“I hate liars and cheaters.”
The Gay Narcissist was direct and clear when he told me this during the opening days of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship. He had been burned many times in the past—burned by partners who were unfaithful and dishonest. It was a mystery why it kept happening to him, but he had his fill. It was time to end.
And then the question was posed to me.
I wasn’t a liar or a cheater, was I? I wasn’t like all the others, was I?
I wanted nothing to do with liars or cheaters, either. And so, I assured the Gay Narcissist he had nothing to worry about from me. He’d receive nothing but complete honesty and and fidelity from me. Of that I assured him over and over and over again.
Silly me.
You see, I assumed my perception of lying and cheating would count for something. But I quickly found out that my perception of honesty in a relationship did not align with that of the Gay Narcissist.
They did not align in the slightest.
A Suffocating Panic
It started out small, and it started out with texting.
Texting was a constant source of consternation between us from then beginning. If I was not replying quickly enough, or with enough enthusiasm, then the Gay Narcissist would assume something was wrong. And if something was wrong, then it was fault. And following that was the expectation that I modify my behavior immediately. If I did not, then I did not care. I did not “love” him, and we were not meant to be together.
This was always the threat—the great and ominous threat. If I didn’t shape up, whatever the given problem was at the time, then the Gay Narcissist would exit my life, never to return.
And this sent me into a suffocating panic every single time it showed itself. I eventually started comparing my texts to his, counting heart emojis to send just one more than he did previously. I was grateful when he ended the back-and-forth to return to his own work. Finally, a rest.
I always feared telling him that I needed to back off from texting for awhile, because there was a real chance an accusation would brew from that.
Perhaps he’d wonder if I was really working. Or was I up to something else… something sinister?
This grew in aggression when I’d tell him I was visiting the barber shop. I’m plenty conceited in my own way, and I usually get my hair cut every two weeks. I felt the need to announce this to the Gay Narcissist. There was a compulsion to tell him my whereabouts at all times, without fail. Wasn’t it dishonest and deceitful not to?
And only a few months into the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, the Gay Narcissist would accuse me of not really getting my hair cut, but rather cruising for men to have sex with. I’d instantly grow upset, but not out of anger.
I’d be upset with cold-sweated fear. Did he really think that? Was he going to leave me over this? What could I do to assuage him? Eventually the Gay Narcissist would say he was just kidding. I’d calm down, and then I’d cling.
Things would then somewhat stabilize… until the same exact thing came up again, fresh and anew.
A Maddening Tug-Of-War
Returning readers already know how this story plays out.
And it goes something like this: the Gay Narcissist doth protest too much… way too much.
With the way the Gay Narcissist told the story, he was always the victim of liars and cheaters. No one was ever truthful, honest, or forthright with him. The Gay Narcissist would open his heart to someone, but a dastardly liar and cheater always managed to slip through his defenses to cause hurt and sorrow in his life.
I am grateful I am not as young and naive as I was then, because I believed it all.
I never once questioned him. I didn’t understand what love bombing and idealization were, so I didn’t realize I was being lured in and set up for an incredible fall. I believed that everything happening between the Gay Narcissist and I was genuine—even if it often made me feel uncomfortable and distressed.
That’s what a loving relationship was, right?
There’s this maddening tug-of-war that happens in all narcissistic relationships, and it became very clear in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship early on. As a participant in the relationship, you find yourself fighting to keep your partner stable and placated so you don’t loose the relationship you’re trying to control. But as you do that, your resentment keeps growing and growing because you’re the only one putting in the effort. The narcissist in your life can give a rat’s ass. All he or she is interested in is individual gratification and nothing more—nothing deeper.
And it’s pretty much a guarantee that gratification is achieved—to some extent—through lying.
“Nearly An Art Form”
Dr. George Simon has made a career out of analyzing the behavioral patterns of manipulative and controlling people. In the words of Simon, these individuals have a “character disturbance.” Importantly, his work has given him insight in how to deal with people like this.
George Simon is the author of the excellent book, In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing with Manipulative People, In the ninth chapter, “Recognizing The Tactics Of Manipulation And Control,” the use of lying is spelled out clearly.
In the words of Dr. George Simon himself from In Sheep’s Clothing:
It’s hard to tell when a person is lying at the time they’re doing it. Fortunately, there are times when the truth will come out because circumstances don’t bear out somebody’s story.
But there are times when you don’t know you’ve been deceived until it’s too late. One way to minimize the chances that someone will put one over on you is to remember that because aggressive personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and cheat. Another thing to remember is that manipulators—covert-aggressive personalities that they are—are prone to lie in subtle, covert ways.
Someone was well aware of the many ways there are to lie when they suggested that court oaths charge a person to tell “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” Manipulators and other disturbed characters have refined lying to nearly an art form.
And it’s not all about plain lies, either.
Dr. George Simon explains that lying by omission is a common and sly tactic manipulators use to deceive and control their targets.
He also points out the even more underhanded strategy of lying by distortion. A manipulator won’t state any falsehoods, but the liar instead rearranges and accents elements of the truth with his or her own perception. So, the facts are there, but the structure and spirit of the narrative told is false.
The Ultimate Lie
The Gay Narcissist’s fixation on lying and cheating never wavered as the Gay Narcissistic Relationship trudged toward the gallows.
My cynicism and misery grew. I started to see everything the Gay Narcissist said as some kind of falsehood, even though I rarely admitted it to myself. Whenever he lobbed an accusation my way, I automatically wondered what mischief he was making in my absence. Whenever he seemed overly exuberant, I wondered the same thing. There was never a break.
Despite all of that, I clung until the ultimate lie was told and there was nothing left to cling to.
And this, of course, was the Final Narcissistic Discard and the revelation of the New Supply.
“You know,” I started to say to the Gay Narcissist. “You’ve obsessed over lying and cheating all these years. But it’s you who turned out to be the biggest liar and cheater.”
The Gay Narcissist jumped at this accusation.
I never once lied or cheated, he said to me. We had an open relationship, and I was telling you the truth when I said our relationship ended because of problems that happened between us.
And, of course, he said that the New Supply played no part at all in his decision to execute on the Final Narcissistic Discard. It was simply a happy coincidence.
That was the night the Gay Narcissist lied the most.
But it was not a lie to me.
It was to himself.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
