Throughout my gay narcissistic relationship, the Gay Narcissist treated his phone like a sacred object that he guarded with his life.
When he started lobbying for an open relationship, the phone’s importance exploded. It became a round-the-clock portal for narcissistic supply, and he used it for that purpose.
But beyond that, the Gay Narcissist’s obsession with his phone grew to symbolize his duplicitous behavior. He was ready and willing to do anything that fed his gratification and puffed up his ego—the feelings of others be damned. I confronted him on this sometimes, sure, but it always resulted in a verbal lashing. When the relationship was fresh, my feelings were hurt and I’d seek forgiveness. As the relationship rotted, I’d point the behavior out just to frustrate him.
His defense was always the same. The Gay Narcissist was allowed to have his own friends, and I did not have the right to control him.
That was correct, of course. Too bad many of them were not friends, but rather other men he was courting for sexual and emotional attention under the protection of the open relationship we had. Micro-cheating and emotional infidelity abounded during this time.
This is the strange paradox of a narcissistic relationship and why any argument with a narcissistic partner is so maddening and exhausting. The arguments a narcissistic person will make are costumed in victimhood.
I speak the language of sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness a little too well at times. When it was clear the Gay Narcissist had no interest in my opinions and concerns of his rather close and intimate male friends, or how he guarded his phone with maximum-security efficiency, I’d shift my own speech. I’d stop handling the situation rationally and turn diminutive and condescending.
He didn’t care how I felt, and I’d find any opening I could to jab him.
This is a completely dysfunctional and toxic way to carry on a relationship with anyone. But it was the only way I knew how to deal with him at the time.
It Sure Feels Like Cheating
Over the years, the Gay Narcissist had several coworkers who he liked as more than just friends. It was clear what he was up to, since he siloed his relationships and treated groups of people very differently.
He had his female “girlfriends” that he, too, was one of the girls with. What’s interesting about many of these women is how strongly most of them would side with and defend the actions of the Gay Narcissist. They’d even agree with his worst transgressions, and were fast in finding fault in me to cast innocence on him.
But every time the Gay Narcissist had a new male friend, my suspicion always spiked. These men typically were not just friends. He saw something in them that he wanted. And that was almost always their validation in the form of attention, compliments, and flirtation.
I know this because since we technically had an “open relationship,” where was the harm in any of this? Surely if I agreed to opening up to begin with, everything was on the table, right? The Gay Narcissist was not shy about sharing all of these details, either. He often treated me more as a roommate he was gossiping about his conquests with rather than a romantic and intimate partner.
I’d openly accuse him of emotional cheating as the open relationship intensified and the micro-cheating piled up. This was always an accusation that the Gay Narcissist had a strong and visceral reaction to.
It’s not possible to cheat or be unfaithful when you’re open, he’d say.
It sure feels like cheating to me, I’d say back.
Nothing was ever resolved, and in turn, the relationship would rot a little bit more.
As Dr. Ramani Durvasula says in “Don’t You Know Who I Am,” infidelity and micro-cheating look different from person to person. What might be a close friendship to one person could be going too far for another.
And while all cheating does not equal narcissism, infidelity is a cornerstone behavior of the narcissistic personality.
When a narcissistic person engages in any kind of infidelity, it comes from a place of extreme entitlement. Why should the narcissist deny himself this experience with another person? And who dares have the right to tell him he’s acting out of bounds for giving himself what he wants?
Worse, a narcissist engages in infidelity of all kinds because of his lack of empathy. A narcissist cannot be bothered to stop and consider how his actions are impacting another person. It’s simply not his problem. His desires are what matter first and foremost at all times, and anything another person thinks or feels does not register until the damage is done.
Any questioning of this behavior will surely result in an explosion of narcissistic rage and gaslighting.
If I called out any of the Gay Narcissist’s dealings with his Supply Sources in any way, he would be instantly triggered. He’d tell me I was not respecting the open relationship we both agreed to, and that I did not have the right to get my own way all the time. He’d remember every grievance I ever committed (in his eyes) and throw them at me like Molotov Cocktails. I’d become so distracted with defending myself that I’d loose sight of the original problem.
Desperate For Attention
All of this stuff concerning micro-cheating and emotional infidelity really tormented me when the gay narcissistic relationship ended.
Why was it so easy for the Gay Narcissist to act like such a dirtbag when he was with me, but showered the New Supply with all of the adoration I craved from him? It took a long time for me to work through that.
Even today, I don’t suspect the Gay Narcissist had too many sexual affairs. Obviously that’s speculation on my part, and I don’t know how I’d ever bother quantifying it. I don’t even care to. It’s irrelevant at this point.
But what was apparent to me was that he didn’t care much about the sex itself. He cared about the attention other men showed him—gay and straight alike.
I witnessed it for years. He was desperate for as much attention as possible, and his phone was a vital component of that.
So when I was replaced with the New Supply, I truly believed the best version of the Gay Narcissist had emerged.
I assumed that I was not good enough, and all of the micro-cheating and emotional infidelity on the part of the Gay Narcissist was because of my inadequacies. And now that he met “the one” I was all the greater a loser.
How wrong I was.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
