If I had to pick one of my greatest weaknesses, it would be this:
I’m gullible.
Theoretically, I’m shouldn’t be. I’ve been writing about dysfunctional personalities, toxic relationships, and (yes) narcissism for few years now. I’ve read several books and countless articles on these topics. I’ve analyzed and regurgitated my own personal experiences, and there’s lots of not-great stuff in those stories that were clear warnings.
I should know better.
But there’s a big difference between a guy’s thoughts and his feelings. And when it comes to my feelings, I am a big softy. Even worse, I’m a sucker for a pretty face and some kind words. I’m still easily spellbound when that’s all blended together.
This is how my ex-partner of several years, the Gay Narcissist, won me over.
He was quite seductive.
He knew exactly what to say to charm and quickly lull me into submission. This tactic played on my painfully obvious levels of insecurity. As I reflect upon all of these ingredients that went into the formation of our relationship—the Gay Narcissistic Relationship as I call it—it’s no wonder the whole thing turned out the way it did.
Plot Of Control
I suspect many people find themselves tangled up in narcissistic relationships because of some enthralling words and impressive gestures early on. This is when the plot of control really takes off.
That’s certainly what happened with the Gay Narcissist.
I’m not a person particularly impressed by material objects, so I’m not easily won over by physical gifts. If anything, I don’t want gifts for my own minimalistic reasons. This fact worked out well for the Gay Narcissist. He wasn’t the most financially stable person (and could be quite cheap where I was concerned), and so all he had to offer me was his charming and seductive nature. That’s what I truly wanted.
Early on, the Gay Narcissist told me how I was the one man he was looking for his entire life. He finally felt at peace for finding “the one.” This was followed by weeks and months of intense flattery and syrupy assurances that that I was his “soulmate.” His search was finally at an end.
Fast forward a few years later to when the Gay Narcissist met the man who would replace me and play a key role in the merciful execution of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship. I speak of the New Supply, of course. As it turns out, the Gay Narcissist made an error by declaring me as his soulmate.
Instead, the New Supply was actually the one the Gay Narcissist was searching for his entire life. The New Supply was the true soulmate. The Gay Narcissist had zero doubt. This time he had finally gotten it right.
Narcissistic discard and the installation of new supply is a cornerstone topic among my writings on narcissism, dysfunctional personalities, disturbed characters, and toxic relationships.
My personal experience is why.
Admitting The Scam
Narcissistic discard and the installation of new supply leaves a pit in the stomach of the discarded because we see that which we’ve been trying to recapture for years and years. But we see it showered upon our replacement—not us.
We see the seduction playing out all over again. This is the same seduction we once fell for and believed in.
It’s not an obvious manipulation tactic at first—for that’s all seduction is. We see it as true love, romance, passion, and the magical flowering of a true union. And this is where the devastation reaches its height. Because once a narcissistic relationship ends and a discarded partner sees this play out all over again with someone new… it’s devastating.
In my own particular story, when the Gay Narcissist met the New Supply, I was convinced everything was my fault. If I had tried harder and if I was a better and more perfect person, then I’d still be the soulmate of the Gay Narcissist. But my failure deserved punishment, and the New Supply quickly took my place.
This was the narrative I told myself for nearly a year after the Final Narcissistic Discard.
We don’t start unwinding these narratives of self-abuse until we learn what narcissists, dysfunctional personalities, and disturbed characters look like in everyday life. We don’t start understanding that we were scammed until we take into account the totality of our toxic relationships.
We usually figure this all out upon discovering important descriptive (though non-diagnostic, contrary to common belief) words like narcissism and narcissist and narcissistic relationship. I am using possessive pronouns here because I was very much trapped in the same cycle as everyone else until I started climbing out of my own personal hole once learning about those words and their true meanings.
I’d argue the second phase of all of this is more difficult than the first. Because now that a pattern is recognized and acknowledged, we need to truly accept it for what it is. And admitting we were scammed and manipulated by another person—likely a seductive narcissist who is really laying it on thick—is incredibly difficult.
The Seductive Narcissist
Dr. Joseph Burgo outlines his parameters for what a “Seductive Narcissist” looks like and how he or she behaves in his book, The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists In An All-About-Me Age.
As the title of the book implies, Burgo delineates between average people with irritating levels of entitlement and arrogance, versus someone who is an “Extreme Narcissist” as he calls them. These Extreme Narcissists would be narcissistic individuals who are more or less pathological without officially diagnosing them with a personality disorder.
This book, The Narcissist You Know, is a fantastic read and well worth your time and attention. And if you’re interested in purchasing it, I humbly ask that you do so by clicking here to use my affiliate link. It greatly helps support my independent writing.
One classification of an Extreme Narcissist is the Seductive Narcissist. This is a dysfunctional man or woman who greatly enjoys receiving admiration and attention by first showering it on you and making you feel like no one else exists in the world save you and the Seductive Narcissist.
In The Narcissist You Know, Dr. Joesph Burgo describes one character named Harlan who visited his practice after being compelled to do so by his wife. Harlan was caught having an affair with the neighbor, and his entire (suppoedly idyllic) life was on the verge of crashing and burning.
Yet, as Burgo describes him, Harlan didn’t much care.
This individual was “done” with his wife, and the woman Harlan was having an affair with was just a play thing until he figured out his next move.
Then the Harlan character went on to describe his methods to Burgo:
“I can seduce anyone,” he told me [Dr. Joseph Burgo] with obvious pride, going on to explain his methods. It all boiled down to one simple rule: make them feel good about themselves. Listen closely and maintain eye contact, ask lots of questions, behave as if you’re truly fascinated by what they have to say.
As mentioned before, the Seductive Narcissist obtains his or her supply by making others feel good about themselves first. The reward upon investment is mighty indeed. I speak from experience on this one; I’ve given up this reward all too easily in the past.
It’s all about charisma, as Burgo continues to explain:
[Seductive Narcissists] intuitively understand, or have learned over time, what makes other people “tick,” and they use that knowledge to manipulate them. Boosting self-esteem is their particular metier.
Most of us wish to feel that we’re fascinating people, worthy of attention and interest. Most of us enjoy it when another person enters into our feelings and validates them.
Of course we do.
In granting our wish, the Seductive Narcissist invites us to join with him in a mutual admiration society. He holds us with his fascinated gaze, compelling us to return the admiration.
But that’s the problem.
It’s not real.
It’s a ploy to get something out of you, and if you don’t take it slow to measure someone’s genuine interest over a span of time, then you’ll fall into this trap.
Seductive Narcissists run out of patience fast when pursuing a target.
But authentic people are willing to take their time right along with you.
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