Individuals caught up in narcissistic relationships usually make a dangerous assumption.
It will be different this time.
History will not repeat itself.
The pattern will finally break.
This is why the discard phase of a narcissistic relationship is so rough. Targets of narcissistic abuse get caught on a loop of rumination for a long time—days, weeks, and months. I wish it was otherwise, but you feel every single painful second in the early days of a narcissistic discard.
Narcissistic discard and the installation of new supply is a popular topic on this website, and it’s one I return to frequently. Worry not—I am grateful that the Gay Narcissistic Relationship is over and all I feel for the Gay Narcissist now is indifference. I no longer interact with anyone who knows him, and the whole thing was a clean break. I’m very lucky in that regard.
But I still think about the relationship analytically. What does it mean all these years later, and why did I tolerate the abuse for as long as I did? The whole thing is a lengthy chapter within the greater narrative of how I form and behave in relationships.
But the Final Narcissistic Discard perpetrated by the Gay Narcissist turned into a crucial turning point in my life. The act fundamentally changed how I viewed the Gay Narcissist as a man and how I viewed myself, too.
What was the Final Narcissistic Discard, why did it happen, and why did I deserve it?
The years have brought great clarity on the topic.
The Pattern Of “I”
One thing is clear—the Gay Narcissist was done with me when the Final Narcissistic Discard happened.
After it happens, the mind of the discarded individual is going to explode with questions.
What did I do?
How could I have prevented this?
Did I miss something?
Is there someone new?
What does the new person (the new supply) have that I don’t have?
On and on these questions pop up, spinning and spiraling in your head. Get ready for some self-imposed torture, too, because you’re going to wrack yourself with emotional pain trying to painstakingly answer every single one. It quickly turns into a nonstop cycle of painful and exhausting rumination.
But take a minute and notice the pattern to all of the questions.
What do nearly all of them have in common?
They involve the ego of the questioner. They involve the looming presence of “I” almost entirely.
And when questions about narcissistic discard are asked not involving “I,” they’re obsessively wondering if the the discarder is with someone new and what that person is providing. These questions quickly develop into a pattern of self-blame and obsessive examination.
Breaking The Pattern Of Self-Blame
Meanwhile, other important questions are ignored.
For the sake of clarity and some cheap SEO, I am going to refer to the discarder as the “narcissist” in these questions:
What’s going on with the narcissist?
Why is it so easy for the narcissist to discard me, throwing me out like trash?
How many other times has the narcissist done this?
What’s the story of the other people the narcissist has discard from his or her life?
Why do I believe so strongly that the narcissist will not do this again to someone in the future?
The difference with these questions is they take a lot of the focus off of you, and they’re instead placing it on the narcissist in question.
This is very important because it helps break the pattern of self-blame and instead examines the behavior of the person causing hurt and harm in your life.
The Important Of Observing Behavior
A favorite topic of mine concerning all of this narcissism stuff is what I have dubbed the “Diagnosis Obsession.”
I view the Diagnosis Obsession as something many targets of narcissists experience after falling victim to a narcissistic discard, only to then be replaced by a source of new supply.
I’ll use myself as an example.
After the Final Narcissistic Discard at the hands of my ex-partner, the Gay Narcissist (as I call him in these writings), I was desperately trying to understand what was going on in my life. My online queries led me to all of the narcissism content that inspired me to eventually write my own. But simply reading about narcissism was not enough.
I needed to be absolutely certain that my ex-partner was “a narcissist.”
In my mind, I required total assurance that there was something objectively wrong with the Gay Narcissist that was certifiable. So, I took my obsessive reading about all things narcissism and used it to officially diagnose the Gay Narcissist as “a narcissist.”
Here’s the problem—narcissism is not a diagnosis. It’s not cancer or schizophrenia or diabetes or bipolar disorder.
It’s a descriptive term that explains a person’s overall personality style.
It’s a descriptive term that gives you insight into a person’s character.
It’s a descriptive term that examines a pattern of behavior.
And observing a person’s behavior early on is the best thing you can do for yourself. That’s were all of the warning signs and red flags exist.
Understanding “Disturbed Characters”
One of my favorite psychology books out there is Character Disturbance by Dr. George Simon.
If you want a crash-course on what happens when personalities turn out bad, then look no further than this book.
So there’s no confusion, George Simon describes character disturbance as the following:
Mental health clinicians in all disciplines increasingly find themselves intervening with individuals whose problems are related to their dysfunctional attitudes and thinking patterns; their shallow, self-centered relationships; their moral immaturity and social irresponsibility; and their habitual dysfunctional behavior patterns. All of these stem from an underdeveloped conscience and reflect significant deficiencies or disturbances of character.
He cuts to the importance of observing and guarding yourself against disturbing and dangerous behavior early on in your interactions and budding relationships.
There are several characteristics to look out for, and these very same characteristics also point to why disturbed characters like narcissists have an easy time discarding and moving someone new in.
Some of these include:
— Problematic sense of regard for self and others
— Disregard for the truth
— Responsibility resistance behaviors and manipulation tactics
— Impression management
— Impaired capacity for empath and contrition
— Deficient impulse control
— Failure to suitably profit from experience
These are all behaviors on the part of the disturbed character, the narcissist, the antagonist, the toxic person—whatever you want to call the trouble-making pain in the ass you have in your life.
Learn from my mistakes.
Understand that you always have the right to observe disturbing and uncomfortable behavior, recognize what it is, and way away as quickly as possible and without explanation.
