Time and again the Gay Narcissist would lecture and scold me for questioning his actions.
The situation was always the same.
Trouble was afoot in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship; I did not like what was going on and found it upsetting. As is my way, I’d first ignore it at first. Then, when it was no longer possible to look away, I’d try to tolerate it. That, too, eventually failed and I’d confront the Gay Narcissist. Our dysfunctional and toxic open relationship was usually the problem that prompted this.
I’d bring the matter up in the evening, when we were sitting next to each other watching television.
We need to talk about something, I’d say to him.
He’d sigh and and roll his eyes. He’d adjust his body, like he was preparing himself to physically take a punch. I’d lobby my complaint as delicately as possible, and then sit back and hold my breath, because it never went well whenever I did.
There is a face the Gay Narcissist made whenever I confronted him that I can still visualize. It was something like a sneer mixed with surprise and disgust.
That’s just like you, he’d say. You’re always keeping track of every single little thing I do wrong. You always remember everything to use it against me.
No, no, no! That’s not what I’m doing, I’d say in protest.
But it was too late. I had already lost. The genuine concern I had about the instability of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship was smothered. I was now defending myself against the accusations of vindictiveness made by the Gay Narcissist.
Keeping Score
I’d sit there and listen to the Gay Narcissist lecture me about how I had no right to catalogue all of his wrongs, only to then bring them up against him in the future.
I believed him, too.
I believed him because I had no model of comparison. The Gay Narcissist was the first (and only) longterm partner I ever had, so when he told me I was behaving badly and I shouldn’t treat a partner the way I was, I usually believed him. He, after all, had a much larger history of boyfriends and partners than I did, so I assumed he knew best and I should learn from him.
But despite my naiveté, still, it all felt wrong.
How could anyone bring up anything upsetting or disturbing in a relationship if he or she was not allowed to reflect upon past experiences?
It’s silly to say a person cannot, and I’ve heard many stories over the year mirroring my own on this topic. Narcissistic and toxic partners accusing their targets of holding grudges and keeping score to “get” them somehow.
This only works one way, though. A narcissist, disturbed character, sociopath, toxic person, whatever—he or she has no qualms about dredging up the past and using it as ammunition in a fight against a target.
When a person is experiencing this, it all feels so wrong.
But we don’t trust those feelings.
We reject our intuition and we don’t trust our powers of discernment. Oftentimes, though, such skills are our greatest tools in navigating ourselves out of these relationships—and avoiding them all together in the future.
“Slow Down And Pay Attention”
One of the biggest learning curves I’ve faced in my life after the Final Narcissistic Discard and the end of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship was learning to trust my intuition and discernment.
I fully admit I have questionable taste in men and how I behave around them.
I give away too much too early, and I trust far easier than I should. I don’t allow myself to move slowly because I’m afraid I’ll let “a good one” get away if I don’t move my ass. Or I get swept up in the intensity of someone who likes me way too much way too fast.
In Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s new book, It’s Not You: Identifying And Healing From Narcissistic People, she writes about the importance of a person’s power of discernment. As Dr. Ramani writes, discernment is a person’s ability to assess a person, and this extends to meeting new people as well as figuring out how to deal with people we already have around.
Discernment only matters if you trust you instincts and follow your feelings.
If someone feels like bad news and is giving you enough of a visceral reaction that you feel uneasy—you should trust that feeling above all else.
As Dr. Ramani writes:
Checking in with yourself is a great discernment exercise. Pay attention to how you feel after you spend time with narcissistic people in your life—emotionally, mentally, physically, even energetically…
After time with narcissistic people, how do you feel? My guess is fatigued, frustrated, disgusted, and angry…
You know what health feels like. You just need to slow down and pay attention.
That’s the key.
You need to give yourself time to assess your feelings on how a person his presenting himself or herself in your life.
“Gift Of Fear”
Disregarding your intuition can be downright dangerous, too, as Dr. George Simon warns us.
Simon is the author of two incredible books:
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People
Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon Of Our Age
I strongly recommend these books to anyone who has experience with toxic people and narcissists, because they’re some of the best books I’ve read on the topic. (Please use the links above if you do decide to buy—it helps support this website and my writing.)
Specifically in Character Disturbance, Simon explores all kinds of “disturbed characters” as he calls them; narcissists are one kind of disturbed character. He takes his time breaking down a variety of character disturbances that describe how bad actors operate.
Manipulation and control are high on the list for nearly all disturbed characters.
And guess what?
Targets of these narcissistic individuals—these disturbed characters—usually know when something is not right and something is very off. But despite that feeling and that inner knowledge, we ignore it at our own detriment.
As Dr George Simon writes in Character Disturbance:
Some people report that just being in the presence of this kind of personality makes the hair on the back of their necks stand up. A few researchers regard this intuitive sense of danger as a “gift” from our ancestors, letting us know we’re in the presence of a predator…
As a result of my work over the years with both predatory aggressive (characters) and their victims, I have concluded the main reason these predators are so successful in manipulating others:
It lies not so much in their highly effective knowledge and use of manipulation tactics; but rather in the reluctance of normal “neurotic” individuals to make harsh judgements about others, or to trust their gut instincts about the kind of person they’re probably dealing with. They don’t attach enough significance to the “gift of fear,” and mistrust their instincts.
We don’t want to judge too harshly. We don’t want to jump to assumptions. We don’t want to make the wrong call. We don’t want miss out on our “soulmate.” We want to be gracious. We think that a second (and third and fourth) chance is a good idea.
But this is very often to our detriment, and disturbed characters prey upon this.
Trusting your discernment and intuition is how you stop being the prey.
