For all the years I was embroiled in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, I lived in existential dread of the whole thing halting to a crashing stop.
I didn’t know how I’d survive outside of its framework. I didn’t believe it possible to exist without the Gay Narcissist at my side. How would I be able to rebuild a life when there was nothing to build with? My partner and the relationship we shared was absolutely everything to me. I was nothing without them.
But there came a point where I wasn’t left with a choice, as regular readers know.
The Gay Narcissist met the New Supply, and the Gay Narcissistic Relationship ended with the Final Narcissistic Discard. We continued to cohabitated with one another throughout the Post-Discard Days. Eventually those ended, too.
And then I finally moved out into my own apartment—alone.
As it turns out, all of those impossibilities I believed about rebuilding my life outside of the Gay Narcissist Relationship evaporated within the span of only a few weeks.
Rather quickly, the crippling despair of abandonment turned into the sweet taste of freedom.
Reclaiming Quiet Freedom
It should be said that I don’t suffer from loneliness easily (quite rarely, in fact) and living alone is a great pleasure in my life.
So, with that in mind, the fact that I locked myself up in the psychic prison of a narcissistic relationship is an interesting oddity.
But throughout the years I spent with the Gay Narcissist, he’d travel often visiting his friends and family. I dutifully joined him at first. But when I realized it would be an ongoing aspect of his life, without end, I quickly realized it would never work for me. He was free to answer the summons of those around him, but I would not.
This worked to my advantage. The weekend-long visitations the Gay Narcissist burdened himself with gave me something I deeply needed—solitude.
I am an introverted creature. And as the years trudged on, I’d salivate at the chance for one of those “weekends of solitude.” They were mundane, sure. But they gave me untold pleasure.
I’d clean the house while listening to podcasts. I’d read books in the morning with my coffee. I’d play video games after dinner. I’d go grocery shopping unbothered. I’d catch up on movies and television shows the Gay Narcissist had no interest in.
What a blissful time it was when I was left with my own company and the Gay Narcissist was no where in sight.
Unable To Admit All That Was Wrong
So blissful was this time alone that when the Gay Narcissist returned, ending my time alone, I almost always felt agitated and anxious.
I’d hold my breath as I heard his car pull into the driveway and the front door open. I never knew what mood he’d be in. I never knew what he’d complain about. I never knew what he’d want or demand.
When the Gay Narcissist and I entered into an open relationship, his return moods were even more fraught. He would sometimes accuse me of abstaining from his travels because I wanted to have the house to myself to enjoy the fruits of the open relationship.
What a laughable idea.
When I was rid of the Gay Narcissist during these precious weekends of solitude, the absolute last thing I wanted was to deal with another person, let alone the frustrating and exhausting process of coaxing a gay man into an act of rushed and unsatisfying copulation.
Talk about a hard pass.
More so, I am sure there was plenty of projection in his accusations. Who knows what the Gay Narcissist was up to himself. Honestly, though, unless he was openly flaunting his dalliances to triangulate me, I accepted the reality of his supply-seeking mischief as a tradeoff for my precious weekends of solitude.
But why should there be tradeoffs at all? If the relationship was not working for me, then why not end it?
I still have a hard time understanding my headspace during the Gay Narcissistic Relationship versus the years after it ended.
All I can say at this time is ending it was an absolute impossibility, even though being rid of the Gay Narcissist and free to live a quiet and mundane life was the best thing for me and all I wanted. But I would not (or could not) let that happened.
I was enmeshed. I was trauma-bonded. I convinced myself I needed the Gay Narcissist and the Gay Narcissistic Relationship to survive. If he and it went away, my life would collapse and would no longer be worth living.
What a disgusting notion. But, I believed it.
And so, I stayed because I convinced myself I had to. Or else.
The Sweet Taste Of Freedom
Even though the Final Narcissistic Discard was an emotional horror at the time, it turned out to be the only thing the Gay Narcissist gave me worth a damn.
And while this may sound dark, it’s true: when I lock my door every night and I know the Gay Narcissist will never again darken its doorway, I’m filled with peace.
Every day is now a weekend of solitude.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
