Carmella Soprano’s confrontation with Tony in episode 52 of The Sopranos, “Whitecaps,” left me wishing I had her guts.
“You’ve had quite a time on my watch…”
The line always gives me a good punch whenever I rewatch the scene. And I sure know what she means. She put up with the humiliation of her husband’s philandering for years. Finally, she snapped after a simple—but powerful—phone call that served as the catalyst. And Carmella’s breakdown resulted.
I’m sure most of us have been there in some form.
Cost-Benefit Analysis
I have a complicated history with infidelity.
As I’ve covered extensively, my own Gay Narcissistic Relationship was fraught with a labyrinth of rules, regulations, and exceptions. They were all designed, constructed, and enacted by the Gay Narcissist to his benefit. And if I wanted the relationship to continue, I was expected to comply. A silent “or else…” always hung in the air.
I say my experience with infidelity is complicated because I was in an open relationship.
The Gay Narcissist and I technically agreed upon the arrangement together. But I was never truly comfortable with it. I went along with it to keep the Gay Narcissist happy. I feared he’d leave, otherwise. As it turns outs, that fear had some sharp teeth..
In the years following the end of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, I’ve spoken with several gay men in all kinds of open relationships. And after some brief chitchat via the “casual dating” apps, when guards were let down, it was commonly revealed to me that one person in the relationship wanted the open arrangement, and the other complied.
Not all, mind you. And those men that mutually agreed upon an open arrangement appeared more stable and confidant. This is all anecdotal, of course, but it is still insightful.
When open relationships are coerced out of one partner for the benefit of the other—or flagrant cheating takes place—entitlement and a total lack of empathy are at the root of the issue.
Narcissistic abuse is a slow drip of manipulation and coercion. Suggestions are made. Comments are thrown out. Upset feelings are projected.
When this happens, a narcissistic partner is testing boundaries to see what he or she can get away with. It’s a cost-benefit analysis examining what a narcissist can extract from the partner while putting in as little effort as possible.
Such behavior will always erode a person’s sense of self.
Not If “It” Is Wrong, But How Wrong “It” Is
Narcissistic relationships begin with energy and excitement.
They usually start with love bombing. The idea of a a true “soul mate” becomes a fixation. But then the erosion starts, and the years start to pass with unending devaluation.
As the target of this abuse, you begin questioning your worth in all aspects of your life—your friendships, your work, your hobbies. You name it. You turn a far more critical eye to your appearance. You question every decision you make every minute of every hour of every day.
You do not wonder if it is wrong, whatever “it” is at any given moment.
No, instead you wonder how wrong it is, because it is never right—ever.
A Simple Question Of “Why?”
Well-meaning friends would often ask me a simple question: “why?”
If everything was so bad, then why did I stay in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship for so long? Why did I put up with so much abuse, and how could I allow myself to fade the way I did?
Every relationship has its learning curve.
You have to explore your boundaries of what you want and what you’re willing to let go of. How much compromise are you open to? And just as importantly, how much compromise is your partner willing to take on?
I was a relationship novice when I entered into the Gay Narcissistic Relationship. All I knew was that I was in my late 20s, I deemed myself alone and undesirable, and only a person saying “I love you” would make me feel better.
And guess what?
The Gay Narcissist gave me exactly that. And it turned into a complete nightmare.
He was my “why,” even when his behavior was at it’s most deplorable. But that didn’t matter—I was a hollow person who forgot everything about myself as an individual. It was my sacrifice to make the Gay Narcissistic Relationship work optically.
Is “Codependency” The Answer?
Is codependency a fair term to describe people who fall into the patterns of a narcissistic relationship?
I don’t know, but I used it to describe myself for a long time.
I was desperate to label and diagnose the Gay Narcissist, and I wanted in on the action. “Codependent” was what I decided on.
I picked the term up from The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg.
Rosenberg uses the concept of codependency in his dualistic presentation of the genesis and lifecycle of a narcissistic relationship. The codependent cares for the narcissist, and the narcissist sucks uo all of that care and then demands more.
Most co-dependents are selfless and deferential to the needs and desires of others over themselves. They are pathologically caring, responsible, and sacrificing people who altruism and good deeps are rarely reciprocated.
The big difference Rosenberg sees between codependency and narcissism is the ability to change once recognizing the pattern. In fact, he now refers to the giver (my word, not his) in a narcissistic relationship as “self-love deficient” and suffering from a “Self Love Deficit Disorder.”
That’s all a bit too syrupy and mushy for my taste, much like the overuse of the term “survivor.” But phraseology aside, it does help identify some behavioral patterns of why people sacrifice themselves in these spiraling and maddening relationships.
It helps us understand a little bit more why we stick around, even while our identities are eroded, little by little.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
