I was discarded twice at the end of my narcissistic relationship.
The first discard utilized lies and half-truths. They appeared so genuine I fell for them with ease.
The second discard was when my former narcissistic boyfriend, referred to as the Gay Narcissist on this blog, was confronted with irrefutable proof that he didn’t end our relationship because he needed to find what would finally make him feel at peace in life.
He already found that in a new source of narcissistic supply, a person I call the New Supply. And by discarding me, he freed himself up to find love and happiness everlasting with the New Supply.
I used to believe that the discard was the grand finale of a narcissistic relationship’s lifecycle, and that there was a finality to everything when that happens. That’s untrue. You’re still in your narcissistic partner’s orbit, because such an individual hates loosing control of anything. But you’re no longer a primary focus—and that focus could either be idealization or devaluation.
And even after two discards, I allowed myself to remain in the orbit of the Gay Narcissist for months.
What can I say? I was naive to the ways of a healthy relationship. I mistook drama for excitement, and control for love. Demands made by the Gay Narcissist were faults and weaknesses of mine. Abuses he committed were consistent misunderstandings on my part, and my inability to see things from his perspective.
I rationalized everything away to keep the relationship going, even many, many weeks after two narcissistic discards.
It’s amazing what we will tell ourselves in an effort to not loose control of a relationship, even when it’s horrible.
An Obsession With Lying And Cheating
The day my six-year long gay narcissistic relationship, the Gay Narcissist had a fixation with lying and cheating.
Not his own proclivities for telling mistruths and stepping out on his given boyfriend emotionally and psychically. No, never.
Rather, he was forever the victim of liars and cheaters.
But surely, I would never, ever lie or cheat on him, now would I? The idea never crossed my mind. Why would it? The Gay Narcissist was my soulmate. I was sure of it. And the high his attention gave me would never—I was sure of it.
Still, his fixation on lying and cheating never abated, and he projected it often. He was forever on the hunt for signs of betrayal, even in the early weeks when the idealization and love bombing started to wane. I was an easy mark in those early days, and he did not need to spend much energy to win me over.
When he did not find any kind of betrayal, he’d create reasons to feel betrayed, lob accusations, and then expect me to plead with him for his forgiveness. I always did, even up until the very end.
My memory runs deep and strong, and I suspect for many people in narcissistic relationships, it is the same. Far too many targets of narcissistic abuse can remember the elation of the good times during the idealization and love-bombing phases of the relationship. Such targets also remember the abundance of bad, and do everything possible to twist it into their own fault through poisonous doses of rumination.
And so, when I discovered irrefutable proof that the Gay Narcissist was indeed the liar and the cheater so many years later, I felt my mind collapse in on itself.
What was the proof?
It was two photos on Facebook of the Gay Narcissist posing with the New Supply.
The smiles on both their faces glowed.
Newfound Freedom
One week elapsed between the first and second discard, and during that one week there was a clear division of emotional labor between me and the Gay Narcissist.
I was emotionally drained. I moved through the world like a somber and slobbering ghost. I was lost and bewildered, and the only thing I looked forward to was the end of each day so I could retreat to my bedroom and hide from the world.
The Gay Narcissist, however, had enough energy for the both of us. He didn’t slow down, but rather, sped up and moved through his days with enthusiasm and purpose. He was so energized, in fact, that I hardly recognized him. Our relationship really must have been a great weight upon his shoulders, because his newfound freedom did wonders for his behavior.
I was happy for him. I wanted the best for him, and why should we both be miserable?
Remember, at the time of the first discard, both the Gay Narcissist and LuAnn Van Houten were both unhappy and had been unhappy for a long time. That’s why the relationship needed to end, and that was that.
As the Gay Narcissist’s first weekend of newfound freedom approached, he prepared for a getaway at the Retreat. The Retreat was a place the Gay Narcissist and I would visit a few sporadic weekends during the summer. It’s described in more detail when I explored my experiences with gaslighting.
As the Gay Narcissist packed his car for his fun-filled weekend alone and with an empty passenger seat his side, he pulled out of the driveway and drove off down the street with an empty passenger seat at his side. He did not look back.
I know this because I watched him go from the kitchen window. And even though I was wrecked, I still breathed a sigh of relief. For years I sensed our breakup’s inevitability, and at least I knew what the end looked like.
Kind of, anyway.
“You Didn’t Stand A Chance”
I can’t stop thinking about him. I am absolutely crazy about him.
The emotional turbulence of that weekend is still clear in my memory. I spent it rationalizing and ruminating.
And when I discovered photographic evidence of the Gay Narcissist leaving me for the New Supply, I felt like I was stabbed in the stomach, Crystal Lake-style. my thoughts turned to fury and betrayal.
I was trapped in my own psychic prison. I attacked my phone with text messages and phone calls to anyone who would listen to me rant and rave about my discovery. So many put up with so much in those days.
Eventually the Gay Narcissist returned home from his weekend at the Retreat. When he was settled down and relaxed in the home we still shared, I once again exhumed the topic of our failed relationship.
“I know this is a conversation you do not want to have, but I am going to ask you one more time. Did you leave me for [the New Supply]”?
“No, we broke up for our own reasons,” he responded to me flatly. It wasn’t exactly a lie, but it was definitely an evasion of the truth.
“Because I know you were there with him this weekend.”
And then the mask fell. His relaxed composure turned stiff, and then his eyebrows furrowed and his lips contorted. He shook his head in disbelief and rage. He was caught and he was struggling to figure out how to talk his way out of it.
“Who told you?” he asked me.
“Why does it matter?”
“Because I want to know who I need to punch the fuck out of.”
“No one told me, you fool. I saw the pictures of you two, together, looking like the perfect couple, on Facebook.”
The Gay Narcissist fell silent.
“Did you really think I wouldn’t see them? Did you really think I would not find out?”
The Gay Narcissist’s rage quickly morphed into something else, though I’m still not quite sure what. At the time I thought it was sorrow. I was still trying to convince myself he cared about my feelings. I was foolishly working off of the assumption that my feelings were ever a consideration.
He covered his face and bowed his head. I could hear the sound of muffled sobbing. And then he spoke the words.
I can’t stop thinking about him. I am absolutely crazy about him.
There are certain instances in your life where time does now flow normally. This was one for me. His words echoed in my head and I went dizzy. After the fact, I told people it felt like I was cracked over the head with a shovel and I couldn’t see straight.
All of the time and effort I invested into this person and into the relationship we shared was poisoned—just like that.
When the Gay Narcissist lowered his hands, his face was dry. His manufactured sorrow ended instantly and he shifted into relief that he no longer needed to keep up the charade.
Because I am a glutton for punishment, I asked him for as many details as possible.
The Gay Narcissist shared everything with me, holding nothing back. I now suspect he did this to feed upon my many reactions and extract from it as much narcissistic supply as possible.
The Gay Narcissist and the New Supply made a pact of sorts. They plotted their respective discards together in secret and chose a night to execute their master plan.
The Gay Narcissist went first, and once I was officially discarded, he contacted the New Supply and he proceeded to discard his own partner. They even discussed who would react worse to being dumped—me, or the New Supply’s partner. The Gay Narcissist informed me I was the one they both decided would degenerate into an uncontrollable “basket case.” I am happy to say I did not.
I was also informed that the love the Gay Narcissist felt for the New Supply was strong and true, and was unlike any emotion he ever experienced.
And because of that, there was nothing I could do to win back the Gay Narcissist. In his own words, as soon as he met the New Supply, his mind was made up.
“You did not stand a chance.”
* * * * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
