I started wearing a lot of black within the first year of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship taking off. And no, I wasn’t mourning the death of my naiveté.
I was getting fat. Really fat.
Love pounds are one thing, but I was blowing up like a balloon—fast. Now, keep in mind that I’ve had a contentious relationship with my weight my entire life, and it’s still the single issue causing most of my insecurity. But that’s a story for another day.
Back to the black clothes: I rapidly outgrew my closet of plaid button-downs and decided to replace them with black V-neck after black V-neck until that’s all I wore. It’s said black is slimming, but it did jack-all to hide what was going on with me. Still, I did it.
Then a funny thing happened.
I quite liked the simplicity of wearing the same thing everyday. Gone were the days of planning my wardrobe. I felt good in what I had on. I no longer worried about “using up” my favorite look post-laundry.
And it saved money. It saved a lot of money. Instead of trying to diversify my look by dumping cash on new clothes in the hopes of an image boost, I settled on that which I liked and felt good in.
I embraced this minimalistic style choice for years without question. But then the Gay Narcissistic Relationship died and the Gay Narcissist moved on to the New Supply. And with it I wondered if I should shake things up image-wise. After all, I lost nearly 50 pounds after the breakup, so why not embrace the “new me” with some new clothes?
But the furtherest I went was trading in the V-neck for a more masculine crew neck. Aside from that, everything else pretty much stayed the same.
I liked wearing black, I liked the money it saves me, and I liked how it opened me up to leading a more minimalistic lifestyle after moving on from the Gay Narcissist.
Blowing Money On Stupid Shit
I’ve always valued saving money and spending conscientiously, even when I was a kid.
That value was in stark contrast with the Gay Narcissist, and led to many of the most heated disagreements, arguments, and fights between us. The Gay Narcissist had a very cavalier attitude toward spending. He pissed money away to feel better, to impress others, and to try and elevate his status with material goods.
It’s my opinion that financial abuse is one of the worst offenses committed by dysfunctional personalities and disturbed characters in romantic and intimate relationships. This kind of abuse can leave a legacy of struggle and hardship to recover from—if real recovery is possible at all.
When the Gay Narcissist discarded me for good, I went on financial lockdown. And, honestly, it was one of the first times I started to feel like myself again,
I was back in total control of my finances, and it felt good. And I was very lucky for this, because we were not married, nor did we share property.
I was back to spending what I wanted when I wanted to, and not spending when I did not want to.
It’s gross to admit, but I allowed the Gay Narcissist to treat me like his personal bank when he wanted to blow money on stupid shit. And I often had be the adult and deny his requests. Oh, he’d huff and he’d puff, but oftentimes I would not budge. And when he dared ask me why I was not freely loaning him money, I’d fess up to the dark truth.
I didn’t trust that he’d stick around. I was genuinely afraid he’d up and leave me to fend for myself, and I needed a safety net to protect myself.
He reassured me over and over again that would never happen—until it did. Again, it’s proof of just how important it is to pay attention to someone’s actions far more than their words.
Talk really is cheap.
Subjective Minimalism
I have not been in a serious relationship in the years since the Gay Narcissist split.
There’s a few reasons for that, but the primary one is choice. I don’t want to be in one.
I’ve been enjoying the freedom to lead a quiet and simple life. And, importantly, spend money on exactly what I want to spend money on and to not spend money one what I do not want to spend it on. There’s no compromise, and there’s not gritting my teeth over what new materialistic crap might be introduced into my space.
Yes, I know. Not everyone is like the Gay Narcissist, and a real and true healthy relationship will involve consideration from another man who will listen to me. But I can’t really be bothered looking for someone like that when I have too much other stuff to do.
Because I’ve undertaken something of a minimalistic lifestyle as a rebuttal to the materialistic indulgence that went on while I was in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship. It started with my simple wardrobe (which is still active). I but I actively monitor subscriptions, I avoid clutter, and I challenge myself whenever I want to buy something new—cheap or expensive. And this also extends into my social life, since I don’t overindulge in anything exhausting or tedious.
Minimalism is subjective. I’ve had friends comment on how austere a life I lead, while others see my as indulgent (stopping by the barber every two weeks, for example).
But it works for me.
“Envious And Covetous”
I wondered for awhile how to source this hodgepodge writeup with some secondary research.
But then I remembered an incredible section from a favorite book of mine—The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World by Dr. Alan Downs.
I cannot recommend this book enough, and I encourage everyone (especially if you’re gay or have gay friends) to use this affiliate link to buy and read it. Gestures like this really help support my work.
Anyway, one of the topics Alan Downs talks about in his work is that of process addiction and how gay men fall prey to it when struggling with dysfunction in their lives due to unaddressed shame. Sex and love addiction are two huge culprits, but so is shopping addiction.
In The Velvet Rage, Downs touches upon the character of Sergio, who created the illusion of wealth and decadence while barely having anything in his bank account. Sergio and his partner rented their San Francisco apartment on the cheap, and many of the things they owned were picked up at deep discount through Sergio’s connections.
It was all an illusion.
In the words of Dr. Alan Downs from The Velvet Rage:
Sergio is addicted to shopping.
Whenever he needs to change his mood, he shops. While he doesn’t acknowledge his shopping as a problem, it doesn’t take much analysis to see that he and his lover have paid a high price for his addiction.
After years of such behavior, their lives are driven by the need to buy and pay for what Sergio has already purchased. They have become slaves to his endless hunger to shop.
Likewise, Dr. Ramani Durvasula touches upon how greed and the quest for status through wealth and possession can drive narcissists insane.
In Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist, Dr. Ramani offers a checklist of different characteristics to watch out for when you’re dating someone throwing red flags.
Again, please consider buying the book using this affiliate link to support my work.
One of the items on her narcissism inventory checklist is jealousy. It can quickly show off the covetous nature of narcissists.
As Dr. Ramani writes in Should I Stay Or Should I Go:
Because [narcissists]always measure themselves by other people, they also measure themselves against other people.
They are chronically reliant on the opinions of others to form their own sense of self and are always comparing themselves, their status, their possessions, and their lives to other people to determine their sense of worth and self-esteem…
Jealousy… takes many… forms, including jealousy of a coworker who receives a better office or promotion, a friend who gets a new car or a great new house, or a sibling who buys a summer house.
The jealousy can consume them and leads them to feel worse about themselves, so they seek validation to offset these bad feelings, which can often get them into trouble and be hurtful to their partner (for example, spending money they don’t have or cheating).
Narcissists tend to be envious and covetous, like a jealous child who wants the toys other people have and measures themselves and others by these toys.
This quoted section really poked at my own experience, as wasteful and indulgent spending was a paramount experience of mine in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship.
It’s also an excellent example of why I’m protective of my finances, and why I reject materialism in favor of a simple and more minimalistic lifestyle.
