The feeling hit me when I was commuting to work on the subway.
I was standing up, gripping a pole, and reading a book. Then, quite suddenly, I lowered the book because of a dread feeling. I stood there in silence staring at the ground. My head swam in a sudden and earnest wave of warnings.
They all said the same thing—cancel my Valentine’s Day weekend with the Gay Narcissist. It was a mere three weeks after our initial meeting.
Don’t go, I thought to myself. Just make up an excuse, don’t go, and let this whole thing end and fade away.
But I did not heed my intuition.
Quite the opposite.
I chastised myself for worrying too much and passing judgement on someone I barely knew. Sure, the Gay Narcissist proved a bit moody. Yes, here and there he showed me a temperamental side if I didn’t return his text messages fast enough. Maybe, here and there, openly evaluated the enthusiasm of my interactions with him. Mere days into meeting him, he hinted at how he expected me to behave if I was going to be a suitable partner.
But the Gay Narcissist simply did all of that because he was cautious. He had a great many toxic and abusive relationships catalogued in his past, and he was always the victimized party. One right after the other. Didn’t he have every right to fret and make sure I was worthy of him?
As sickening as it is to admit now, I felt everything he did was well justified. All the while, I did nothing to protect myself from his early and subtle abuses.
And I played my part in the process by burying my intuition alive in a coffin, Kill Bill-style.
Three Tricky And Powerful Words
But why?
Why was someone else’s “choosing” of me so damn important that I was willing to offer myself up as a human sacrifice?
It’s quite simple.
I was desperate to be in a relationship—sometimes the desperation was so strong it was paralyzing. I believed I was worthless as a human being without another man choosing me as his partner. Until I found that, I was a pathetic wretch unworthy of any kind of happiness.
I was willing to do anything to find my “one true love” and protect that union at any cost. And so, when I met the Gay Narcissist and he showered me with praise and assured me a mere three weeks into the Gay Narcissistic Relationship that he was madly in love with me and I was the one he was searching for his entire life (words actually spoken by him)… well, the pact was made.
I found the cost.
My spirit.
And I sold it to the Gay Narcissist.
Once I heard him say those three tricky and powerful words—I love you—for the first time, I was addled, hooked, and addicted. It was a drug unlike anything I ever experienced before. And it was an addiction that lasted several years until he finally had his fill of me, selected a replacement, and then finally discarded me for said replacement—the New Supply.
Detoxing from a psychic addiction to another person, especially a narcissistic one, is a long and exhausting process.
And all the while, I still denied my own intuition.
A Tangle Of Contradictions
I’m racked with self-doubt every day of my life.
But, paradoxically, I also trust my intuition and believe that I have a fairly sharp perception and can somewhat clearly understand the motives and behaviors of others.
So how do I untangle that contradiction?
It’s quite simple, really.
When I make these observations of situations and scenarios around me that do not directly affect my life, I trust them.
But when they do affect my life directly, the self-doubt starts. The self-doubt was far more powerful when I was younger, especially in my twenties when I met the Gay Narcissist. My own self-doubt mixed with the love bombing and subtle manipulations tossed my way by the Gay Narcissist ensnared me with ease.
It was only after the Final Narcissistic Discard and watching the New Supply seamlessly take my place in the life of the Gay Narcissist that I was shaken awake.
I was duped. I was taken. I was had.
But…
I Knew
“You knew,” the Lovely Therapist told me after I shared the subway epiphany with her. “You knew right at the very beginning who he was.”
Yes, I did. I knew.
Instead of heeding my intuition, though, I ignored it to chase what I thought I needed to feel like a worthy human being.
I won’t waste space listing all of the platitudes stating another person cannot make you whole and you need to do that yourself, but it is true. And as I learned after I moved away and on from the Gay Narcissist, it’s far more rewarding to do it alone.
There’s true freedom in it.
* * *
Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
* * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
