I’ve often wondered if gay men have a greater propensity for narcissism than other groups of people.
Who knows, maybe I’m jaded. I’ve worked around gay men for a long time. I’ve socialized with many gay men since coming out years ago. I’ve spent way too much time on gay-oriented “dating” and “social” apps staring at curated photos and reading posturing profiles. And, of course, I was in my own gay narcissistic relationship for years that ended with an unceremonious discard and replacement.
But I’ve always trusted my keen sense of observation and intuition, and there has always something odious that’s bothered me about the gay community’s propensity for toxic, narcissistic behavior.
“We’re a damaged tribe,” a friend of mine said after my breakup. We would meet for happy hour about once a month in a West Village gay bar, and he’d graciously listen to all of my bile about my ex, who I refer to as the Gay Narcissist.
He’s right. We are a damaged tribe—but how damaged? And what does that damage exactly turn into? When does the damage turn toxic and abusive?
I originally read Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development by Dr. Richard Isay a couple of years ago to learn more about this. Alan Downs and The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World was also recommended to me, but I saved it for another day.
What prompted me to finally pick up The Velvet Rage was this—my own personal writings on narcissism and toxic relationships from a gay perspective on this blog. I’ve often said that this blog is purely informative based on my own experiences and the education that grew from them.
But it is not prescriptive. I am not officially diagnosing anyone or anything, and when I refer to people as narcissistic, I am using it as a descriptive term referring to a collection of behaviors. I would never presume to label someone officially with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
And so, as I’m always expanding my own understanding of these psychological topics, I finally read The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs and took away these lessons.
Lesson 06: “Toxic Shame” Is How Alan Downs Describes The Root Cause Of Dysfunction In Gay Men’s Lives
Alan Downs lays out three stages of developing, experiencing, and managing what he calls “toxic shame” in a gay man’s life:
Stage 01: Overwhelmed By Shame
Stage 02: Overcoming Shame
Stage 03: Cultivating Authenticity
Downs postulates that the toxic shame gay men face in today’s world is due to the inherent knowing of being different.
A gay kid isn’t quite sure what’s going on, except for one obvious truth. He’s not exactly like everyone else. Assuming I am reading them correctly, both Alan Downs and Richard Isay, author of Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development, say that during this stage of early development, the father pulls away from the gay son because he too senses the budding homosexuality and doesn’t quite know how to deal with it. Thus, the mother steps in to compensate for the lack of attention from the father. (Though, I’d argue that Isay says this is all perceived and it’s not a true rejection on the father’s part.)
The gay youth will usually (but not always) begin acting in ways to compensate for that shift in attention and validation from his parents.
With all the talk about toxic shame, I thought more and more about core insecurity, which made more sense to me personally than a sole focus on shame.
I remember listening to the now-defunct Sexual Disorientation podcast featuring Dr. Ramani Durvasula, and narcissism was a ubiquitous topic on the show. In one particular episode, Dr. Ramani said that narcissism is nothing more than a fancy clinical term for “pathological insecurity.”
Downs may say “toxic shame,” but from the armchair I am sitting in, “pathological insecurity” is a worthy contender for describing the darkness that drives the dysfunctional lives of many gay men.
To sooth that shame and insecurity, gay men act in predictable ways—grandiose, arrogant, and attention-seeking ways. When a person’s life is consumed with stabilizing an insecure inner world with exterior shows of importance and demands of validation, isn’t that narcissism?
Point 05: Gay Men Need A Steady Supply Of Admiration, Validation, And Attention
Rare are the gay men who live quiet and subtle lives either alone or with partners. When the party is over, death might as well follow.
The notches on the bedpost are never voluminous enough. The muscles are never big enough. The salary is never fat enough. The home is never elaborate enough. The parties are never grand enough. Everything is an external show of worth, a desperate plea announcing—“I am good enough”—to an indifferent world.
Alan Downs attributes this constant need for validation to “Stage 02: Overcoming Shame.”
According to Downs in The Velvet Rage:
What’s different about our craving for validation in stage two is that in stage one, validation is all about trying to hide our sexuality. In stage two, it is about trying to still the small but persistent voice of shame within us. We need validation to assure us that as gay men, we are worthwhile and ultimately deserving of love. The acquisition of validation is so rewarding that we become validation junkies. The more we get, the more we crave it, the better we feel, and the harder it becomes for us to tolerate invalidation.
Over the years, I’ve been in the company of many gay couples, and there’s usually an air of vapidness. What’s worse is the sense of competition. Too often I’ve seen gay men comparing likes, winks, woofs, DMs, you name it, with their partners. It’s always smacked as an obvious and shallow ploy for attention by causing distress through cheap bargain-basement triangulation.
This is an excellent example of when the need for validation gets dark and manipulative. This is when it morphs into narcissistic supply.
Don’t forget that one of the main criteria for diagnosing narcissism as a personality disorder involves the constant need for admiration, as listed in the DSM-V:
Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking
Sound familiar?
Point 04: Gay Men Are Addicted To Limerence And Masters Of Love Bombing
I didn’t even know what limerence was until a gay friend mentioned it to me. He was referring to another gay man who had a strong propensity for finding guys and developing rapid and intense infatuations with them.
Consistent readers of this blog will know that my ex, the Gay Narcissist, also lived his life (and I assume still does) in cycles of running his partners through the gauntlet of idealization, devaluation, and discard.
I was love-bombed, and years later I watched the Gay Narcissist plot my discard as he developed limerence for and love-bombed my replacement, the one I call the New Supply.
On this, Alan Downs says in The Velvet Rage:
“In this first stage of being a gay man, we are not equipped to have a healthy intimate relationship. Our own internal conflicts prevent us from gaining the emotional clarity needed to maintain a safe and satisfying bond. The situation compounds itself when two men, both overwhelmed with shame, come together in an intense and explosive expression of passion. What produces arguably the most erotic experience of a gay man’s life also takes him to the lowest place he is likely to know.”
It’s a powerfully concise passage. It summed up the totality of my entire gay narcissistic relationship. I’d like to say that if I read this earlier it would have helped me avoid a whole lot of trouble down the road. It’s not true, though. Some lessons need to be learned through experience.
But in a narcissistic relationship, if one (or both) partners require a constant and steady supply of validation, attention, and admiration, things are going to get boring fast. Romantic passion always cool off. If the relationship is healthy, it matures into stability and companionship. But stability and companionship to a narcissist, gay or straight, is experienced as “boring” and “controlling.”
Through observation and experience, it’s not uncommon for gay men to explore opening up their relationships to help supply passion while also expecting (and feeling completely entitled to) the companionship of a longterm partner. But as mentioned, gay men have a propensity for limerence and infatuation.
I’ve seen many open relationships turn passive aggressive and hostile due to this and rot from the inside out.
I lived it myself.
* * * * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
8 Comments
Steven- This is very insightful, thank you. I’m a straight woman who seems to be stuck in this devalue and hoover cycle from my gay male friend, who I realized too little too late is a narcissist. It was a heartbreaking shock when the love bombing came to an abrupt halt. I wasn’t expecting this from a platonic friendship.
While I would love to help him, I know it’s unlikely so I’m currently trying to educate myself and understand his motivations and need for validation in order to process my own pain. Friends can break your heart too. I’m trying to piece together what brought him to this point and my role in getting caught up in his game. Thanks for your insights on my healing journey.
P.S. He and I bonded over being “single together” and “not being the marrying kind.” The irony is that neither of us can make it work in relationships because we’ve both been caught up in opposites sides of the narcissist / empath trauma bond pattern in our romantic relationships.
Thank you for sharing your insights, Allison.
You are certainly right that narcissistic behavior can and does pop up in friendships, a lot. When I first moved to the mentioned “City” in my writings, I made a gay friend through my work. He had all the tell-tale signs of someone deeply entitled, self-centered, and completely callous to the feelings of others.
He was a dry run for the “Gay Narcissist” because I completely devoted myself to his needs while ignoring how worthless and little whenever I was around him. Funny enough, when I met the Gay Narcissist, he and I had a falling out because he didn’t like my attention shifting from one narcissist to another.
Great observation on your part, Allison!
As a gay man who’s recently been discarded by his ex, whom I’m now sure manifests many narcissistic traits, I’d like to think you for your observations and the telling of your Story.
It’s brought me comfort to know that what im going through is experienced by others.
I’ve also purchased and read the book, The Velvet Rage which resonates deeply. I’ve even purchased the book and sent it to my ex.
I dont know know if my ex’s narcissism was as result of his childhood or him being gay or both? But it’s a terrible disorder and even though he’s put me through hell, I can’t help but feel he’s doomed to lead a lonely and unfulfilling life.
I’m only 5 weeks single and it’s extremely difficult to grasp what’s happened. However, it’s a relief to read articles such as yours, as being a gay man I’ve really been able to identify with them.
I’ve come to understand that I’m likely an empath and unbeknownst to me I’ve had multiple narcissistic relationships, but the last one was by far the worst!
And now hitting rock bottom I’ve learned I’m repeating patterns of behaviour. And it’s time to change!
Difficult times ahead, made easier knowing I’m not alone in the struggle.
Thank you again for sharing your story!
Hi Anthony, and thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
Yes, your times ahead will be rough. But I can save with total confidence that it will be worth it. You will learn how to cultivate a life best for you, and the rest will fall into place.
Reading comments like this reminds me of why I write on this topic, especially from the perspective of gay relationships since the resources are so few. Much of the content out there is applicable to gay men, of course, but we still have some unique qualities to our own relationships that need special discourse.
I am a straight woman, who was deceived into marriage by a gay man. The marriage lasted 12 years with SO many issues, as one can imagine. 2 children were born to that “marriage”. My question is- I left this person and remarried, and 20 years later I am still getting word from various people that this gay ex husband is still bad mouthing me to the point of slander. He has destroyed so many relationships of mine with his lies trying to hide his identity as a gay. How do I approach him to stop this mess?
Hi Laura, and thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this post.
I wish I had some magic words to pass on to you to help you out of this, but sometimes when we have someone in our life who is so entitled and victimized, what do you really do? Hell, despite writing everything here that I do, I personally still struggle with people who come off as needy or victimized. And that means I sometimes want to put my hand back in, hoping I won’t get burned.
But you’re on the other end of it, aren’t you? You’re having gossip and rumors spread about you, and you want it to end.
I’ll tell you what I tell everyone when something like this comes up, even though it’s unpopular and unfulfilling:
You DON’T reach out. This is all for attention. Someone who is still so slighted and bent out of shape two decades later will not stop because there’s no motive for him too. It sucks, but I’d guess just from experience and reading your telling that this guy enjoys this. It gives him attention and something to complain about.
If this is costing you material opportunities, like jobs or something like that, then you’d have legal action to look into, if you had the fight in you.
Hi Steven,
Your article provided helpful insight. My 27yo brother recently came out as gay and my family jumped in without hesitation to support him. For about two weeks he was happier, slightly more inflated ego consumed with his gym looks, workouts schedule, and bragging about all the attention he was getting from men. My family has ignored it. About a week ago his whole demeanor changed- being arrogant, openly flirty in front of us with his “friends”, and very passive aggressive behavior. He’s been very open with his feelings and we keep supporting him and have met with all his new gay friends. We recently asked if there was something more going on with the one guy (he claimed it was his mentor that helped him come out and my brother was SO excited for us to meet him). This mentor guy is married to his partner for 15 yrs. Well, turns out he went on a three day getaway out of nowhere and admitted he’s with this guy in an open relationship. My family is having a difficult time catching up with this news as he only came out 30 days ago. This mentor guy is very controlling and he told my brother he needs more boundaries with his family and my brother tells this guy everything. It’s so upsetting to see all the narcissistic tendencies coming out – he’s giving us the silent treatment, changed his smile, said it’s our problem that we are upset, told us not to ask about his life anymore, told us all we don’t know him, and said we should be worried about losing him if we don’t jump in with support for his new relationship. My mom is just broken and devastated and I feel like I’ve lost my brother as I don’t recognize him with this new ego and behavior. My dad was a narcissist (I also believe he is gay but still in the closet). It’s triggering those wounds all over again. I’m just at a lost with how to have healthy boundaries and not be a doormat but I also don’t know how to live with him if I have to do all the work to make the relationship even exist. Any thoughts or books that can help me understand? After all the support we’ve given him it feels like a slap in the face. Thanks
Thank you for taking the time to share your story with me, Kellie.
I first want to say that I’m not a clinical professional AT ALL, and I just write about this topic from personal experience and then backing it up with all of the self-education I’ve undergone over the years.
That said, I do think you and your mother might benefit from reading THE VELVET RAGE to understand what your brother’s thought process is. Everything you’ve described here sounds like a checklist of my entire life experience, so I “get it” and it makes clear sense to me. But for you, you’re surely feeling dazed and lost and helpless.
I’d also recommend reading some literature on narcissism, too. Remember, remember: narcissism is not a diagnosis. It’s a personality style. There IS a personality disorder associated with it, but it requires the person to enter into therapy due to feeling distress or having a rocky life due to his or her behavior. The personality and all of his behavioral patterns still REMAIN, irregardless of a “diagnosis.”
DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM by Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a great place to start, and so is SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO, but that is more written for romantic relationships.
If you think your brother is behaving narcissistically, you’re only recognizing a pattern of behavior.
If I had to guess? He’s had these simmering feelings for awhile, but really struggled with coming out with them, and then coming out of the closet. He now has, and he’s exploding with external validation. Looking good at the gym, grabbing the attention of this older guy in the open relationship, proudly taking on a new gay identity, all of it.
Since I don’t know him and I don’t know what he was life before, it’s hard to know if/when it will settle down. Usually with gay men, one of two things happen romantically. Many of our relationships are painfully unstable and they crash and burn. We then either hop into another one to “fix it” and bury hurt feelings. Or we wake up and see the problem. I personally woke up. Many gay men I know just relationship hop to mask the pain. I’ve heard this story before, though, of the whole open relationship. Hell, I was in a disasterous one, which you can read about here to see how unstable they can be.
Your brother is potentially in for a world of heartbreak, I don’t know. I almost hope this guy breaks his heart rather than blowing up his own life to take on your brother as a new boyfriend. He doesn’t sound like he’s ready for anything like that, and it could turn into a controlled relationship.
But, what can you do? I won’t say stuff like “maintain your boundaries” and “practice mindfulness” or any of that almost dismissive stuff.
First, I’ll say this — get educated. If you feel distressed enough to each out to me, a stranger on the internet, then you’re feeling distressed. Read, read, read those books and more. At the end of my posts are resources to get started with. Read through more of my own writings/posts. You’ll find plenty of anecdotes about the gay lifestyle and how narcissism appears in it all to regularly.
Here are some links for books, and they help support me a tiny bit, too:
THE VELVET RAGE: https://amzn.to/481o1N7
DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM: https://amzn.to/49kHHMV
One of my own writings on open relationships among gay men: https://www.stevensurman.com/narcissism-and-open-relationships-i-will-always-come-home-to-you/
Lastly, you can’t control your brother. He’s an adult and he’s going to make his own decisions. That’s so hard to admit, but it’s true. I’ve spent my own life trying to control people I desperately wanted to rescue, and it always blew up in my face.