As I watched the Gay Narcissist move on with the New Supply, I often reminded myself there was a time when I was the New Supply myself.
And when I was the New Supply at the beginning of my gay narcissistic relationship with the Gay Narcissist, I was the villain in the life of the discarded person that preceded me.
I remembered this constantly during the time following my narcissistic discard. During the Post-Discard Days when we cohabitated with each other, I would see and hear the actions of the Gay Narcissist toward the New Supply. And I would remember, years prior, when he would treat me in the same way.
There was a time when the mention of my name made the Gay Narcissist light up. The Gay Narcissist inundated me with endless text messages. The Gay Narcissist wanted to speak to me nightly on video chat when we were not together. The Gay Narcissist hung on my every word and always wanted to know more.
All of that is very much past tense by many, many years.
But at the beginning, the Gay Narcissist worked to pull me in. And rest assured, I was a cheap and easy date. The price of admission into my life when I was in my 20s was dirt cheap.
I was desperate for any kind of attention, so when the Gay Narcissist targeted me with his love-bombing tactics, I welcomed the mushroom cloud.
Preserved In Digital Amber
I mentioned in my blog post, “Narcissism, Relational Chemistry, And Limerence,” that I kept several old screenshots of text exchanges I had with the Gay Narcissist in the beginning weeks of our gay narcissistic relationship. Roughly speaking, these texts occurred within the first 10 to 12 weeks to narrow the timeframe down.
The fact that I even bothered capturing these screenshots at all should give you a good insight into my own way of thinking at the time.
I was so starved and desperate for the kind words of anyone—even a person who would turn into a total and absolute train wreck wreaking havoc in my life—that I needed to preserve those words in digital amber.
Some of the things the Gay Narcissist said to me in these text messages included:
“I do love you baby… I’m crazy about you and I’m not going anywhere…
“I love you with all my heart, I believe you are the one I’ve been looking for my entire life…”
“You light up my day and you relax me at night…”
“I’ve never in my life felt the way I do when I’m with you and also knowing you… I’m falling in with you… and I’m actually letting myself enjoy you… there is no one on this earth that I would rather be with…”
“You are by far the man I’ve been waiting for my entire life… [you]make me a very happy man…”
This is just a brief sampling of the endless streams of texts I receiving during the weeks of love-bombing the Gay Narcissist rained on me.
Not captured in these sparse few texts are the many arguments and disagreements the Gay Narcissist and I had very early on. Emotions were high and tense and hypersensitive starting the day we first met each other.
Every last one of those arguments left the Gay Narcissist telling me perhaps I wasn’t the one and perhaps it wasn’t going to work out. Rarely did he commit his darker words in text. Whenever possible he verbalized his threats versus leaving evidence.
I always begged for his forgiveness until he took me back.
And he always did—until a suitable replacement was found.
Are Gay Men More Narcissistic?
I’ve been writing about my own personal experiences in a gay narcissistic relationship on this website for some time now, but rarely do I stray into actual “gay” relational stuff.
It’s interesting, because this whole writing exercise on my part has shown me how, emotionally, human relationships really aren’t all that different despite sex and gender.
When healthy people form a romantic and intimate union, chances are better than not that it will work out, gay or straight. Even if it doesn’t last, the relationship will have been a worthwhile experience and endeavor.
But when unhealthy people come together to light up some fire works, the sparks quickly fizzle out and leave in their place invalidation, exhaustion, and abuse.
But after reading over those text messages above, and recalling the totality of the relationship, I will say this: I have a strong suspicion that gay men, generally, have higher levels of narcissism as a subgroup.
It’s not a surprise when you consider the patterns of over-indulgence and under-indulgence in the early development of gay children. Fathers typically back off when they sense the child isn’t conforming to standard masculine roles or showing the traits, and mothers usually step in and compensate.
This is compounded by gay men developing “toxic shame” early on in childhood development from their sense and awareness of not fitting in and not successfully conforming with their peers.
When you’re consumed with such intense shame early on, that lays the groundwork for insecurity that reaches well into adulthood.
Why would it be any wonder that narcissism then develops to shield that core insecurity?
Prone To Limerence
Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World is one of two books I’ve read on the psychological development of gay children into adulthood. (The other is Richard Isay’s On Being Homosexual).
Downs nails it when he describes the kind of explosive chemistry that happens when two gay men come together romantically for the first time. There’s an eruption of passion and idealization. How could there not be? The empty emotional wells of both men are overflowing with the fresh waters of attention and validation.
But as Dr. Ross Rosenberg has said many times, even though you’re feeling chemistry, that is not necessarily a good thing.
Chemistry is simply familiarity, and your life-long wirings are being triggered and ignited. While you think you’re getting what you want from what’s being said (like the sample text messages above) the behavior of your partner feels right because it’s what you’re used to experiencing and how you’re being treated.
Since I suspect that gay men are far more inherently narcissistic relationship hopping is common, as are open relationships. The party can never end and Peter Pan can never grow up. Gay men are prone to limerence because we don’t typically do the heavy psychological lifting to try and fix ourselves. It’s easier to find someone else or something else to fix it for us.
This is the perfect algorithm for cycles of idealization, devaluation, and discard that almost always happen in narcissistic relationships.
There will always be a “new supply” before you and after you.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
