It was a memorable night, to say the least.
The Gay Narcissist and I were finishing up an episode of The Simpsons when I was discarded. Funny enough, “A Milhouse Divided” was the specific episode playing. In it, Milhouse’s mother, Luann Van Houten, announced her plans to divorce her husband, Kirk, at Marge’s dinner party.
It was a prophetic viewing. It was also a quiet and tense one. The sound of the television was the only thing that cut through the stillness between the two of us. And, when the episode was over, the Gay Narcissist picked up the remote, turned off the television, and adjust himself in his seat.
“Are you happy?” he asked me.
“Yes,” I said. But my voice betrayed me with its quivering.
“Well, I haven’t been happy for a long time,” he said in a low tone.
And with those words, the moment had come.
It was a moment I sensed was ever-impending but still illusive enough that I did not know when it would actually happen. And since I didn’t know when it would happen, I could hope and pretend it was all a dark figment of my imagination, and I could will it away if I tried hard enough.
But I could not deny reality any longer. The relationship had reached its end, and it was the Gay Narcissist who was putting it out of its misery.
The conversation was, oddly enough, constructive. There were many tears between the two of us. He even held my hand for time. There was no fighting. There were no accusations. And it was all very simple. The Gay Narcissist needed to move on with his life—alone.
“I very well might be making the biggest mistake of my life, but it’s a mistake I have to make for myself,” he said.
Everything was changing, and life could not remain the way it was. The Gay Narcissist explained to me that he didn’t know what he wanted anymore or where he wanted to go in his life. This inner turmoil and lack of direction was a great torment to him. And if he didn’t know what to do with himself, how could he possibly worry about me, too?
He couldn’t.
Noble And Sympathetic Faults
“Are you leaving me for the New Supply?” I asked him.
Despite the high emotions, I was still aware of the burgeoning interest the Gay Narcissist had for this individual, a person he met not even a couple of months prior. And I was well aware of the Gay Narcissist’s susceptibility to limerence and love bombing since I lived it myself. So, my suspicions were unavoidable.
I was told that I was that I was wrong, and that our relationship was ending for it’s own reasons, and that it “got away” from the Gay Narcissist. He said he didn’t act quickly enough to handle the situation, whatever that meant. It was a noble and sympathetic fault to admit to. It was also the only one, mind you. And I believed it.
“All I ask if that we see a therapist. Give me three sessions, and after those three sessions, if you still want to break up after that, I’ll respect your decision and I will not press you further.” I added that I’d pay for them out of pocket.
The request was immediately rejected. I was told there was no point, that his feelings would not change.
Honestly, during that conversation, my heart ached for the Gay Narcissist, and I set my own feelings aside to shoulder his troubles and pain.
Even in the end, I made him my priority.
A Sigh At The Finish Line
Dr. Ramani Durvasula talks about the “sigh” upon exiting a toxic relationship in her phenomenal book, Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist.
Dr. Ramani’s noticed this pattern of sighing during her numerous interviews and sessions with clients. Many people sighed when their narcissistic relationships finally ended. All of the wondering, the waiting, the trying, the pleading, and the forgiving was finally over. It’s always a complicated brew of emotions when a narcissistic relationship ends, but despite all of that, there is definitely a “sigh.”
And I experienced it myself.
I was initially discarded on a Tuesday night, and the following Friday the Gay Narcissist left for the Retreat. He was not a broken man like me. He was upbeat and full of energy. My emotional malaise still weighted heavily on me, and so I did not question him. Confronting the truth would only hurt more. And besides, it wasn’t any of my business anymore.
But still, it was apparent to me. It stung. And as I stood in the kitchen window watching him drive away without a care in the world, I could sense just how happy he was to be rid of me. He was a free man.
And then I realized, too, that it was over. It was finally over, and I was free as well.
And I sighed.
It would still be many months before I found emotional stability again. For far too long anxiety and depression were fighting for supremacy over my mind. Anxiety usually stood victorious, and for that I was constantly on edge.
But from time to time the maelstrom in my skull would settle down and I’d sigh.
I’d remember that, no matter what happened, I was free of the Gay Narcissist and it was finally over.
Plagiarism
A couple of weeks ago the “Milhouse Divided” episode started playing on the television I had on for background noise. I was diligently playing Stardew Valley on the Nintendo Switch in handheld mode after wrapping up work for the day.
I smirked when I heard it. A few years prior, that episode of The Simpsons marked a major event in my life I never thought I’d recover from. And now, here I was, laughing at how absurd and ludicrous the whole thing was.
And then the scene with Luann announcing her divorce played.
“I’m not happy, and I haven’t been happy for a long time,” Luann said to Kirk.
I paused the game, set the device down, and rewound the scene. I listened to the line of dialog again.
“I’m not happy, and I haven’t been happy for a long time.”
Why did that sound so familiar?
And then it hit me.
“That son of a bitch,” I said to myself.
I realized the likelihood that the Gay Narcissist plagiarized lines from a cartoon last minute to initiate my discard.
I sat with the thought for a few minutes, and then picked the Switch back up and unpaused Stardew Valley.
I accepted that it didn’t really matter and that I had more important things to attend to.
* * * * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
