It’s my belief that the early days of limerence plays a vital role in the longevity of a narcissistic relationship.
The beginning of a dysfunctional and unsustainable relationship is marked with a honeymoon phase like no other. It’s when both participants like each other a lot, proclamations of everlasting desire and devotion are made, and one’s thoughts are consumed with love—the perfect idealized love. Epic fantasies of romance are woven in the imagination. Everlasting stories of passion are told.
But it never lasts.
And if this is a narcissistic relationship, then the narcissist’s interest is going to cool—very fast. A narcissistic person typically places a new partner on a pedestal. The more perfect and grand the new partner, then the more of a reflection that is of the narcissist.
I certainly know this was the situation in my own Gay Narcissistic Relationship with my ex-partner, the one I call the Gay Narcissist for the purpose of anonymity, getting my point across, and some cheap keyword placement.
The beginning of this relationship was incredible. No one existed in the world of the Gay Narcissist except for me. I was the one he was searching for his entire life. He viewed me as a smart, successful, intelligent, interesting and (most importantly) physically attractive person—the most he ever met.
I was perfect in his eyes. Until I wasn’t anymore.
Idealization, Love Bombing, And Limerence
One of the first writings I ever churned out on all of the narcissism stuff was a nod to work of Ross Rosenberg and the emotional tug-of-war battles that happen between narcissists and their codependent counterparts. And a revelation in his writing was the very real, raw, and genuine feelings going on between a narcissist and the object of his or her affection.
In that original post, Inside The Narcissist’s Head During Love Bombing And Limerence | Ross Rosenberg Explains, I wrote the following:
Rosenberg posits that both codependents and pathological narcissists are combatting internal shame and a gnawing fear of loneliness (the codependent has awareness of this, whereas the pathological narcissist does not), and because these psychological opposites ignite each other’s relationship template so dramatically, a fast and intense relationship forms.
This isn’t about romantic interest—its all about unabashed infatuation, red flags be damned. And beware of whiplash from the sheer speed at which these relationships take off.
I continued in a section titled “Love And Limerence” with the following:
The all-important concept of limerence was pioneered by American psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence.
Limerence is the intangible force that animates a narcissistic relationship in its early days. It causes obsessive thoughts, feelings of unbridled passion, and an addictive need for reciprocation. In Rosenberg’s own words: “chemistry is where opposite attraction begins, and limerence is where it blows up into a fireworks display.”
The initial love-obsessed—or limerent—phase of a standard passionate relationship lines up a little too well with what the idealization/love-bombing phase of a narcissistic relationship looks like. That’s because the narcissist (and the unfortunate love-bombed man or woman) are in the early days of limerence.
All of these intense feelings are made possible by a deluge of dopamine and norepinephrine flooding the brain. And to make matters more intensely worse, serotonin levels drop. This kind of imbalanced brain chemistry can cause thoughts and actions akin to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, according to Rosenberg.
It still makes me uneasy how accurate all of that information is.
After The Tank Runs Empty
But what do we actually do with these feelings?
The initial phase of a narcissistic relationship, marked with all of its idealization and love bombing, is fueled by a narcissist’s excitement and grandiose belief that he or she has found the perfect partner—and said partner will be the ultimate compliment to his or her life.
But this will always fade for a narcissistic person because his or her emotions are shallow and superficial. Boredom and resentment will set in when passion settles down and day-to-day routines emerge. The limerence empowering a narcissist is the gas that’s fueling the idealization and love bombing. And when that tank runs empty, a narcissist will need fresh and novel excitement from a new source of narcissistic supply.
Speaking from my own experience in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, I noticed the Gay Narcissist’s enthusiasm running low about four to six months into the relationship. And long before that, I caught brief glimpses here and there of his true character whenever his mask slipped.
These “mask slips” started happening a mere couple of weeks after meeting. I explained it all away, of course, and I ignored my very real and very early internal sirens that I should cut my losses, end the whole thing, and move on.
And that’s the real dilemma.
We know as targets of narcissistic, dysfunctional, antagonistic, and toxic people when a person’s behavior is nothing but trouble. But we just can’t get up, walk away, and let go early enough. We want to rescue someone we tell ourselves is in need. We want to fix a person we believe has true potential beyond his or her lousy character. We want to see how many times we can get burned before enough is enough, even if we don’t consciously believe this.
But it never works and it always hurts.
Embarrassing Insecurity
Here’s a spoiler warning about my life story.
I am deeply insecure about my physical appearance. And it’s set me up to make terrible decisions concerning my romantic relationships time and again.
It’s a topic I haven’t talked about much in my writings on narcissism and narcissistic relationships. But I’ve hinted around the edges. Honestly, it’s embarrassing. But, since I’m gay and my perspective on this topic is shaped by this particular insecurity, a lot of baggage comes with it.
And the world of gay men is very tough on guys who are less-than-perfect looking. There’s a lot of shame for gay men who aren’t chiseled, who don’t have a sharp jaw, who don’t have seductive bedroom eyes—you name it. Ironically, even the men who do have all of this and more (whatever the “it” really is) still feel deeply insecure. It’s never enough to feel worthy of true affection.
I reference Dr. Allen Downs and his incredible book, The Velvet Rage, plenty, and it’s because no work of authorship really quite captures the experience of deep insecurity and toxic shame among gay men like that book.
From my own experience and observations, a consistent dynamic appears in relationships between gay men and heterosexual men and women alike.
There’s the chaser and the chased. There’s the fixer and the wrecker. There’s the seduced and the seducer. There’s the narcissist and the admirer.
Remember how I mentioned at the beginning of this post that the Gay Narcissist told me early and often he found me to be his ideal man physically? I said that was a very important point to remember.
Hearing those words from the Gay Narcissist was a drug to me because I was receiving my own external validation from someone I found very physically and interpersonally attractive. The Gay Narcissist was so handsome and charming and masculine early on, and those were all qualities I over-valued in him, while explaining away his temper, his contempt, his victimization, his financial immaturity, his wandering eye, and his blowhard declarations.
When the limerence of our initial union faded, the idealization and love bombing the Gay Narcissist initially showered me with followed it into oblivion. Soon enough, he started mentioning the possibility of us opening up our relationship. And it’s well documented how that turned into a gut-wrenching experience that led to my own Final Narcissistic Discard and my replacement with the New Supply.
It was with the New Supply that the Gay Narcissist found a fresh source of attention and validation to fill his psychological gas tank with feelings of passion and limerence once more. Meanwhile, all I wanted was to reinvigorate the passion and limerence we once shared.
But that proved impossible.
When It’s Time To Let Go
I’ve stumbled plenty in the years following the end of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship and my termination of contact with the Gay Narcissist.
I’ve met plenty of guys who’ve preyed upon weaknesses I haven’t fully dealt with. I’m still a sucker for compliments, and can take them far too seriously and let them carry way too much weight.
But I’m getting better.
I’m not dwelling on people as much as I once did, and I’m able to say enough is enough quicker when someone starts burning me. I’m giving out fewer chances than I once did. I need to learn to give out fewer still; it’s something to work toward.
And I’m trying to be less blinded by men I find physically attractive, and therefore “better” than me. I fully admit that my greatest character flaw is my own shallowness. I seek to validate myself through the attention of men I deem “better looking” than me, and therefore just better.
The only way to do this for me to have an honest conversation with myself.
If I want to be better, then I actually have to work at being better.
But most importantly, I need to accept the foundational person I am working with. Because when the Gay Narcissistic Relationship crashed and burned, I believed I was worth less than dirt. Hell, I even seriously considered suicide, so much so I was afraid to talk about it with the Lovely Therapist, else I’d be carted away in a straightjacket.
It’s not the easy way and it’s not the exciting way. But from my life experience, it’s really the only way to let go of baggage and move on with your life.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
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The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
2 Comments
Steven, thank you for sharing this. As a woman who experienced my first, EVERYTHING, at 27 back in ’17 with someone I now know is a narcissist-the vulnerability to speak on the same exact road map we all seem to have shared is so incredibly gut-wrenching to read. It never gets easy, the emotions flood back in, placing you right when/where/how the gut-wrenching, now core memory impacted you. There’s something, so shame filled in me for having this person in my life for almost 3 years, it’s mortifying knowing I often still cry about it, and it’s frustrating to STILL after all these years I find myself wandering in a deep state of daydreams idealizing and rewriting him to be someone that finally loved me back, even for a little, even for a fraction of a second that I begged for, for those continuous 3 years. The cold, hard loneliness from having been so deeply impacted always has me both thankful and a bit jealous of others, that I can’t have anyone to speak to regarding this, while I did go to therapy & found immense healing it unfortunately floods back to me from time to time. It’s those anniversaries, the dreams or random places that remind me of that time a little too realistically that shove me right back to where I’m at right now. I hate to say it was comfort reading your story, it’s a shame that I said “yep- that’s when he…” throughout your writing. But it made me feel just a little less alone and a reminder that so many of us are actively surviving this type of heartbreak. I think it’s clear-this long comment and me now welting tears- it’s been a rough week. I found a few more leaks of where this is heavily still impacting me, pouring uncontrollably again. So, all this to say- I send you a long warm hug where ever you are. I hope you have ‘a good day’ where the trauma doesn’t interfere and a night where this person doesn’t dare give hints of themselves. With so much love….Kim.
Wow, thank you, Kim. Thank you for taking the time to real and following up with me. I’m always glad when people reach out and tell me they find a little bit of solace in my words. It’s one of the reasons why I do it. I can tell you that I was in my relationship for about 5.5 years, and I will be out-out for 6 in March 2025. It doesn’t haunt me anymore. There are many reasons for that. One is because of all this: writing it out like this is an amazing way to process it. Another is self-education. Maybe the most important is finding something I find important to work on (and toward) that’s bigger than me or any relationship. We instill a lot of the power into these relationships, Kim. And it speaks to what we can do when they throw them away for good and work toward something worthwhile — something that is not a soul-sucking man or woman.