After the Final Narcissistic Discard happened and I watched the Gay Narcissist move on with my replacement, the New Supply, the last thing on my mind was “moving on.”
I was focused on the exact opposite.
How could I get it all back? How could I mend all of the damage done—damage I believed I fully caused on my own—and restore the Gay Narcissistic Relationship to its former glory? There was nothing I wanted more. Nothing.
But the Lovely Therapist did not agree with me. She assured me that it wasn’t going to happen any time soon because it was clear the Gay Narcissist was finished with me and had moved on to someone else. I felt a crushing anxiety settle upon my heart when she told me this. I didn’t want to hear it because I needed the Gay Narcissist back at any cost possible.
I was desperate for the Gay Narcissist to see the error of his ways, leave the New Supply, and reclaim me as his prize.
I wanted nothing more than to be hoovered.
First, Some Reflection On The Words “Move On”
There were no two words I hated more during the Post-Discard Days than those of “move on.”
Everyone said them to me.
Some said them impatiently. Others passed them on with kindness. Most simply said them with a stubborn certainty. Nothing was going to get better in my life until I “moved on,” and I cringed every time I heard this message.
It was a slap in the face that disregarded all of my turbulent emotions.
Anyone who has ever experienced a narcissistic relationship will know all too well how much of a fraught and chaotic experience it is, and how many of the feelings a person is left with are antithetical and confused. You feel both relieved that the madness is over while simultaneously plotting how to snatch the relationship back.
This is simply the nature of battered and bruised emotions.
And because of this, being told to blithely “move on” is upsettingly frustrating. It completely invalidates the experiences of a narcissistic relationship and its mountain of emotional baggage.
“Moving on” is possible, of course. It’s quite likely, even. But it only happens when the person discarded from a narcissistic relationship is ready to speak the words independent of anyone else.
And this will only happen when the memories of a narcissistic relationship are buried in the past and any chance of hoovering is gone.
The “Minor Hoover”
I got my wish, because I was hoovered.
I was hoovered a few times, in fact, but two attempts stand out clearly. One was a “minor hoover” and the other was a “major hoover.”
The minor hoover was simple enough.
The Gay Narcissist reached out after our cohabitation ceased, heralding the end of the Post-Discard Days. I had moved into my own apartment, and he had moved far away to be closer to the New Supply.
But that did not stop him from reminiscing with me via text.
The Gay Narcissist reached out and spoke to me about the new season of a show we watched together during the Gay Narcissistic Relationship. Harmless enough, right?
He loved the show, and I hated it.
And this was his opening. He texted me to tell me about the new season, knowing I’d never watch it. He even tried to drum up some old memories by firing up the rivalry we had over our opinions on why it was good versus bad.
Interestingly… I didn’t feel much during the conversation. If anything I was annoyed that he disturbed me, and even more annoyed that I did not simply block him.
Distance is the panacea for a narcissistic relationship. Only when you’re away from the psychic poison a narcissist taints your mind with will you start to think clearly again and purge you mind of his influence.
I started to notice patterns in the Gay Narcissist’s texting because of this.
His trite words irritated me.
He’d shallowly make short and excited comments followed by exclamation points. He’d overuse emojis. There was never any depth to what he said. Everything was simple and juvenile. And as I read these texts that formed the first hoover, I started to feel something new.
I was completely embarrassed I ever cared about this guy and I left him influence me as much as I did.
The “Major Hoover”
Time moved on, and I moved on with it.
Nearly an entire year passed since the Final Narcissistic Discard. The Gay Narcissist was long gone, having moved on with the New Supply…
Until the New Supply abruptly ended his relationship with the Gay Narcissist and discarded him.
This information was passed on to me through mutual connections between the Gay Narcissist and I. And one of these individuals even told me that the Gay Narcissist requested that I be informed of the news. That’s a not-so-subtle (and quite manipulative) hoover itself.
But the true “major hoover” came when a tragedy befell the Gay Narcissist’s, and he reached out to share the news with me
The tragedy, to a certain extent, was a shared experience, as I had some investment in the situation.
There was the Gay Narcissist’s in.
And so, the Gay Narcissist reached out to inform me of the Shared Tragedy. He was apologetic for disturbing me and he wished he was reaching out under better circumstances. Then I was told what happened.
The texts came and came and came… and he mostly talked about himself and how he was affected and how he was feeling. That, or he carried on and on and on in excruciating detail about what transpired.
No, he did not ask me how I was feeling.
When there was a lull in the conversation, the Gay Narcissist took the opportunity to inform me that the New Supply left him in case I was not told.
Clearly he wasn’t completely overwhelmed with grief.
A Keepsake With A Catch
The Major Hoover continued days later when the Gay Narcissist reached out to me yet again. He wanted to send me a Keepsake from the Shared Tragedy. It was important to him that I have it.
I accepted the Keepsake for my own personal reasons.
But accepting it came with a catch.
The Gay Narcissist asked if I wanted to meet one day after work so I could pick it up in person. He then said I shouldn’t worry if I wasn’t ready to see him; the Gay Narcissist “totally respected” my decision if I wanted it mailed instead.
Mail it, please.
And so, he did just that. The Gay Narcissist mailed me the Keepsake. And after I messaged him my thanks for sending it, that was the last we ever spoke.
I went “No Contact” after that day.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
