The message was clear at the beginning of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship.
I was the person the Gay Narcissist was searching for his entire life, and he showered me with praise, compliments, and proclamations of love to assure me of that fact. These words were at their strongest when they were texts.
That was at the beginning.
Many years passed since those early days and weeks of love bombing. The idealization quickly faded, and I fell into a routine of devaluation and confusion with the Gay Narcissist. I could sense that something wasn’t right (very early on, even). It was hard to ignore. He behaved poorly and often at the height of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship; I often compared him to a stomping and pouting little boy who demanded he get his way—or else.
Despite this, I convinced myself if I tried harder, kept my head down, and cut back on my mouthing off as much as possible… well, then I could save the whole thing.
But emotions are emotions, and mine rotted and festered with resentment. My Jungian Shadow grew deeper and darker with all of my denied grievances and boiling hatreds. But I could never find the courage to step up and deal with it. I didn’t know how and I victimized myself.
The Gay Narcissist was crafty in keeping me in line, top. And one of his best and often used tactics was confusing and bewildering me with a constant barrages of words.
He’d serve me up with hefty servings of Word Salad, and I’d eagerly stuff them down my face.
Confusing Rapid-Fire Texting
Word Salad was the only consistent meal the Gay Narcissist prepared for me.
If I was lucky, sometimes he’d sprinkle some breadcrumbs of attention on top for a little added texture. But if he ever sensed I was getting restless or if I was going to step out of line and challenge his selfishness and stupidity, Word Salad was guaranteed.
The greatest example of this came when the Gay Narcissist decided on my replacement—the New Supply.
I wrote in my post, “Gaslighting And Narcissism | “It Wasn’t Any Big Deal,” the following:
The single defining event in my Gay Narcissistic Relationship was when the Gay Narcissist chose my replacement, the individual who would be become the New Supply.
This event took place somewhere I will call “the Retreat,” a location where the Gay Narcissist and I would spend some of our weekends during the summer.
During a trip to the Retreat, the Gay Narcissist made himself scarce one Saturday afternoon while I was caught up in some chit-chat with friends. He was gone for an exceedingly long time, prompting me to check up on him. When I found him, he was embracing the New Supply in his arms, an individual we both met the night before. To an unwitting outsider, they made quite the newly in-love couple. And soon enough, that’s exactly what they’d advertise to the world around them.
But in that particular moment, my own world went quiet and still. I knew that an unalterable event in my life was taking place, and everything was forever changed in my relationship with the Gay Narcissist. It’s important to remember here that my narcissistic relationship was “open,” and this was the ultimate excuse for the Gay Narcissist to justify all of his actions and behaviors, while diminishing all of my concerns and hurt feelings.
That was the genesis of the Gay Narcissist’s relationship with the New Supply, and the beginning of the end of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship that I treading water in.
And after that came the manipulation, the deceit, and the bullying in the form of confusing rapid-fire texting. There’s one particular text exchange I still have saved in screenshots between me and the Gay Narcissist where he started laying the groundwork that would eventually lead to the Final Narcissistic Discard and the installation of the New Supply.
These texts were accusatory, pseudo-loving, complementary, fearful, petulant, sexual, concerned, and desperate all at the same once.
And while I do not doubt that some of the emotions present in the texts of the Gay Narcissist were genuine (whatever genuine was for him), I also believe there was a hearty helping of strategy in the Word Salad he was serving me. The Gay Narcissist learned exactly how to trigger me over the course of our time together. He knew the buttons to push, and they were the buttons that triggered my fear of abandonment. Ironically, this manipulation is what started the process that ultimately led to my actual abandonment by him.
This text exchange bothered me so much I printed it out and handed it to the Lovely Therapist during one of our sessions so she could read it and simply confirm that it was, in fact, maddening Word Salad, and I wasn’t being a difficult prick.
Watching her facial expressions alone as she thumbed from page to page was rewarding enough. She told me it was confusing and hard to follow, and it all served as an excellent example of gaslighting, since, by the end of the conversation, I was the one apologizing to the Gay Narcissist for everything wrong I did to him. I want to be clear: this conversation started out with him requesting my permission to see more of the New Supply, and by the end of it I was apologizing to him for my supposed wrongdoings.
He had me exactly where he wanted me.
“A Conversation From Hell”
One of my favorite books I always recommend is Jackson Mackenzie’s Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People.
Mackenzie covers Word Salad in his book, and he highlights these tactics and “warning signs” to keep watch for:
— Circular Conversations
— Bringing Up Your Past Wrongdoings And Ignoring Their Own
—Condescending And Patronizing Tone
— Accusing You Of Doing Things That They Themselves Are Doing
— Multiple Personas
— The Eternal Victim
— You Begin Explaining Basic Human Emotions
— Excuses
— “What In The World Just Happened”
Overall, MackKenzie summaries Word Salad best here:
When they’re feeling threatened or bored, the psychopath will often use what’s called word salad in an attempt to keep your kind occupied. Basically, it’s a conversation from hell. They aren’y actually saying anything at all; they’re just talking at you. Before you can even respond to one outrageous statement, they’re already on to the next. You’ll be left with your head spinning.
It couldn’t be more true.
A Fool’s Errand
Text messages allow narcissists to puke out all of their dizzying and confusing words and lob them at you before you have time to process and think. And while you’re busying yourself trying to divine your fate in the entrails of his words like an augur of old, the narcissist has already moved on to ensnaring whatever it is he wanted—whatever it was that made him use the tactic of Word Salad to keep your distracted and morally broken.
I studied so many text messages throughout the course of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship.
I won’t say it was a complete waste of time, because with some time and distance, mixed with a healthy dose of self-awareness, you can start to see the tactics behind the Word Salad you’re presented with.
But trying to find meaning in the Word Salad itself is a fool’s errand, because meaning does not exist.
Meaning was never the intention. Only confusion and emotional abuse.
Mission accomplished.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
