The demand for information on narcissism is exploding, as demonstrated by a November 17 email I received from MedCircle.
The subject line read—“Why This Series On Narcissism Was Watched 7 Million Times.” The series in question, “Narcissism: The Second-Hand Smoke Of Mental Health,” is a six-part analysis of narcissism as a psychological pattern of behavior and how those exposed to narcissism are affected emotionally and physically. Dr. Ramani Durvasula is the expert on narcissism who lends her knowledge and insight to the series.
Two earlier MedCircle videos on narcissism (originally released on YouTube), which are no more than a few short years old, have over five million views between then (“These Are The Signs You’re Dating A Narcissist” at 2.7 million views, and “The Four Types of Narcissism You Need To Know” at 2.3 million views).
So, what gives? What’s going on?
I previously wrote about Dr. Ramani’s new book release, Don’t You Know Who I Am?, where I explored her comprehensive examination of narcissism and toxic behavior in all relationships—work, love, friends, parents, siblings, society at large—and how this epidemic of incivility is poisoning our minds. Admittedly, the portion of Don’t You Know Who I Am? tackling narcissism in romantic relationships was my favorite. Love bombing, gaslighting, manipulation—it’s all talked about.
The section on narcissism in romantic relationships is a condensed version of Dr. Ramani’s first book, Should I Stay Or Should I Go? How To Survive A Relationship With A Narcissist, my favorite of the 11 general-audience psychology books I read since October 2018. Just like with Don’t You Know Who I Am?, Should I Stay Or Should I Go? is a crash-course guide covering all things narcissism and toxic relationships, but with laser-focused attention on romantic relationships with narcissists. If you’ve ever been in a relationship defined by antagonism, aggression, dismissiveness, manipulation, impulsivity, insensitivity, triangulation, arrogance, and all the ugly rest of it, this book was written for you.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s Should I Stay Or Should I Go? How To Survive A Relationship With A Narcissist is an absolute must-read for anyone who is suspicious he or she is in a toxic relationship with a narcissist.
Of all the information packed into this book, here are the first three of six lessons in the book I found most valuable:
06.) Unsure if you are in a relationship with a narcissist? Dr. Ramani provides a checklist of 30 narcissism characteristics to look out for.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5) provides key traits for a person to be diagnosed with “narcissistic personality disorder”—a lack of empathy, grandiosity, entitlement, validation and attention seeking, interpersonal exploitation, envy, arrogance, a lack of insight, superficiality, and fantasies of success, beauty, and/or ideal love.
But in Dr. Ramani’s assessment, she expands these key attributes of narcissism into a list of 30 characteristics based upon her own academic research and clinical observations. Some of her narcissism identifiers are rage, lying, infidelity, projection, gaslighting, poor boundaries, an inability to be alone, Schaedenfraude, seductiveness, impulsivity, and hypersensitivity. And that’s only some of them; there’s plenty more where they came from.
You’re encouraged to tally how many of the 30 traits your partner exhibits. According to Dr. Ramani, if you sum up 15 or more “yes” answers, your partner is likely “pathologically narcissistic.” If you answer “yes” to 20 or more, it’s most likely a guarantee you’re involved with a pathological narcissist.
Dr. Ramani stresses that Should I Stay Or Should I Go? is not a clinical manual, but rather a survival guide for people in narcissistic relationships. As such, the checklist does not exist to assign anyone with a clinical diagnosis, but rather is provided for you to recognize patterns of behavior in your romantic partner and organize those patterns under a descriptive label for you so you can understand what’s going on in your life and decide how to move forward.
05.) Once you’ve scanned through the checklist of 30 narcissism characteristics, in-depth examinations, anecdotes, and red flags are provided to further understand all of them.
Most of the examinations of the 30 narcissism characteristics open with an anecdote Dr. Ramani recounts from her interviews. These provide readers with a first-person account of how the characteristics make you feel. As you read them, you might find yourself pausing with an uncomfortable feeling of Déjà vu.
And every examination of the 30 narcissism characteristics ends with early red flags to keep an eye out for, such as picking up on someone’s entitlement and arrogance by watching how your date treats the service staff at a restaurant. Or, is your new partner a rageful driver who cuts people off and tailgates? Be careful, because as Dr. Ramani says, “rage is rage… it’s only a matter of time before you are the target of that rage.”
04.) Even if you’re no longer in a narcissistic relationship, the book is still relevant for identifying and understanding your experiences.
“But what if you’re already out of the relationship?”
I was asked this question by someone in a group setting discussing resources for better understanding narcissism and toxic relationships. My recommendation was Should I Stay Or Should I Go?.
I responded that it doesn’t really matter, because the book still serves as validation for your experiences in your relationship. In many ways, it reads as psychotherapy on the go for the small cost of the book’s cover price.
But the key word is “validation,” and because this book provides it, it’s (in my opinion) the most important attribute of the book has to offer. Remember—this is not a clinical manual, but a survival guide for understanding your narcissistic relationship both during and after the experience.
And because Dr. Ramani’s style and tone is empathic and understanding (not to mention conversational), you’ll feel heard as you are reading the book and identifying with all of its lessons and insights. Sadly, the chances are high that it’s the most you’ve felt heard since figuring out the true nature of your toxic relationship.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
3 Comments
Thank you Steven for this article. I was looking for information on which book of Dr Ramani i should read first, and this article explained. I have left a toxic relationship a year ago, but it’s not out of mind yet, and I am ordering “Should i Stay or should i go?” now. Thank you again!
Hi Steven, i left a comment earlier. Can you kindly change my name in the comment to something else where it doesn’t identify my name? Sorry i didn’t realise the name would
appear before i posted my comment
Hello — I changed your name to XYZ123, like in your follow-up to me. I hope that helps.
And I’m happy you got out of your toxic relationship. It’s one of the most psychologically distressing experiences you’ll ever endure, I’m sure. I’m currently writing more content on narcissistic and toxic relationships, so I hope you’ll stop by and read some more.