It almost always begins with denial.
When a relationship with a narcissist reaches the end stage—what is commonly called the Discard Phase—the person embroiled in the relationship (I call these individuals “targets,” but other writers and content creators refer to them as “survivors” and “victims”) will begin to deny the very reality that is going on around him or her.
Before entering into the Discard Phase of a narcissistic relationship, you’ve surely put up with plenty of emotional abusive and coercive manipulation; it’s been slow-dripped into your body and mind by your narcissistic partner. How many requests have you given into—requests you never thought would be made of you? How many situations and circumstances have you acquiesced to—situations and circumstances you never thought possible at the beginning of the relationship with the narcissist?
What’s most upsetting is none of it seems possible when reflecting on the beginning of the relationship—the Idealization Phase.
The Idealization Phase is a powerful and intoxicating rush—it’s a pure emotional high that’s drug-fueled with love bombing and adoration. And it is this phase in the lifecycle of a narcissistic relationship that sets an impossible standard moving forward.
As the target of a narcissist, you’re left wondering what is going wrong when the Idealization Phase transitions into the Devaluation Phase. What did you do to deserve the dismissiveness, the insults, the contempt, the threats, and the cold rejection?
Depending on how long a narcissistic relationship lasts, you could very well experience years of devaluation and abuse at the hands of a narcissist. The only way you going is by explaining all of the dark behavior away and normalizing a very abnormal and poisonous relationship.
So, it’s no wonder a target of narcissistic abuse would deny all of the signs that a narcissist is preparing to discard and move on to a source of new supply.
Thunderstruck By The Truth
A common narrative you will eventually tell yourself is that this is not possible.
It simply is not possible that your narcissistic partner is courting your replacement while simultaneously plotting your discard, right?
Perhaps your narcissistic partner does have his or her eye on someone new, someone who summons up passion and excitement the narcissist has not felt in a long time for you.
But it’s fleeting, and it will pass. It has no substance, and it will not last.
I will say this, too. Your belief that none of this is possible speaks well of your own character.
It shows that you as a target of a narcissist does want to do whatever you can for your partner and the life you built together. You’re willing to fight for it, and you are willing to make sacrifices for it when such a duty is called for.
But all too often targets are too willing to to make these sacrifices and spend too much energy on fighting for a relationship.
And narcissists are aware of this. They enable and trigger these elements in the personalities of targets for their own benefit, and these guise their true intentions with subtle manipulation and coercive abuse to keep the relationship going for as long as the narcissist finds it useful.
But when the utility of the relationship is depleted, the narcissist will begin preparations for your dismissal and replacement with a source of new supply.
Thus, the Discard Phase begins.
In my own narcissistic relationship—that which I formally call the Gay Narcissistic Relationship for the purpose of this blog—my ex-partner, who I call the Gay Narcissist, found my replacement when our relationship was at a low point. I was determined to save it. He was determined to exit as swiftly as possible with someone new.
I knew instantly when he found my replacement. I was present for it, and it was a moment in time that thunderstruck me with a truth I could not handle. And so, the only emotional tool I could muster was to explain it away.
I turned to denial.
Dark, Perverse Supply
The denial did me no favors, of course.
It only set met up for a harder fall when I discovered the truth of the clandestine relationship the Gay Narcissist carried on with my replacement, the New Supply. And the denial I indulged in was the only thing delaying the inevitable reality I needed to face.
The Gay Narcissistic Relationship was over, and the Gay Narcissist discarded me in favor of the New Supply.
None of this troubled the Gay Narcissist at all, mind you. If anything, I think he enjoyed my confusion and misery.
I believe that when narcissists discard their partners, they do more than draw upon sources of new supply. Narcissists likely also feed on the dark and perverse supply from the hurt and suffering of the discarded.
Who knows? Perhaps the dark supply is as sweet and the limerence experienced from the replacement partner. It’s hard not to think like this, since the new relationship with your replacement is promoted by the narcissist. Why wouldn’t any of us come to this conclusion, when you consider the publicity tour narcissists embark on when one person replaces another in quick succession.
Jackson MacKenzie discusses this topic in his book, Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People. Mackenzie’s book was one of the many important reads that helped guide me out of the dense fog of my own narcissistic discard.
In the chapter titled “The Grand Finale,” on page 96, MacKenzie explains the following:
If you believe they’re treating the new target better than they treated you, you’re not alone. This is how nearly every survivor feels (including the new target, when he or she inevitably gets replaced down the road). The psychopath presents an image of their new relationship that seems flawless, like a fairy tale.
Before you know it, they’ve adopted someone else’s dreams, likes, and dislikes. They’re both flaunting the new relationship before the entire world, not even a hint of shame or guilt for the fact that you were essentially swapped out in a matter of days.
But once you can no longer deny this truth about the nature of narcissistic relationships, what will you do?
Will you remain in a state of suspended emotional animation? Or will you yourself learn how to discard, and cast off the codependence you’ve developed within your narcissistic relationship?
Though it will take time to adjust to your new circumstances, this is your only—and best—chance at moving forward and on in your own life.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
