A few months ago, one particular gentleman commented on one of my posts with:
This old gay retired Unitarian Universalist minister with strong codependent tendencies has just discovered you. You’re delightful and your writing is great. Hope you’re thriving. Really appreciate your work. Thank you!
First of all, if you are reading this, thank you. Sincerely, thank you. Comments like that fuel my drive to keep writing and creating content.
Secondly, one particular detail stood out to me: “strong codependent tendencies.”
Ah, codependency. That other word that inevitably drops whenever talking about narcissism.
Codependency is the inverse of narcissism in a dysfunctional relationship. It’s the other side of the coin. The yin to the yang.
I never knew what codependency was until I read The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent-Narcissist Trap by Ross Rosenberg. It’s a book I reference a lot in my writings on narcissism and toxic relationships, and you should definitely buy and read it (using this link, please).
When I read all Rosenberg had to say about how codependent behavior appears in a narcissistic relationship, I thought one thing to myself:
Uh-oh.
Bullies And Doormats
Codependency is an idea out of the 1970s.
At the time it specifically described family dynamics dealing with addiction and alcoholism and how everyone reacted in those situations. The magic word describing these dynamics is “enabling.”
The addict(s) would act up and out, and then the non-addicts would try to salve and smooth over the bad behavior with enabling behavior. This was done in an effort to maintain, protect, and support the addict. But, typically, all it ever does is encourage the bad behavior to continue.
Time progressed and a greater light started shining on codependent behavior; it’s punctuated by low self esteem, people pleasing, emotional reliance, and constant caregiving and self-sacrifice. You could say a person showing patterns of codependent behavior acts like a doormat. It’s an unkind word, but speaking as someone grappling with his own relentless instinct to bow before the desires of all others at all times, doormat fits.
My own blunt definition is this:
Codependency is a relationship of enablement between a selfish bully and a self-sacrificing doormat.
And so, here we are, finding the perfect puzzle piece describing the caregiving partner in a narcissistic relationship.
A Dizzying Dance
Since I already mentioned The Human Magnet Syndrome and Ross Rosenberg’s use of the term in his book, it’s worth looking at what he means by it.
“Giving” and “sacrificing” are two keywords Rosenberg uses often when discussing the thought processes and behavioral patterns of codependent individuals. We (I include myself in this) do so because of our own low self esteem and bargain-bin sense of self worth. We view ourselves as not enough, and so we are attracted toward a narcissist like a moth to a flame.
Dashing, charming, seductive, exciting, bombastic, alluring—these are all words that describe how people with codependent tendencies view narcissists. We want to take on all of those characteristics through the narcissist by entering into a relationship with him or her.
But then we are caught in the pattern—a pattern that Rosenberg describes as an unending and dizzying dance. A narcissist eventually shows his or her true intentions, and that’s when the codependent gets started enacting all of the trademark caregiving behavior.
Ross Rosenberg writes:
Codependents are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the possibility of ever receiving the same from their partner.
They pretend to enjoy the dance, but secretly harbor feelings of anger, bitterness, and sadness for not taking the more active role in their dance experience.
They are convinced they will never find a dance partner who will love them for who they are, as opposed to what they can do for them.
Their low self-esteem and pessimism manifest as a form of learned helplessness that ultimately keeps them on the dance floor with their narcissistic partner.
I added the emphasis above—for an important reason.
The Dark Side Of Codependence
Rosenberg touched upon the not-so-fuzzy emotions codependent individuals usually feel: anger, bitterness, sadness, pessimism, and helplessness.
Speaking from my own experience, I certainly did what I could to hold together the Gay Narcissistic Relationship from my past. However, all of that work to prop up the relationship resulted in a lot of bitterness and ill will toward my ex-boyfriend, the Gay Narcissist. Yes, he absolutely used and abused me in that relationship.
But I acted badly, too. And instead of disengaging when I should have, I willingly placed myself on the sacrificial altar to try and make everything “work.” Codependents love trying to “fix” everything wrong with their toxic partners to win them over. I was forever the fixer with the Gay Narcissist. It never worked, though. Even worse, it fed the unending pessimistic loop I felt trapped in.
And yes, this absolutely created a sense of helplessness in me. It was a cycle I just couldn’t break. I was putting untold energy into the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, but I never turned any of that energy around onto myself to try and improve my own life.
The Gay Narcissistic Relationship was a steep learning curve for me.
The Gay Narcissist was my first (and only) long-term boyfriend, and the Gay Narcissistic Relationship was the first time I ever really committed to someone and played house for several years. I didn’t know any better. My deep shame and doe-eyed naiveté was a toxic combination.
People with codependent behaviors do mean well going into relationships.
But our anxiousness quickly turns into frustration and our helpfulness all too often degrades into resentment—fast.
But as Rosenberg points out many times in The Human Magnet Syndrome, there’s a lot of hope for codependent individuals. Unlike narcissists, we are very aware of our behavior and we are unhappy with it. It’s hard to make changes, but it is possible to move toward better relationships.
And it can start with learning and firmly saying one magic word:
No.
