As horrendous as the discard phase of a narcissistic relationship is, it’s even worse when the narcissist in your life discards you for new supply, seemingly casting you aside forever.
You see, when the narcissistic supply you offer your toxic ex grows stale and the relationship reaches its final death rattle, the narcissist in your life will grow listless and bored. Eventually he will target a replacement, and when that happens, just watch how quickly he’ll move on—and out—of your life with awe-inspiring haste.
And once the narcissist’s source of new and intoxicating supply is secured, he will let a lot of people know… as in everyone. A narcissist from my own past reached out to individuals he hadn’t spoken to in months and even years, just to “catch up” and “reconnect” all of a sudden. Need you guess the main topic of conversation?
And trust me—the narcissist knows his PR blitz is getting back to you. More so, he knows it’s royally fucking with your head. Make absolutely zero mistake: he’s extracting fresh and dark supply from your psychological discomfort. He feels mighty knowing his influence extends that far.
No, you probably won’t be called out directly as a relational failure, but the publicity tour the narcissist embarks on will broadcast plenty of winks and nods. The narcissist’s message couldn’t be plainer: this kind of bliss was never possible with the imperfections and failures of relationships past.
But this time? Well, this time will be different.
Now that you’re out and the new supply is in, your narcissistic ex will ride off into the sunset with your replacement, won’t he? His future is finally destined for unending happiness, isn’t it?
No, he won’t. And no, it’s not.
It’s only destined for more of the same bullshit once the dopamine crashes and the love bombing ceases.
But I’m just a guy with a whole lot of personal experience and armchair knowledge on narcissism I learned from books, blogs, articles, and videos. So don’t take my word for it alone. Listen to what leading narcissism expert, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, has to say on the subject.
In Dr. Ramani’s livestream from 07 November 2019, the following question (at the 04:31 timestamp) was asked:
QUESTION: How do you deal when they’ve left you for new supply and they post it all over social media?
ANSWER: Here’s what you do… you sit back, grab a bucket of popcorn, and wait for this to blow up as badly as it blew up with you.
Everybody’s fear is that the narcissist is going to move on to a new relationship… and change.
It’s never going to happen—they’re not going to change for someone else. That new person is going to go through exactly what you went through—maybe with a little variation—but it’s going to be just as bad.
Also, though—warning—don’t reach out to that new person and warn them. This is their hard lesson to learn. You aren’t like the American Red Cross for Narcissism Prevention. This is their lesson to learn. They couldn’t see this one coming… they’re going to have to learn it the hard way—the way you had to learn it.
When they post it all over social media, that’s where blocking people comes in—real handy. You want a friend to give you an update from time to time? That’s on you.
Block them—block them, block people who know them, or at least hide their posts.
You don’t need to see that. That interferes with your healing.
Dr. Ramani further elaborates on this idea in her Psychology Today blog post from November 2011, “Surviving a Narcissistic Breakup: The Fear and the Reality.”
Use whatever psychobabble you want—trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance, familiarity, roots of origin—but the central issue is this: people get stuck in narcissistic relationships because they’re trying to prove and/or win something, and maintaining the relationship (along with fruitlessly “fixing” the narcissistic partner) is the coveted (although unwinnable) prize.
And because of this, Dr Ramani’s narcissism blog post is an absolute must-read if you’re trapped in the psychological hell of watching your narcissistic ex move on with new supply.
As Dr. Ramani writes:
“If your reason for staying is based on the faulty premise ‘someone is going to get the better version of him’ — then it’s time for a wakeup call. The ‘better version of him’ does not really exist. The only ‘reassuring’ aspect of narcissistic relationships is their consistency. You can be pretty confident that the way you are being treated today will be the same next week, next month, and next year. Personality is our psychological fingerprint, and narcissism is a personality pattern. It tends to be stable…
If anything, you may wonder whether you should be writing a condolence card to their new partners… If you ever were to compare notes with the new partner, it would be the same story with the same ending.”
Personally speaking, when my narcissistic relationship ended, I did exactly this. I shared many text messages and phone calls with the longtime ex-partner before me—for whom I was the new supply. He and I both agreed the similarities between relationships were many and chilling.
I know it’s jarring. I know your brain is broken. But in those fleeting moments of psychological quiet, rest easy in knowing that the new partner is merely a human transaction for new supply. This person will be a short-lived high and that’s all.
You probably don’t want to believe it, because believing it means what you had was never truly real. But the psychological roots of your narcissistic ex and his pathology are deep and strong—and they are his responsibility.
Always remember this: maintaining a narcissistic relationship to “fix” a toxic person is a Sisyphean labor. And given enough time, it will destroy you.
Let the new supply try and fail. Sometimes it’s the hard—though ultimately valuable—lesson we need.
Please Note: the original video that this blog post was based around was made private, so I replaced the above video with another covering a familiar topic, also from Dr. Ramani.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
