The word “narcissism” had an edge to it when I first learned about it. It seemed harsh.
I believed applying the word “narcissism” to my years-long relationship was an unforgiving condemnation and a medical diagnosis I had no right to make.
But the more I tried to understand my circumstances and what has happening, the word turned into a one-size-fits-all description for everything happening in my life at the time.
I was unceremoniously discarded—check. I was replaced with whiplash speed with a new “soul mate”—check. I was left desperately trying to figure out what happened while my ex moved on in his life without a care in the world—check.
I stopped fighting it. Narcissism fit the description of my circumstances, so I ran with it.
Psychology Story Hour
At the end of every day, the Gay Narcissist and I would retire to our separate bedrooms. But we would engage in very different activities once settled into our separate corners.
He’d sit on video calls with the New Supply, mumbling and giggling in a muffled voice from across the hall. Light would shine from underneath his closed door and intrude into my space.
This disturbed and taunted me every night. I began treating my bedroom like a tomb and my bed like a sarcophagus, and I’d bury myself alive underneath blanket after blanket. There I’d blame myself and obsess over what I could have done differently.
But that was before a certain word lodged itself in my mind.
Narcissism.
Instead of just blaming myself for all of the sins of the past between the Gay Narcissist and I, I peppered this favorite pastime of mine with a psychology story hour of sorts. First it was blogs, but soon I graduated to books on the subject of narcissism and narcissistic relationships.
The Human Magnet Syndrome
The first title on my reading list was Ross Rosenberg’s The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap.
It was eyeopening to say the least.
Like many popular psychology books, it’s written for the layman while not shying away from packing itself with valuable information for figuring out your problems. This book also puts its author under the microscope, and Ross Rosenberg is not shy about slipping into memoir when discussing his personal experiences with narcissistic relationships.
The book is somewhat dense, but all of its information is valuable. Rosenberg is known for describing a narcissistic relationship as a whirling and seemingly unending “dance.”
But it’s chapter four that I obsessed over—“Why We Continue to Fail Chemistry And Math.”
Relational Chemistry
We’ve all heard it and we’ve all probably used it.
Chemistry.
I certainly know I have used the word “chemistry” to describe how I felt about the Gay Narcissist. On many occasions I’ve said that we had strong chemistry. That wasn’t a lie. We certainly did have very strong chemistry. Little did I know that our chemistry should have warned me to run far away
Allow me to butcher this into my own layman paraphrasing:
“Relational chemistry” is when we meet people who make us feel “safe” because the individual gives us a “familiar” feeling.
We all know this feeling. Sparks, the butterflies in the stomach, the strong physical and sexual attraction—when we really like someone, and we feel that strong relational chemistry, it’s incredibly hard to resist.
Ross Rosenberg believes that the relational chemistry and attraction between a “codependent” and a narcissist is one of the strongest there is.
While we are on the topic, a codependent person is more or less the opposite of a narcissist. It is someone not seeking supply from a group of people, but from one person. A codependent is the wounded, quiet, shy, and reserved side in the narcissistic relationship. They want to fix, cure, and maintain the narcissistic relationship.
The codependent also wants, desperately, to control the relationship to make sure everything is all right all of the time. When things are not, he or she will panic and potentially (likely) become resentful. But he will always try to fix and cure it to make it better. Where the narcissist gives little importance to the depth and intricacies to the relationship—he can’t be bothered and doesn’t care—a co-dependent will become lost in them and drown in them. He will forget about himself and put his personal life second.
When a narcissist and a codependent are attracted to one another, it’s two broken pieces coming together to form one toxic whole.
The narcissist will take all that the codependent is offering, while giving little to nothing in return. The codependent will continue to sacrifice and martyr himself, while being poisoned by his own resentment along with the emotional abuse of the narcissist.
It’s an exhausting and infuriating cycle, and one I threw myself into for years.
“I Keep Them As A Warning”
And then we have the word limerence, yet again.
Ross Rosenberg is the only mental health professional I’ve discovered who draws a direct link between chemistry, limerence, and the intense power it has in a narcissistic relationship.
The section in his book that describes this is called “Chemistry Creates ‘Limerence,’” and reading this section was the first action I took to truly break the spell of my self-pity and disillusionment since the narcissistic discard.
Rosenberg describes the intense obsessive feelings you have for the narcissist when you first meet him. When you are in the presence of each other you’re locked together in a powerful ritual of praise and attraction. And when you are apart, every thought you have it consumed with the need to be with your other half.
It’s all love bombing.
It happened to me, years ago, when I first met the Gay Narcissist. So obsessed was I with him that in the initial weeks of our meeting, I took screenshots of some of the most loving and romantic things he ever said to me, and I kept them throughout the relationship.
At first they were keepsakes of the great meaning our relationship held. But I’d revisit them as the years would pass and things rotted more and more. I’d always wonder what happened, what I did wrong, and what I could do to fix the relationship.
I still have the text messages, to this day, but I do not keep them out of romance or longing.
I keep them as a warning.
And at the time of the narcissistic discard, I was watching it all happen again, before my eyes. I was still trapped in the dance with the Gay Narcissist by living with him and allowing him to re-traumatize me with his actions.
I don’t know how many times I read this section in the The Human Magnet Syndrome, but it was a lot. Over and over I’d read it, nightly.
It was all in an effort to remind myself that what I was seeing and experiencing was not what it appeared to be. It was an illusion.
And each time I read the section, I believed it a little bit more.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
