I assigned myself many jobs during my gay narcissistic relationship. The most stressful one was probably that of warden.
The years I spent with the Gay Narcissist were a sea of inconsistencies and hypocrisies. Sometimes the Gay Narcissist insisted I share all of his hobbies and interests with the same level of “passion” he claimed to have.
Other times the Gay Narcissist accused me of smothering and controlling him. Why wouldn’t I back off, go away, and let him live his life? Why did I need to be such a controlling nag every hour of every day? What right did I have to tell him what to do?
He was not wrong.
Yes, I was controlling. I was smothering. I didn’t want to leave him alone, because leaving him alone meant he would not be alone for long.
I was desperate to maintain my gay narcissistic relationship at all costs. I didn’t want to be a warden. But I was willing to drive myself insane by trying to control someone who was uncontrollable. Worse, I didn’t understand that the person I was trying to control, the Gay Narcissist, enjoyed my efforts in his own twisted way.
My desperation showed him he mattered to me. My choking fear of loss reassured him that he must be worthy. If he wasn’t, then why would someone try so hard to keep him around and under control?
“I’ll Spend My Alone Time My Way”
Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t stalking the Gay Narcissist like a shadow day and night.
I did my own thing plenty.
I’d go to the movies. I’d visit my parents. I’d go to happy hour. And all the while, I’d leave the Gay Narcissist to his own devices.
He, too, did his own thing plenty.
Even when he was at work he was prone to “grabbing coffee” and “having lunch” with guys he met off of the gay “social networking” apps. But he was only trying to make “friends,” of course. He was doing it for us, he’d say. We needed more friend, he’d tell me. We always needed more friends.
Admittedly, I was my own bundle of inconsistencies.
Sometimes I’d be the ball-busting warden, jangling my keys and rapping my baton along the proverbial bars of our life. And other times, I didn’t care what he did. I just wanted him to go far away and never return.
I’d glut myself on solitude those times I was rid of him. I’d read books, watch television, play video games, clean the house. The last thing I wanted was to see another living, breathing human being.
Not so with the Gay Narcissist. He was ready for trouble the minute I stepped foot out the door.
He placed paramount importance on exercising his rights and privileges within the all-sacred open relationship. And my absence was the perfect time for the Gay Narcissist to strike while putting up with the least amount of bitching and complaining from me.
And yet, the Gay Narcissist himself bitched and complained plenty about his own need to be “alone.” But whenever he had that time, he was hardly ever alone. In fact, it seemed difficult—even unbearable—for the Gay Narcissist to be alone for any stretch of time.
“You spend your alone time your way, and I’ll spend my alone time my way,” he once said to me.
He certainly did that, with no apologies.
“Surrounded By Other People, Stimulated, And Praised”
Here’s an important piece of information to remember:
They are constantly surrounded by other people, stimulated and praised at all times. They can’t tolerate being alone for an extended period of time.
These two sentences are from Jackson MacKenzie’s Psychopath Free: Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, And Other Toxic People.
I was hesitant to read this book at first. The term “psychopath” was too strong. But I got over my apprehension fast and moved forward with the book. I am the better for it, because writer Jackson MacKenzie is not a clinician or scientist.
He’s an everyman who experienced all of the dark patterns of a toxic personality in a former relationship, and then transmuted these experiences into Psychopath Free and Whole Again: Healing Your Heart And Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships And Emotional Abuse.
At the start of Psychopath Free, MacKenzie describes 30 characteristics indicative of a toxic relationship with a dark and manipulative character.
This characteristic was especially salient:
Easily bored. They are constantly surrounded by other people, stimulated and praised at all times. They can’t tolerate being alone for an extended period of time. They become quickly uninterested by anything that doesn’t directly impact them in a positive or thrilling way. At first, you might think they’re exciting and worldly, and you feel inferior for preferring familiarity and consistency.
A similar point was made by Dr. Ramani Durvasula in Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist.
Like Jackson MacKenzie, Dr. Ramani has her own list of 30 characteristics indicating you might be in a relationship with a narcissist. And one of her points is the following: “Does Not Like To Be Alone.”
Dr. Ramani explains that narcissists require others people in order to maintain their own sense of self. Without external sources of validation, a narcissist is prone to slip into states of sullenness, misery, and rage. No one is telling him he is good. And since he’s incapable to reassuring himself he feels good, he therefore does not feel good at all.
Alone time is important for all of us. We need to decompress and we need to think independently. We need to share space with our own thoughts. But this is poison to a narcissistic person because to spend time alone with his thoughts would mean he needs to potentially think about everything he’s done in his life. And that is not something he wants to do.
As Dr. Ramani writes in Should I Stay Or Should I Go:
For most people, being alone means being alone with your own thoughts, and it’s a necessary and healthy part of life. However, if your sense of self is shallow, and you rely on others for your self-esteem, then being alone is a grim reminder of that emptiness.
Talk about a burden all the way around.
The Joys Of Retirement
I had so many fights with the Gay Narcissist over his inability to be alone and his constant need for stimulation from other people.
He either wanted me loyally by his side, or he wanted me gone and out of sight—as if I didn’t exist at all.
Did I always want to be around?
No, of course not. I’m introverted and solitary by nature. In many ways, we made such an incredibly odd pairing, and this facet of our out-of-sync dynamic is certainly a key indicator of just how ill-suited we were for each other. Contention over this issue was always brewing.
But then the narcissistic discard came, the Gay Narcissist met the New Supply, and my job of warden was finally at an end. I no longer had to concern myself with the actions of the Gay Narcissist in his eternal quest to alleviate boredom by sucking up fresh narcissistic supply.
Looking back on all of this years later, I can say I am enjoying my retirement.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
