails, though. We eventually start working for the narcissist. And during this process we are gaslighting ourselves. We tell ourselves that everything is fine and will only get better when we reach fake milestones we dream up in our minds.
Returning to the essay I previously mentioned, I wrote the following:
We don’t start unwinding these narratives of self-abuse until we learn what narcissists, dysfunctional personalities, and disturbed characters look like in everyday life. We don’t start understanding that we were scammed until we take into account the totality of our toxic relationships.
We usually figure this all out upon discovering important descriptive (though non-diagnostic, contrary to common belief) words like narcissism and narcissist and narcissistic relationship. I am using possessive pronouns here because I was very much trapped in the same cycle as everyone else until I started climbing out of my own personal hole once learning about those words and their true meanings.
I’d argue the second phase of all of this is more difficult than the first. Because now that a pattern is recognized and acknowledged, we need to truly accept it for what it is. And admitting we were scammed and manipulated by another person—likely a seductive narcissist who is really laying it on thick—is incredibly difficult.
We might feel bad about ourselves when the narcissist initially targets us, but eventually we prove just how powerful our own minds are because we’re taking care of the narcissist while also weaving complex illusions about the lives we are trapped in.
So, what to do?
Well, when you finally break free from the narcissist, stop ignoring all of the obvious signs. Accept the truth, stop gaslighting yourself, and have the strength of character to stand up, dust yourself off, and start moving on by working on yourself.
For you’ve already begun the process of doing these things, and that’s power.
No way is it going to be easy, but once you are faced with a series of decisions after your see the narcissist for who he or she is, accept that truth and invest in yourself for once.
It’s worth it.
