The foundation was laid early and subtly.
The Gay Narcissist let me know he was not in the best shape financially soon after we first met. It was not his fault. Rather, it was the gross negligence and financial control exerted over him by his domineering and punishing ex-partner. Because of the Gay Narcissist’s ex-partner, who supposedly wielded money like a cudgel, the Gay Narcissist had to pick up the pieces of his ruined finances and rebuild anew.
I simpered over every word he said.
I fell under the spell of the Gay Narcissist fast, and so, I trusted every word he said. His love bombing was thorough. His idealization of me as his soulmate was absolute. There was no question that I was “the one” he was “searching for” all his life. I found myself addicted to the attention fast.
So, when he needed a few thousand dollars to get him out of a pinch, I was quick to give it to him.
Not lend.
Give.
I gave it to him freely—no strings attached.
Great And Deep Shame
This topic sickens me to this day.
Of all the anecdotes, memories, and stories I’ve shared here about my time living in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship and calling the Gay Narcissist my “partner,” this is the one topic that still makes me cringe. It is the one thing that still fills me with a great and deep shame, and I have yet to fully move on from it.
Money.
I’ve been writing about the Gay Narcissist, the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, and all of my experiences since 2019, but money and financial abuse is a theme I’ve never gotten into. That’s telling, since money played an enormous part in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, second only to our open relationship. And my lingering shame is the culprit.
It’s a topic I’ve consciously avoided.
Why Now?
I recently binged The Tinder Swindler, Bad Vegan, and The Puppet Master on Netflix.
The extortion of money from unsuspecting and well-intentioned individuals was the central theme in each documentary. That, and the psychological malignancy at the root of the extortion. And the money we’re talking about here was not a few grand (which is bad enough). It was millions.
These are all extreme examples of financial abuse. Most people (I hope) will never experience anything of that magnitude. But that still does not mean that the manipulation of money in toxic relationships won’t get contentious.
The general discourse around financial abuse is typically when one partner grips the purse strings tight at the expense of the other partner. The target of the abuse is then forced to comply with the wishes and whims of the abusive partner in order to receive an allowance, have bills paid, and generally be allowed to survive financially.
Personally, I find it the most insidious form of control in any kind of a relationship. Not sex, not lies, not coercion. We all need to earn a living to survive. It’s also a safe assumption that money is a fundamental reason why self-aware people remain in abusive and controlling circumstances. You may know your partner is a micromanaging tyrant you’d love to ditch, but if he or she holds sway over the bank account, then what?
For example, this Psychology Today article—“Are You Experiencing Economic Or Financial Abuse?”—by Stephanie A. Sarkis, Ph.D, explains financial abuse, in part, like this:
Economic abuse is viewed as a “hidden” form of abuse, because many people that are victims of it may not realize it is [as]a form of abuse.
The nature of economic abuse is for the gaslighter or narcissist to limit your options for leaving, so this type of abuse tends to be underreported. In addition, gaslighters or narcissists make sure they lie to you by telling you that you are the real issue, not them.
Let me be clear: You are in an abusive relationship. Your partner is 100 percent responsible for his or her behavior.
She then lists overt forms of control like not being allowed to work, handing over paychecks, confiscating credit cards, taking out loans in another partner’s name without enthusiastic consent, etc.
But what if it’s not so blunt? Can it be subtler?
Subtle, Coercive, And Pathetic
The financial abuse I experienced was subtle and coercive. Most of all, it was pathetic.
And I fell for all of it.
The Gay Narcissist had no financial discipline. In fact, he medicated his tumultuous and dark emotions (when not seeking sexual attention from other men) with online shopping. Whenever he felt out of sorts, he wanted to ease his discomfort by accumulating a thing, whether that was the admiration of another man or a purchased object to make him feel fleetingly happy.
Sometimes those purchases were large. He then expected me to help him bankroll said purchases. And when I say expected, I really mean it. There was no question in his mind that I should hand over money to him for whatever he wanted. Worse, he though I should do it with unflinching enthusiasm. This brings me back to my earlier admission, when I gave him the small four-figure amount to help him out of a supposedly difficult situation. He ended up with a new and expensive object when the situation passed. Lastly, I was forbidden from telling anyone I provided him financial support.
As the years wore on and my overall frustration and fatigue grew, I’d rebuff the Gay Narcissist’s requests for financial aid to buy his “big-boy toys,” as I called them. And when I did, he’d grow sour and temperamental. Sometimes he’d throw tantrums and accuse me of withholding my own personal savings account from him. The Gay Narcissist told me I was wielding and flaunting my financial discipline to control him.
And you know what?
I’d bitch out. I’d cave.
I almost always surrendered and turned into his personal bank for his bullshit purchases. And as you’d expect of any narcissist, the appeal of whatever I lent money for would become a burden. Its appeal would dull. Its shine would dim. Its novelty would die. Its excitement would mellow. Then the new problem of unloading the once-coveted big-boy toy would be the next adventure of stress and misery the Gay Narcissist would embark on. And I’d always trail behind.
All the while, I monitored him monthly, making sure he was paying me back on-time. To an outsider, I probably looked like the abuser. But it was always him using my commitment to the relationship to manipulate money out of me.
It’s one hell of a ghost that still haunts me.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
