As I wrote about Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage this week and last, I noticed an obvious pattern.
I was fixating on the darker aspects of the book and not so much the hopeful parts.
I think it’s obvious why. For some time now this website has been a public journal where I’m presenting my own personal experience of a narcissistic relationship with another man. And as I share these personal aspects of my life, I make sense of them through my own self-education on the topic of narcissism in the hope that it will help people who are currently in the position I was in a few years ago.
I’ve used words like “dysfunctional” and “toxic” quite a bit in the writing of these points. They’re apt, as many of the behavioral patterns Downs discusses are less than desirable for living any kind of an authentic life.
But still, who am I to judge? Perhaps no one, but I’ve experienced what I experienced and I’ve witnessed what I’ve witnessed, and The Velvet Rage validated all of this far more than I ever expected it to.
And so, let’s press on with the final three points I’ve taken away from Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage…
Point 03: Gay Men Are No Strangers To Betrayal
A hallmark experience in any narcissistic relationship, gay or straight, is betrayal. And betrayal can manifest in any number of ways—secrets are divulged, finances are abused, and untruths are told.
But probably the most common form of betrayal anyone involved with a narcissist feels is infidelity.
Of course, this does not have to be out-and-out cheating, though it usually is. Never forget that narcissists are masters of triangulation in their pursuit for fresh narcissistic supply. They will make the most of a situation by capitalizing on your upset and discomfort of their betrayal by triangulating you against those they are extracting attention from.
As Alan Downs points out several times in The Velvet Rage, when two gay men are in a relationship with one another, it will only work out if they both wrangled with and tamed their own demons. If neither participant has confronted his own toxic shame and core insecurity, then dysfunction will course through the relationship and poison it.
This certainly sounds a lot like the premise in Ross Rosenberg’s The Human Magnet Syndrome, since a narcissist and a codependent (gay or straight) are both magnetically drawn to each other for having the characteristics and personality traits that the other is lacking. And when a narcissist and a codependent unite, Rosenberg calls it “the dance.”
But the dance eventually becomes a dizzying frenzy ready to crash. Predictably, cheating is a common way for this to happen.
As Downs says:
One gay therapist I know says, ‘Second only to HIV, betrayal is the most devastating gay epidemic.’
I remember years ago listening to Howard Stern when he made mention that there’s nothing sadder than a lonely old queen, and that always sat with me. I am sure it sits with many gay men, and it’s why so many of us rush into and cling to toxic relationships—this guy included.
Gay men all too often are not nice to each other at all, in and out of relationships. And it is that nastiness that creates the eternal recurrence haunting the community.
Betrayal is one key symptom.
Point 02: Process Addictions Can Rule A Life
When a person regulates his or her mood through a behavior, that’s a process addiction.
A gay man who pathologically cruises for sex is engaging in a process addiction because it’s no longer about hooking up. He’s looking for a sexual encounter to give his mood a bump.
Over the years I’ve had countless (and I mean countless) talks with gay friends who all complain about how tired and vapid the gay social apps are. It’s true—they’re most used to cruise for sex. But many of these very same guys appear to be slaves to their phone notifications, all on the off-chance that Mr. Right will prove them wrong and send a message.
After my own breakup from the Gay Narcissist, I was glued to Scruff, and I messaged as many men as possible the world over. I was desperate for any kind of dopamine hit someone—anyone— was willing to give me. Yes, I did feel momentary relief after someone approved of me through an iPhone screen by browsing a very (and I mean very) carefully curated set of photos. But it did not take long after all until I felt worse than before, because nothing changed.
And I was fully aware of that.
I was trapped in a process addiction, and it needed to end if I was going to finally move on with my life. Sure, I desperately wanted a rebound to prove the Gay Narcissist wrong in my desirability. But I knew it was ultimately pointless and I’ve be worse for it.
So, I deleted the app.
It was one of the smartest decisions I made early on in getting over my gay toxic relationship. It certainly was not easy, and I quickly realized just how dependent I was on all of the small digital micro-transactions I engaged in on a daily basis.
But once I got clean from the process addiction, I was finally able to figure my shit out and get it together.
Point 01: Cultivating Authenticity Requires Some Quiet Time
Since I focused so much on the dark side of gay men and their relationships, it’s important to highlight the single most important point I took away from Alan Downs and The Velvet Rage, which is a hopeful one.
If you’re going to a whole and complete person you need to cultivate authenticity. And if you’re going to successfully accomplish this, you need to go into the proverbial wilderness a bit.
This is something all of the mental health professionals in the public space agree on. You need to work on yourself if you’re going to be a decent person. You need to learn to be alone. You need to learn to be cool with your own company. You need to cultivate interests, hobbies, and passions that uniquely speak to you as an individual.
In The Velvet Rage, Downs notes the successes of his clients who worked at their authenticity as individual human beings. One person opens a small diner in Florida that he operates independently. He’s not lighting the world on fire, and that’s fine. He’s happy and successful in his corner of the world. Another became a painter and earns enough to support himself and maintain a humble life. And he’s all the happier for it.
That’s concept of “enough” is interesting, isn’t it? It’s a safe assumption that Narcissism and “enough” do not mix. And if you’re going to cultivate any kind of authenticity, you need to make your own peace with what “enough” really is in your own life.
Never fear throwing away the opinions of others and correcting your need for external validation. If you’re doing something that you’re passionate about and you find purpose in, then you’re cultivating an authentic life.
Everything else will follow.
Read the Part 01 of this blog post here.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
2 Comments
This is sound perspective, for everybody. It may not work for every narcissist as well, but I did personally find that, in getting a handle on my own NPD, it was extremely necessary to detach and go it alone as well. The thing is, when you’re away from any and all forms of external validation, you have only yourself to examine and turn to/on. Not to say that this comment is a message of “even nars can recover,” because it is isnt that, exactly. That’s way too individual of a thing, and if the twisted root is grown in too deep, I’m not sure anything can remove it from a person. But, to an extent, this kind of solitary processing can definitely work for narcissists as well, and even lead to a kind of “clean living,” where there are outlets and alternatives which allow a narcissist to safely vent abusive urges without needing to engage in abusive behavior. I dunno where I’m going with all this exactly, I just know that I spent a lot of time in the darkness of believing I was incurably foul or evil, and I guess I want other NPD people who truly want to “go clean” to know that it very well may be possible for them, if they’re willing to do the nasty work of…man, how do I put this. Confronting and coming to terms with their mortality and fragility in the face of how vast and unpredictable the world is. Because I think that’s what it really was for me, the root of the problem. There’s an injustice to being a thinking, living being that must die eventually, and for a narcissist in particular i think a lot of energy goes into seeking expressions of power as a means by which to avoid confronting the inevitable truth of human fragility. This ended up longer than I wanted, lol
I have done the same thing, Theo.
My concept of this whole narcissism thing has become far more nuanced the older I get, and I see some of these behaviors and patterns in my own personality.
I guess the difference is the more pathological a person is, the more he cannot (or refuses to) see what’s really up.
But I have been single for over three years now, and I have no desire to be in a committed relationship. Part of it is I just enjoy being single, and am an introvert and solitary person by nature.
But I’d also say I know my own shortcomings and I know how hard it would be for me to adapt to another person, or maybe I’d fall into too much agreeableness again.