My greatest suffocating fear after the Gay Narcissist discarded me for the New Supply was that they’d move on and have the blissful and unblemished relationship I thought I wanted and deserved with him.
So, you’d think I’d be elated when the stress fractures of the Gay Narcissist and New Supply’s relationship started to show up early on, right?
I wasn’t.
More and more signs appeared. The soaring bliss shared between the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply was hitting turbulence. But the revelation only added to my confusion and disorientation instead of giving me some schadenfreude-born glee.
These signs of trouble between the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply were on full display for me to observe, since the Gay Narcissist and I continued cohabitating for several months after the Final Narcissistic Discard occurred.
Write-ups covering how new supply, replacement partners, and narcissistic discard warp the minds of those who have lived in narcissistic relationships can feel like a lifeline. But what about when a source of new supply isn’t working out? What does that look like or feel like?
Here are some signs that a narcissist’s source of new supply might not be working out…
SIGN: Old Habits Start Up Again, Especially Stress Relievers
I haven’t even wanted a cigarette since meeting him!
The Gay Narcissist told me this within days of the Final Narcissistic Discard. When I confronted him about hiding the fact that he replaced me with the New Supply, he realized he had no lies left to hide behind, so he admitted it.
With that out of the way, the Gay Narcissist suffered from not one iota of shyness. He started treating me like a trusted roommate, confidant, and all-around pal. He wasn’t smoking anymore either, so I asked about it.
As it turned out, the Gay Narcissist felt so incredible with the New Supply he didn’t even need to smoke anymore. True love conquered tobacco.
For a time.
The sobriety from nicotine lasted three or four months. But his long drives home from visiting the New Supply every weekend eventually got to him. And as the Gay Narcissist’s anxiety grew, he started making pitstops to buy some smokes.
Just this one time, I was told. And then, this is the last one.
Hey, no skin off my ass. He didn’t have to answer to me.
It took no time at all for the Gay Narcissist’s smoking habit to return full-force. I, too, was smoking due to all of the stress, and oddly enough, we’d share many smoke breaks together. During these small interactions he acted like little had changed between us.
I wasn’t fooled. Everything was forever different, but I played along to maintain some level of normalcy.
But why was he smoking again at all? What happened?
Logic dictated that the thin veneer of perfection the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply projected was starting to fade.
SIGN: Small Criticisms About Unanticipated Inconveniences Start To Pop Up
Narcissists are creatures of comfort and convenience. They don’t want to be pushed or forced to do much of anything outside of exactly what they want to do when they want to do it.
I don’t care how perfect a replacement partner looks. It’s impossible for someone to be perfect. Life itself is a subjective experience. But narcissists are colorblind to subjectivity. Life itself it all or nothing, especially when they meet a new target. They’re too consumed with love bombing and devouring the the limerent supply the love bombing is extracting for them.
Narcissists are averse to subjectivity because it requires a nuanced mind to navigate and comprise within. Again, if it’s not what they want when they want it, then retribution will be swift. And as the love bombing fades and the narcissistic supply of a new target starts to go stale, all of the little inconveniences of the new arrangement are made visible.
For example, when the Gay Narcissist first met the New Supply, no distance was too far and no request too demanding for the Gay Narcissist to overcome in order to please his soul mate.
Until it was.
All of a sudden, the drives to and from the New Supply’s far-away home weekend after weekend grew evermore burdensome.
The mounting costs of trips and hotels were stressing the Gay Narcissist’s already delicate finances.
And not only did I get to hear about it—I was held accountable.
“You know, it wouldn’t kill you to go away every once and awhile and let me have the house,” the Gay Narcissist told me during one of our cigarette breaks. He was frustrated and sour-faced.
It was his house, too, he told me. His name was also on the lease and he paid his fair share of the rent, I was reminded. Why should he have to do all of that driving and spend all of that money? Why couldn’t he spend some time in his house with the New Supply?
To this day, I am still speechless over his level of entitlement.
SIGN: Newer Supply Is Sought Out To Compensate For The Failings Of The New Supply
As terrible as it is when you’re discarded and replaced by another person, a runner up on the awful-meter is when the narcissist realizes that person, too, is far from perfect, and he starts seeking out even newer supply to compensate for the failings of the previous new supply.
It’s Michael Scott angrily threatening to quick Michael Scott Paper Company to start yet another paper company in defiance.
A narcissist is pathologically insecure at all times, and the only way he can regulate his emotions is through outside forces. Everything and anything from the outside that gives the self esteem of the narcissist a boost is, thus, narcissistic supply.
The need for narcissistic supply will always and forever be paramount. As Dr. Ramani has said countless times—narcissistic supply is a narcissist’s psychological air supply. If it gets cut off, he might as well be suffocating.
Why else would a vampire be a strong metaphor for a narcissist? The hunt for blood is paramount to a vampire, otherwise it cannot survive. The hunt for narcissistic supply is paramount to a narcissist. Without it, he can’t emotionally survive.
Some months into the Post-Discard Days when the Gay Narcissist and I shared many cigarettes together, he’d freely discuss his life and told me when he felt the New Supply was letting me down. He was light on details, but he made his points clear enough.
One evening in the dead of winter the Gay Narcissist was (again) sour and angry. It was clear the New Supply was acting in a way that greatly displeased him. The soul mate had a little less soul that evening.
“Well, that’s all right…” the Gay Narcissist started to say, But then hesitated.
“What?” I said to him.
He laughed to himself and told me that he posted a picture of himself on his Instagram that morning. Throughout the day he received four private messages from guys who wanted “to meet up.”
I asked if that meant sex.
“Yes… so that made me feel good,” he said. He took a drag off his cigarette and smiled to himself. “So, whatever.”
Whatever, indeed.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
2 Comments
To this day, I am still speechless over his level of entitlement.
At least yours payed rent, mine pays nothing because all he earns goes away within a day of hitting his bank account and still gets his new supply/ies into my flat while I’m at work. How I know this, my detective skills have sharpened to a level I could work for MI6
I used to feel sorry for him, as he is unable to do anything on his own, but now I realise that the problem is that he gets others to do what he finds tedious or boring. Counting the days I can finally legally get rid of him. Thanks for writing the blog, it takes courage to share having being a victim so blatantly
Hey, thank you for reading and sharing your experiences. The good news is when you think you can’t move past it, the day comes when you stop caring, you learn your lessons, and you move on.
I used to be an incredible push-over because I fell for the “woe-is-me” bullshit so much. I guess I didn’t feel good enough for anyone or anything, so I took all of these damaged dirtbags and figured a fixer-upper was the way to go.
But you’ll get there and stop caring.