After a few months of meeting the Gay Narcissist and declaring our undying love for one another, we decided to move in together.
Well, he decided we should move in together, and I obeyed him.
For context, he moved into a new apartment and was having a difficult time adjusting to his new set of circumstances. He was all alone and in an unfamiliar place. It was a situation he found unbearable, so I stepped up to sooth him. After all, it was the perfect opportunity for me to show him how much I loved and cared for him.
Still, I wasn’t so sure a total move-in was right.
Yes, I did love the Gay Narcissist. Yes, I wanted him to know how much I cared for him. But did I really have to give up my apartment—the nexus of my adulthood and independence? Why couldn’t we go a bit slower? It’s not like I was going to leave him, and I was already at his beck and call.
But the Gay Narcissist did not see it like this—not at all.
“Well,” the Gay Narcissist said to me when I expressed these concerns to him, “I guess you are not serious about this.” He told me there would be no hesitation about moving in if I was sure I wanted to be with him. And since I was reluctant, that meant I did not take the relationship as seriously as he did. After all, we were soul mates, weren’t we? We were meant to be together forever, right?
Reflecting on this event years later, it stands out as the first major red flag in my Gay Narcissistic Relationship that I consciously noticed and paid attention to.
Oh, sure, there was a treasure trove of red flags prior to this. We had several dates where the Gay Narcissist was sullen and fussy. And let’s not forget the countless controlling and demanding texts messages, along with numerous instances of awkward silence and uncomfortable stares.
But—silly me—I assumed all of these instances were my own fault. None of it would have occurred if I was a better person.
No, this was different. The discussion of moving in together was the first time I questioned the actions and behaviors of the Gay Narcissist—probably because the apartment I was living in and the life I built in the City was a hard-earned and well-loved aspect of my life. But he quickly waved all of that off so I could make a move for his sake.
It didn’t take me long to second-guess myself and conform to the wishes of the Gay Narcissist, though. I was quickly guilted and got back in line. And in less than three months I was out of my apartment and moved in with the Gay Narcissist to live happily ever after.
That was the hope, anyway.
The Blindness Of Naiveté
Red flags are invisible when you’re naive to the ways of toxic love and narcissistic relationships.
And I was as naive as they came.
My situation prior to the Gay Narcissistic Relationship was a bit strange in that I was always very independent and comfortable with solitude. In fact, I required it to function (and still do). Loneliness rarely afflicted me. But in the days before I met the Gay Narcissist, I pathologized this quality instead of honoring it as something I should further cultivate at all costs.
But I did not, because, back then, the ultimate goal in my life was finding a partner and cohabitating in a relationship with another man. That was it. There was nothing else more sacred or worthy of my time and attention. Everything else in the meantime—expanding my career, indulging my hobbies, exploring my passions, understanding the world around me, living my life—was just killing time until I met Mr. Right and was ready to settle down and…
What exactly?
I still don’t know. Like many of the millennials I know, we all grew up on a steady diet of Disney fairytales and Saved By The Bell reruns. I had unrealistic expectations of what relationships actually were. I believed one would “fix” me, even though nothing was terribly damaged. And the parts of me that definitely needed some fine tuning were mine to deal with alone.
The situation was further complicated by my homosexuality.
It should be said that the gay dating stereotypes are largely true. Oftentimes, gay men exchange sex as freely as handshakes. Sure, it was fun, but the more it happened the more I was left with a gnawing sense of needing something more.
Why?
Because I told myself it’s what I should do and want. And what I wanted was a relationship.
So, I set out looking for one as if I was apartment hunting. I treated the search for companionship as a materialistic transaction instead of a true human interaction and exchange. And it was this feverish naiveté that led me to the Gay Narcissist.
And, man, did I wind up with a lemon.
The Power Of The “Too” Factors
I don’t remember where, but I once read something by Dr. Ramani Durvasula where she said that you can never unring a bell. All you can do is learn your lessons and move on.
Identifying red flags is a huge lesson to learn.
An important word to apply to your feelings in times of confusion is the “Too” Factor.
Is the person you’re spending time with too intense? Is he too involved? Is he too bombastic? Is he too romantic? Is he too attentive? Is he too interested? Is he too passionate? Is he moving too fast?
Alternatively, are you too wrapped up in him? Do you think about him too much? Do you wonder what he’s doing too often? Are you a little too uneasy when you do (or do not) hear from him. Do you question yourself too much when communicating with him? Are you too interested in him without focusing enough on your own life?
When all of these “Too” Factors build up into a great big pile of jittery feelings and queasy unease, that’s your intuition telling you that something is wrong. Something does not check out, no matter how hard your firecracker emotions try to convince you otherwise.
As much as I hate to say it, all the “Too” Factors are an act on the part of a narcissist. They’re meant to draw you in and get you addicted to the powerful emotions a narcissist is offering up during love bombing.
And once you’re hooked on all of these “Too” Factors, the narcissist in your life is your new dealer and pimp.
Onward To The “Rat’s Ass” Factor
Guess what?
Once you’re hooked on the seductive and intense attention a narcissist offers during love bonding, your value is already on the decline and your shelf life is close to reaching its end. The hot-and-cold cycles have arrived. Devaluation has begun.
The narcissist targeting you no longer gives a rat’s ass about you one way or the other, since you’ve been ensnared. You’re a fish already wriggling on the hook.
Hence, I call this the “Rat’s Ass” Factor.
You can avoid the “Rat’s Ass Factor” by seeing and heeding the red flags early. When you meet someone new and you get the sense that there’s just “too” much going on “too” fast, you know that there are some major “Too” Factors at work.
This is your cue to step away from your date, say you need to visit the restroom, and then run for the exit without looking back.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
