The other week I wrote about the first steps of “working on yourself” as they creep up in your psyche, even if they originally go unnoticed.
As I said then: I hate empty self-help platitudes like “working on yourself” and “moving on.” I don’t find them helpful, especially at the beginning of a difficult life transition. They come off as trite, and you’re likely to feel like you’re doing something wrong or you’re not progressing correctly.
Who needs that?
An individual coming out of a painful and maddening situation, such as a toxic relationship, already has enough bullshit going on upstairs in the head without worrying about following a proper “healing” schedule. I know people mean well, and we rely on our friends and family when the going gets tough, but sometimes it’s best to leave out the advice and just offer a listening ear.
Still, doing the “work” is something that needs to happen—but it usually occurs throughout the process of making the decision to disentangle from the dysfunctional person in your life.
Self Investment
Deciding that enough is enough is always the first step of meaningful self-work.
I wrote the following in my previous essay on the topic:
When the Final Narcissistic Discard happened, there was one thing I refused to do.
I would not beg.
I very well might have some of the worst self esteem known to mankind, but in that moment, I refused to beg the Gay Narcissist to change his mind. I did not plead with him and I did not make threats. The most I did was ask him to go to couple’s counseling. But he declined, citing that it was already done in his mind and he wanted to move on.
So be it, then.
I was a total wreck, but still, I let it be.
That event was crucial. It was the first time in years I finally decided that I was done with my ex, the Gay Narcissist.
When a person in your life, especially a romantic partner, treats you with flippant ambivalence?
Fuck that.
It’s going to hurt, it’s going to feel impossible, and you’re going to want to throw in the towel and try to make up with the disturbed character—narcissist, sociopath, whatever.
But don’t.
Do everything in your power to resist the urge. My biggest recommendation is physical activity. Work the fuck out of your body. Push your weight-lifting limits. Go on insanely long walks. The activity will release some endorphins. Exhausting your body will help slow down your mind and promote better sleep. Along with this, make every effort possible to eat as well as you can.
These steps mixed with white-knuckling it through the initial phase of breaking away from the narcissist or sociopath are the first steps of working on yourself. You’re no longer throwing your energy at someone who does not care about you and who can only be bothered when it’s easy and convenient.
Instead, you are now investing that energy into yourself.
Paying Attention To Bad Behavior
Fess up—if you’re fresh out of a narcissistic relationship, then you’re watching you’re narcissist’s every move.
I don’t begrudge it when people obsess over a toxic ex. I view it as part of the process of letting go of the individual—so long as you’re paying attention to all of the bad behavior post-breakup.
For example, it’s a safe bet that a toxic ex will not stay single long. He or she probably had someone waiting off-stage for you to get out of the way so the replacement can fill the vacuum as quickly as possible.
It’s painful and devastating. I’ve documented my own experiences with the Final Narcissistic Discard and the installation of my own replacement, the New Supply. The Gay Narcissist wasted no time filling my role. Being single was not an option for him.
It took many months for me to move past the raw emotions of the whole experience. But I do believe it was possible because I was paying attention to what the Gay Narcissist was doing, and I was challenging my feelings. How wrapped up and devastated did I want to be over a guy who treats people like disposable objects so casually?
I finally realized I didn’t want to obsess over someone like that at all.
Such a realization is a huge step as you “work on yourself.”
Fighting The FOMO
Figuring out what’s important to you is the next huge step once the fog of your toxic ex’s influence starts to clear.
For me, it was pretty simple.
First of all, not wasting money was immensely important. I’ve written before about how the Gay Narcissist was a big spender, and he was more than comfortable asking me for my own money when he blew through his. And I was sometimes too willing to part with it just for his pleasure.
So when the Gay Narcissist was finally gone and out of my life, I went on financial lockdown. But after a time I realized I was just spending responsibly—no lockdown needed.
The constant running around came to a stop, too.
It took time for the FOMO to wear off. I was terrified the Gay Narcissist was living his “best life” (another stupid and self-indulgent platitude my fellow millennials love) and I couldn’t stand my own company in a quiet room.
This did end, eventually, and I reverted back to living a quiet and modest life. It’s what I’m still living to this day. I do get FOMO occasionally, and I do catch myself cloistering away too much, and I remedy it by breaking out of my shell.
This was a huge step in working on myself—just living sensibly and calmly.
True Self Development
Originally, the FOMO pushed me into prematurely dating.
I didn’t want to, and I knew that deep down. But I didn’t know what else to do with myself, as I was seeking outside approval to fill the void of the Gay Narcissist.
What a big mistake.
I was a basket case after the Final Narcissistic Discard and in no position to be anything to anyone beyond a rambling nuisance talking in endless circles. Thankfully, I came to a crossroads a few months after the Gay Narcissist set me aside. I consciously woke up to the fact that what I was doing to myself and to the men I was meeting was wrong, so I stopped. I deleted all apps and ended the search for romance.
It was one of the best decisions I ever made. By making that decision when I did, it was a huge step in the direction of true self-development, because it taught me to get along on my own without needing someone else at my side.
I date intermittently now. I’d like to more but it’s proven difficult for reasons unrelated to this topic. In the meantime, I do a lot completely alone. That ranges from shows to vacations.
It’s incredibly liberating.
Learning Self Reliance
This past spring I went to New Orleans.
It was a trip I always wanted to make, and I considered going with different people. I finally made the decision to do it completely alone. It was incredible. I met up with people I knew, but I was riding mostly solo. I wouldn’t have had it any other way for that experience. I woke up when I wanted, went where I wanted, talked to who I wanted, and called it a night when I wanted.
Learning to enjoy your own company and doing stuff alone is immensely freeing. I went on several vacations with the Gay Narcissist and they were, at a minimum, stressful. There was always an issue. Our accommodations weren’t good enough. I wasn’t excited enough by his standards. I didn’t do exactly what he wanted me to do when he wanted me to do it. Or I didn’t shut up and leave him alone when he needed it. He was never shy about bitching in my ear about his displeasure. That was my role, after all. I was his punching bag.
Learning to plan for yourself, guide yourself, and keep yourself company in life is, to me, one of the greatest feats your can accomplish when working on yourself after emerging from a dysfunctional relationship.
