In the weeks following my narcissistic discard and subsequent replacement with the New Supply, the Gay Narcissist started speaking far more freely about his thoughts and feelings about the end of our relationship.
And I started paying closer attention to what he was saying.
As mentioned before, the Gay Narcissist and I had many discussions after I was discarded and my replacement was installed. Remember, we were still living together, and the routines our cohabitation didn’t change all that much.
Sometimes I initiated these talks, and other times he did.
One night, the Gay Narcissist asked what I was telling some of “our friends” about the breakup. There was frustration in his face. He admonished me for bringing up our personal business to any of our shared friends at all. Even though we were no longer a couple, he felt very comfortable in dictating what I was allowed to say and to whom I was allowed to say it. He needed to maintain his image, after all, and it served him no good having me run my mouth sharing my side of the story to anyone within his orbit.
I told him I was allowed to have my own feelings and talk to the people I wanted to talk to regardless of how it made him look. This irritated him.
“Well, that’s fine,” the Gay Narcissist said. “Less people for me to worry about.” I could tell he meant what he said. He was in a discarding mood, after all.
Despite my being the one dumped and having a new relationship flouted in front of my face, the Gay Narcissist wasn’t shy about airing out all of the grievances he still had.
“When I’m with [the New Supply], I’m OK,” he said. “When he’s around, everything is calm.” The Gay Narcissist then began smiling and laughed to himself.
“I can’t believe you. I can’t believe how insensitive you are, how you can smile and laugh about someone you dumped me for—right in front of me,” I said.
“I’m sorry, I can’t help it,” the Gay Narcissist said. “And why shouldn’t I? I’m happy! Why can’t I finally be happy?”
Onto The Next
That was it, wasn’t it?
The Gay Narcissist found a human salve to ease the incredible amount of insecurity rotting his interior. And when that salve was called into question by anyone, it triggered rage.
Misery and sadness, reflecting on the past, “mourning” a relationship. The Gay Narcissist declared to me that he was tired of all of this psychobabble. He was hateful toward his therapist for telling him he’s not taking the proper time to reflect on what happened between the two of us and process his behaviors and actions.
“What’s to mourn?” the Gay Narcissist said. He claimed he didn’t understand what “mourning” even meant. When something is over, it’s over. You can’t let it stop you from moving on to something else that makes you happy.
“Passion” was an obsession of the Gay Narcissist. He told me that the passion died in our relationship, and when the passion is gone the relationship is over for him. He cannot stick around.
He’s onto the next person.
Irrational Emotions
Bedtime in our house, even during the Post-Discard Days, was an oddity.
Even though we were essentially roommates at this time, the Gay Narcissist would still insist on going to his room exactly when I was done for the day and went to mine.
But we both did very different things when we retired to our respective rooms.
I’d huddle in my bed and cocoon myself under a pile of blankets. And in the blackness of the pod I created, I would allow my mind to race and run rampant. Anything I wanted to think about I’d allow. None of it was ever good.
This night I was obsessed with “passion” and how the Gay Narcissist said it was exsanguinated from our relationship like the cut throat of a barnyard animal.
The Gay Narcissist, meanwhile, wasn’t wallowing in his room like I was in mine. He sat in bed nightly, without fail, on a video call with the New Supply.
For years, I slept with a fan on for white noise. And during this time, it was an important tool in drowning out the thought of the Gay Narcissist sitting in the room across the hall having a “passionate” conversation with my replacement.
But in my weaker moments, I’d loose my composure.
I’d bolt out of bed and turn the fan off. And there I’d stand still and silent, trying pick up even the faintest noise from the other room. I wanted to slip my way into the life of the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply. There was no logic to this. It was driven by irrational emotions.
I almost never heard anything. Rarely I’d catch a mumble or a faint chuckle if I listened carefully enough. But even that was enough to fill me with a cold dread.
Defeated, I’d return to my bed and cocoon myself once more, waiting for the thoughts to stop and sleep to visit me.
But always, as a final reminder, after I turned out my bedside lamp and the room went dark, I’d see a faint glow of light under my door from the Gay Narcissist’s room.
All I wanted to do was sleep and forget. All the Gay Narcissist wanted to do was remain awake and bask in the attention of the New Supply.
Limerence
It took some time for me to be comfortable with the word “narcissist.” It was too strong a word to describe my ex and the relationship we shared. It was too much of a scarlet letter for me to brand someone with, especially when I cared so much for him at one time.
But the word started appearing more and more as I continuously searched for an understanding of my situation. I first read it while voraciously consuming the content of Natasha Adamo.
But when I focused in on the question of how someone can replace a partner so quickly, so easily, and invest so much energy into that new person… the word was unavoidable.
I was constantly making excuses for the Gay Narcissist. A favorite of mine at the time was that he was experiencing a “crisis” and he was a “love addict.” He needed to find the “passion” that I failed to provide him. How grotesque it all was.
Around the time that the relationship was crumbling and I was lost in the immediate shock of what was happening, a friend of mine—I will call him the Friendly Scientist for his impressive academic background in the natural sciences and his gregarious nature—told me about the concept of “limerence.”
It was a great word for me to run with at the time. But it was not the only one.
The other word appeared far, far more than limerence ever did.
Narcissism.
Soon, it was unavoidable.
* * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
