The more I work on this blog the more I look over old journal entries I wrote years ago when my gay narcissistic relationship was cracking under the pressure.
I was not aware of it at the time, but there were several indications that my relationship with the Gay Narcissist had reached critical mass. It could sustain no more emotional turbulence. Plainly—I could not tolerate him or his bullshit anymore, though at the time I was still explaining it away and blaming myself.
But my old words are clear.
These journal entries are a time capsule of my psyche from years ago. I see my state of mind. I see the cognitive dissonance and my tireless work to alleviate its discomfort. And I also see lapses of clarity.
Sunday Funday
In my blog post—“Gaslighting And Narcissism | ‘It Wasn’t Any Big Deal’”—I described the fateful weekend when the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply met for the first time at the Retreat. The Retreat was a place the Gay Narcissist and I visited a few weekends each summer.
Because the Gay Narcissist experienced a spike of limerence upon encountering the New Supply that weekend, he immediately began idealizing and love bombing him. My replacement was chosen, but he also knew he needed to keep me in line until he found the right time to discard me permanently. I’ve detailed the two phases of this final narcissistic discard at length in the following two blog posts:
Narcissism & Discard | Luann Van Houten Has Not Been Happy For A Long Time
When You Discover A Narcissist’s Affair With New Supply | A Tale Of Two Discards
But a mere week before that chance encounter, the life of the Gay Narcissist was business as usual.
We were preparing for a weekend visit from another gay couple we were friends with for years. The weekend culminated in a brief bar crawl and rooftop party in the City that Sunday. All social events involving wall-to-wall gay men spiked my insecurity. This meant I needed to fight against my innate sour puss. I already knew the Gay Narcissist would be salivating over all of the fresh meat and supply, so all that was left to do was accept that fact and ignore it as best I could.
I tried my best with positive self-talk. I also made countless promises that, no matter what happened, I would not let my barbed attitude get the better of me and spoil the party. What a dutiful and loyal partner I tried to be, all the while smothering my seething and bubbling resentment.
During all of these rationalizations, I tried not to dwell too much on the behavior of the Gay Narcissist as a catalyst for my behavior. It was mine in the end. Though, I will also say the behavior did not solely exist in a vacuum.
Regardless, I was still living by the mantra that everything was my fault, and I alone could fix it.
When The Abyss Stares Back
At one point during the rooftop party, the Gay Narcissist zeroed in on two men who made their interest in him clear. He returned the attention with long stares and smiles. And I shrunk into the scenery.
The crowd started to break up as early evening arrived. I felt the telltale tremors in my chest signaling my desire to leave before any major drama unfolded. Our friends, too, had their fill and wanted to go.
“But I’m having a good time. I don’t want to leave yet,” the Gay Narcissist said.
“It’s getting late and I have work tomorrow. Besides, it’s thinning out,” I said.
“You always want to leave when I’m having fun,” the Gay Narcissist said.
He was angling for a fight. Any argument, especially in public, was a simple strategy to pull a concession out of me. But not this time. I told him I was leaving, regardless of what he did.
“All right, all right. But I’m going to go say goodbye to those guys first,” the Gay Narcissist said while staring in their direction.
“You do what you want. But I’m not going to hang around here and watch you.”
I no sooner said that and the Gay Narcissist was off. I don’t even know if he heard me. I didn’t care. I turned around and walked down the steps alone. I made my way to the bathroom, and there in the dim lighting I stared at myself in the mirror.
I don’t know how much more of this I can deal with, I said to myself.
Itching For A Fight
After the Gay Narcissist and I said our goodbyes to our friends and went home, I did not ask him what transpired between him and his admirers. He offered little information.
I was quiet the rest of the night. If I said too much, the conversation would exploded into a fight. That’s what the Gay Narcissist wanted, as he was trying to bait me into an argument. But I remained quiet. I never gave in.
As for the journal entries I mentioned at the beginning, I wrote one about the rooftop party the following Monday morning when I was alone at work.
Concerning the time after the party and the Gay Narcissist trying to stir an argument, I wrote:
“I was very quiet the rest of the night, but not in a cunty or bitchy manner. Though he tried to pin that on me, I wouldn’t let him.
I was more sad, really sad… And I know when I am sad over a relationship issue, because I wake up at night and instantly remember the issue and the sadness. This time is weird, and kind of worse, because there was no fight, but just a realization.”
That’s not all. I wrote this in a moment of clarity:
“I also felt the gravity of our relationship.
What it was, what it is now, and the different directions it can go in. And how a lot of it just is, and will be.
There’s less and less control, other than saying I can’t handle it and ending the relationship. And that’s something I don’t want.”
I find it eerie how I reached a point of “radical acceptance” (as Dr. Ramani calls it) in that moment and I captured it in words.
I then ended the journal entry with a bit of prophecy:
“I still have an uneasy feeling about all of this, and I don’t know when or how it will settle down.
[The Retreat] is this weekend, which is why I did everything in my power to keep my feelings under wraps. Because this will surely repeat at [the Retreat].”
I rediscovered this journal entry when I was in therapy, and I read these portions to the Lovely Therapist in disbelief over their accuracy.
You knew something was deeply wrong, she told me.
She was right. I knew something was wrong. But it wasn’t just that something was wrong with the Gay Narcissist or our relationship. Sometimes was wrong with me, too.
I was finally confronting myself.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
