“Well, I guess that’s another one for the collection…”
Those words passed the lips of the Gay Narcissist as I watched him rummage through a small chest of keepsakes. He pulled out a small pouch and lightly shook free its contents. A small collection of rings tumbled onto his bed; there were three or four if memory serves.
As I’ve written about before, for months after I was discarded and replaced by the New Supply, the Gay Narcissist and I continued to cohabitate with one another. Sure, the Final Narcissistic Discard was awful and the Post-Discard Days were stressful and dizzying. But the arrangement appeared to be my only option at the time.
Regardless, the newfound “roommate” situation between the Gay Narcissist and I turned into a strange hybrid relationship. Within it, the Gay Narcissist essentially had two boyfriends.
He had the New Supply, whom he showered with attention, experiences, and gifts. And then he had me, the always dependable and available Mr. Reliable, whom he had familiarity and history with. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I remained emotionally available to him despite his behavior.
So, within this framework, there I stood, talking with the Gay Narcissist as he presented me with his trophies of boyfriends past. He made his “collection” comment with a slight chuckle. And then he took the ring he once wore in our relationship and dropped it into the pouch as he gathered up the others, along with all of the hollow promises he ever made with them.
I remember how awestruck I felt by the darkness of the scene. But I managed to remain emotionally neutral and not reveal myself. For this incident was one more piece of evidence of just how much I needed to shake myself awake and plan my exit strategy.
Did I feel pathetic for allowing all of the oddness to go on? Yes.
Did I utterly loathe my continued relationship of familiarity with the Gay Narcissist during the week, only to watch him dash away on weekends to his see his new and true soul mate, the New Supply? Yes.
Did I have a choice to not behave like this, and to let him finally have it in a grand explosion of rageful honesty? Yes.
But did I feel like I had a choice to behave any other way? No, absolutely not.
Thankfully, time was on my side. My cohabitation with the Gay Narcissist had an expiration date. Our shared lease ended in the early spring of that year, and then the Gay Narcissist and I would go our separate ways.
Then I’d be free.
Fake Futures And Bitter-Sweet Feelings
Did I want to be free from my “relationship” with the Gay Narcissist?
No, not at the time.
But as time passed, the initial brain fog that settled over my entire cognitive existence during the Post-Discard Days was finally clearing. Don’t misunderstand me here. I was still plenty miserable. But I was at least beginning to get it and understand that, whether I liked it or not, the Gay Narcissist’s time in my life was nearly up, and that was a good thing, even if it didn’t feel that way.
All of the empty and trite promises he made me over the years, great and small, would soon be wiped clean.
The future faking would end.
Anyone who has been in a narcissistic relationship is all too familiar with what future faking feels like. The countless promises are believable in the beginning, but they almost never come to fruition. And if they do, it’s never what you imagined—rather, there’s always a transactional chill accompanying a rare fulfilled promise.
You’ll eventually start to wise up. Sure, the hope is still there. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula says time and again, hope and fear are the glue holding narcissistic relationships together.
But eventually, even your hope that the promises are real will start to deaden.
But, Is It All Bullshit?
Usually, the consensus on future faking is bleak.
It’s assumed that a narcissistic individual is well aware he’s making empty promises and future faking his way through a relationship. It is just another tool of manipulation to keep someone under control.
Personally, I believe that’s largely true. But it’s important to take into consideration the different phases of a narcissistic relationship and when the future faking is taking place.
The three phases of a narcissistic relationship are idealization, devaluation, and discard. These phases can happen multiple times within one lifecycle of a narcissistic relationship, though it’s apparent to me that you’ll only ever experience one true wave of love bombing. And it’s that original love bombing you’ll continually chase until the narcissist’s hold is finally broken.
The reason why this “true wave” of love bombing is never replicated is because narcissists are prone to limerence, which I’ve written about in the past. Dr. Ross Rosenberg expertly addresses this issue in the fourth chapter of his book, The Human Magnet Syndrome. It’s a must-read book for anyone interested in learning more about narcissistic relationships.
Since narcissists are so easily bored, they’re forever chasing new and novel sensations. And there’s nothing like the initial spark of romantic passion. This is one of the purest forms of narcissistic supply, because the hope and promise of a new and perfect partner in the eyes of a narcissist is absolute—if fleeting.
It’s possible that some of the promises made during the idealization phase, when the love bombing is fresh, are not entirely empty tactics and ploys. A narcissist making them could very well mean what he or she is saying in the moment.
No, that doesn’t mean the promises will ever be acted upon. True commitment and the promises that grow from it exist only in the garden of time.
And narcissists don’t have the patience to tread there.
The devaluation and discard phases will commence long before a true promise of the future is enacted upon. The pedestal will wobble and you will fall. That which made you desirable now makes you loathsome. The vacillation of the narcissist’s shallow emotional world has begun, and you’re the target of all the resulting discomfort.
Sure, some material promises might be acted upon—gifts, trips, whatever—but that’s shallow and superficial. And hopefully the price tag of any fulfilled material promise is not too steep, for the day may come when you are called upon to pay the debt.
What Does ‘New Supply’ Have To Do With This?
A core theme of my writing on the narcissism topic is that of the “new supply.”
I was obsessed with the New Supply of the Gay Narcissist for far too long. Replacement partners generally consume the attention of the discarded. A great fear is the new partner will receive the better version—perhaps the best—of the narcissist from your past.
That’s the self-flagellation that targets of narcissistic abuse almost always struggle with.
But from time to time your mind will clear and your vision will focus. Don’t waste these moments. Pay attention. Watch the master at work. Because I have no doubt the future faking is real. Don’t be deceived by the fresh and passionate love bombing directed at a new source of narcissistic supply.
Sometimes there will be a material gain. But narcissistic people typically have little respect for money and finances when they’re targeting a source of new supply. They’re going to spend whatever they must to get what they want.
But Apple Pay is easy. Building a genuine relationship is hard. And narcissists don’t do hard.
A Graveyard Of Promises
After seeing the Gay Narcissist lord over his collection of rings, I needed no more proof that he was just a malignant practitioner of future faking.
That pouch of rings was his small graveyard of promises, and he took it with him as he moved from relationship to relationship. Does he still have his keepsakes? It’s a safe assumption he does.
For what it’s worth, I still have my ring too.
I keep it as I reminder of a promise I made to myself, free of future faking.
The promise was to never let the Gay Narcissist ever happen again.
I only have one ring.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
