I met many people during the six or so years of my narcissistic relationship.
And at the end of it all, I let nearly all of these relationships go so they could quietly end and fade away. It certainly wasn’t out of contempt or malice. No, it was what these relationships were and out of what they originated from. I wasn’t psychologically equipped to maneuver them, and so moving on from them was the tactic I chose.
But really, why? Were these people not individuals separate from the person I was in a narcissistic relationship with? Didn’t they deserve their own autonomous presence in my life if they wanted?
If only human interactions were that simple.
Who Were All Of These People?
I’ve written a few different posts about the “discard” phase of narcissistic relationships, and it’s that phase that reveals how a narcissistic person views those around him—as objects. Just like trading in a new car with fewer miles or a new phone with a better camera, a narcissist will discard one person for another based upon superficial reasons, depending on the relationship that’s being traded up. Looks, money, connections, or even just fresher attention. A narcissist loves having his ass kissed and his ego sucked off by a fresh face.
And a narcissist collects friendships.
No, no, come to think of it, “collects” is too soft a word—a narcissist hoard friendships. You guessed it—there’s little substance to them, if any at all. Shallow conversation and petty gossip are the blood and guts of a friendship with a narcissist. And if you’re boring, or you’re not doting enough on the successes, or if you fail to explain away the shortfalls—well, then you’re out.
My approach to friendship is the opposite. I’m 36, not getting any younger, and not really plugged into social media. I have a few close friends and a small handful of acquaintances.
But I put effort into those people that I do socialize with. I care to make the relationships meaningful and to instill them with purpose. If that’s lacking, then what’s the point of surrendering a part of yourself to someone? It’s exhausting and it consumes the most precious universal currency we all trade in—time.
The narcissist from my past didn’t exactly appreciate my approach to friendships. Throughout my narcissistic relationship I was reminded how we had “no friends” as a couple and how we needed to meet new people… all the time. This wasn’t a suggestion. It was a directive. We needed to meet as many new people as possible and find ways to incorporate said people into our lives whenever possible. The show must always go on.
Any guff from me, and the explanation was simple. I was trying to run his life and control the relationship.
This had nothing to do with friendships, mind you. It was the narcissist’s strategy for collecting new sources of supply to give him a hit when he was feeling low—which was so incredibly often.
Where Did I Fit Into All Of This?
I went along for the ride, of course. What else was I going to do? Oh, sure, I raised a ruckus here and there. I bitched and complained that I didn’t want to meet new people all of the time, which was such an awkward and forced scenario. It felt like I was interviewing temp employees for bullshit office work. Yes, sometimes there was fun to be had. But it was rare.
My happiness in these scenarios wasn’t the focus, though, so my objections didn’t matter. My role in these mock friendships was what it always was in all aspects of the narcissistic relationship at large—to witness my narcissistic ex’s life and comply with any and all actions.
If he liked someone, I was to like someone. If he was having fun, I was to have fun. And if he were to call someone friend, I was to call the person friend. Since I was an extension of this narcissist, no deviation was permitted. Why would there be, anyway? Why would I have an original thought or opinion outside of his own wants and desires?
This, of course, was taxing for me.
I am a private person who values his quiet personal time above all else. The friends I have I’ve known for years (some decades) and new friendships are only formed organically and over long periods of time. The fast-food approach to relationships that narcissists engage in isn’t my style.
The Marie Kondo Approach To Relationships
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, our modern day scholar on all things narcissism, released an interesting YouTube video back ion 20 November 2020 called “Narcissism and the Marie Kondo Method.” You can watch it above if you’re interested.
Dr. Ramani suggests an evaluation of the people in your life the same way Marie Kondo encourages you to evaluate what items in your life bring you enjoy.
As both an introvert and minimalist, these approaches have served me well since moving on from my narcissistic relationship. Just like I’ve sold, donated, and thrown out a great many material objects I no longer needed or wanted—that which no longer brought me joy—so did I do with several relationships I accumulated during my relationship.
Now, as crass as it is to say, many of these relationships I did not want. And while some of the people I met were kind and lovely people, the relationships I had with them were lacking joy, even causing me anxiety because of their connection to the narcissist I wanted to exorcise from my life. How could I be free of him while also carrying on relationships with these people? Even if boundaries were respected, the specter of my narcissistic ex would also be rapping on the walls.
In order to move on, I made a clean break and did a lot of psychological housekeeping of friendships, and I’m better for it. And if you’re struggling with this, I suggest you do the same.
It won’t be easy. But it will be freeing in the end.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
