Why, why, why?
This is the one key question that runs through the mind of a person who has been discarded from a narcissistic relationship. It’s unimaginable, unbearable, and unbelievable when the narcissist in your life announces he (or she) is done with you and it’s time to get lost.
It is also the reality of the situation, regardless if you’re ready to handle it or not.
But why? What are the reasons and motivations behind why a narcissist discards one partner and then brings in a source of new supply to fill the fresh vacancy?
Here are three reasons why a narcissistic discard happens, and why new supply is so quickly sought out after it occurs.
REASON 01: It is All About Boredom, Pure And Simple
Narcissists grow bored of their partners fast—incredibly fast.
As difficult as it is to process, narcissists take on romantic partners out of a passionate and obsessive state of limerence. The emotions the narcissist feels for this new individual are all-consuming. And the new object of his affection must be seized at all costs.
And I do not use words like “seize” and “object” lightly.
Be fully aware that when you enter into a relationship with a narcissist, you are completely objectified. You are used for sex, money, status, or simply the convenience of your company—while you’re still valued as a new and exciting object in the narcissist’s life.
But this will never last. It will always fade.
Eventually your human flaws and frailties will start showing (since we all have them), and the narcissist will be quite displeased. These flaws and frailties will then be weaponized against you and the devaluing will start.
Eventually the devaluing cools off, complete boredom settles in, and then a discard is imminent.
REASON 02: New People Bring Fresh Supply To The Narcissist
While the romantic partner of a narcissist is struggling to make sense of why the relationship is not working like it once did, why the honeymoon so abruptly ended, and why the attitude of the narcissist is increasingly dismissive and sullen, a pattern will begin to emerge.
While you endure the worst parts of the narcissist you’re in a romantic relationship with, you’ll notice he is quite chipper and energized with anyone new or long-lost who enters his life.
And this will, rightfully or wrongfully, infuriate you.
“How come everyone else gets the fun you, and I’m stuck with the miserable prick,” I once asked the Gay Narcissist from my own past Gay Narcissistic Relationship.
He never had an answer for me, and I was not able to figure out on my own until a long time after I was discarded and replaced with the New Supply from my own story. None the less, I saw the pattern clearly that when he was with me he was dark and gloomy, and when he was with others he was lively—albeit phony.
That’s because new people are fresh opportunities to fluff, charm, and gloat around. And when a narcissist can make himself sound special and important, he fleetingly believes it is true.
But as his partner, you know better.
This connects with Reason 01, because a narcissist’s boredom with his partner will always push him to seek out a source of new supply. You know what a miserable and empty creature this individual can be, and it’s hard for you to pretend after awhile. This makes you a stale source of supply.
Even worse (for him), you learn how to jab his deep-rooted pathological insecurity upon reaching your limit of the bullshit. This makes you a threat to figuratively neutralize in the eyes of a narcissist.
And so, the narcissist begins his hunt for something new and fresh to permanently replace you with.
REASON 03: You Start Pulling Away, Whether You Realize It Or Not
In the last year of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, when the Gay Narcissist was away from the house and I was carrying out chores like laundry, cleaning, and cooking, I’d lapse into almost trance-like states of resentment.
Before I knew it, I was exploding with rageful arguments I screamed and hollered into the empty air, spitting as much hateful bile as possible at an imaginary projection of the Gay Narcissist.
And then it was temporarily purged from my system. The Gay Narcissist eventually returned home, I’d compose myself again, and we carried on until the relationship ended and I eventually moved out.
But so much emotional turbulence can not be completely covered up. And it’s destructive to your health to even try.
Throughout our relationship I pulled away from the Gay Narcissist more and more, and he could sense it. Every time this happened I was either gifted with a brief bout of love bombing, or I was punished with dalliances within the confines of our toxic and abusive open relationship.
All the while I stood by, casting myself freely and willingly in the role of a helpless victim. He hung around long enough until he found the New Supply to replace me with.
Oh, make no mistake. I was devastated and crushed when this happened. I would have given anything to get the relationship—my drug—back.
But if you would have asked the version of me several months prior to the Final Narcissistic Discard—the same guy screaming all of his relational grievances at nothing but the empty air—I would have given anything for my freedom.
It’s a dizzying contradiction, and one that speaks to how powerful and deep the trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance of narcissistic relationships infects you.
Yes, when a narcissist puffs himself up and is bragging with bloated arrogance, he comes across as a buffoon and fool because you know the real him.
But don’t assume he’s a complete idiot.
He’s paying more attention to you than you think. It’s only when it’s convenient for him, sure, and it’s only to know if you’re still worth keeping around or if he should discard you and find a new supply source.
But he’s paying attention, none the less.
And even though is unbearable in the moment, a narcissistic discard is the best thing for you, and when the dust settles, you’ll wonder how long until the new supply is cast aside, too.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
