Narcissism And Cheapness | A Generous Pal With Strangers

“I got it.”

And with that statement, the Gay Narcissist pulled out and pried open his wallet after an expensive brunch with his coworker and her visiting family from Europe.

Oh, no, no! Please! You don’t have to do that!

The sentiments of refusal came in steady stream, but the Gay Narcissist wouldn’t hear any of it.

Nonsense! Balderdash! Poppycock!

Meanwhile, the look on my face was blunt: you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I stared blankly; my mouth was agape. Frustration didn’t begin to express how upset I was when I saw the bill totaled a few hundred smackers. This was big money for a guy who needed to check his bank balance whenever I grew a pair and insisted he pay for generic takeout once in a while.

The Gay Narcissist didn’t look my way during his act of generosity. He knew my opinion on the matter—that I thought it was bullshit. He didn’t care.

He was on a mission to impress.

But any other time, he was a cheap and selfish son of a bitch.

A Generous Pal With Strangers

Money was a weird and sore spot in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship I shared with the Gay Narcissist.

I was warned early on that the Gay Narcissist’s finances were eschew due to alleged financial abuse he suffered at the hands of the partner preceding me. Like all things bad in the life of the Gay Narcissist, everything was someone else’s fault.

But as the years passed, the Gay Narcissistic Relationship aged, and my overall mood soured, I noticed a very clear pattern that never failed to piss me the fuck off.

The Gay Narcissist was usually a cheap bastard with me. But he was a generous pal with strangers.

Sure, I understood what he was doing at the time. I knew he wanted to impress these strangers so they thought highly of his actions and considered him a good guy. But, as with all patterns in narcissism, I didn’t know what was driving the behavior. I assumed I was doing something wrong.

If I behaved differently, then perhaps I, too, would enjoy his generosity and kindness.

Ah, but now I know better.

When you emerge from a relationship saturated in frustration, confusion, entitlement, and devaluation, you eventually start looking for answers and turn to the all-knowing oracle of Google for the answers.

And just like naming Rumpelstiltskin, you find a single word you can apply to your entire experience.

Narcissism.

Narcissism explains it all. I was in a narcissistic relationship with a narcissist.

The word is so empowering because it finally brings clarity to all of the madness.

Fat And Flush With Dough

Sex, romance, and limerence were the bullets that finally put the Gay Narcissistic Relationship out of its misery.

And while those emotionally fraught elements played a huge roll in all of the drama that fueled the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, money, financial abuse, and all-around cheapness formed the true foundation of my frustration and misery.

Sure, the drama and antagonism that arose from our Gay Open Relationship rose up in great bursts of hurt feelings and fearful desperation.

But money—money was the steady stream of resentment and frustration that never once stopped flowing. I found myself paying for the “not fun” stuff like groceries, appliances, and the typical household needs you keep around to stave off squalor. It’s not fun buying toilet-bowl cleaner, but you have to do it.

This is a tough one to rectify, because nothing about this scenario was overt. It kind of just happened based upon early-laid dynamics between the two of us. I was the responsible one who cared about order and cleanliness—yes, usually to an obsessive degree.

The Gay Narcissist was the one who cared about having fun, buying shit, and impressing people. After a rushed move-in, I realized the Gay Narcissist had very different day-to-day priorities than me, and I either needed to step up and make sure they happened, or loose my mind while waiting for him to start caring.

I chose the former.

The norm was set. I’d spend money on the boring household stuff, and he’d have his own money to either throw at his past debts, or piss away on new crap he didn’t need, in turn making new debts. It happened early, subtly, and found encouragement from the behaviors of both of us.

As I said—it sort of just happened, based on who we both were as individuals.

And so, over the years, I’d simp out and find myself picking up way too many bills for the Gay Narcissist. I’d buy him stuff to make him happy. I’d lend him money for Big-Boy Toys. And while doing that, I’d take on most of the household expenses.

Sure, sometimes I’d push back. On occasion he’d offer to pay for little things like takeout, but as mentioned before, only after taking a peek at his checking account to make sure he had enough to cover it. And make no mistake—the Gay Narcissist earned plenty. I always made less than him, but was in far better financial shape. Why? Because I didn’t irresponsibly spend.

But all of this went out the window when we were in the presence of strangers the Gay Narcissist wanted to impress. Then his wallet was fat and flush with dough, and he was ready to treat.

“Spend Generously On Themselves”

I felt incredible vindication when I read through the 30-Point Narcissism Checklist in Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist by Dr. Ramani Durvasula. Cheapness was included on it, and I sighed relief.

On top topic of narcissists and cheapness, Dr. Ramani writes the following in Should I Stay Or Should I Go:

There are really two kinds of “cheap” we are talking about here, and they frequently co-exist.

Some [narcissists]are truly not generous. They will only spend money to further a goal, which is why they are usually generous during the courtship phase, but then once they have you in their lives, the gravy train stops.

They will be downright miserly, or spend generously on themselves and not on others. Or they spend it strategically—on people or in situations that will forward their cause.

Dr. Ramani further wrote about this topic in 2022 for CNBC, where she outlined five “toxic habits” narcissist engage in, and the second on the list highlighted generous spending in public.

“To narcissists, spending large amounts of money on others can be a way to get people to like them. They may be stingy in private, for example, but cover dinner for colleagues or give gifts just for show,” Dr. Ramani writes.

Funny enough, the third point on the list discusses how narcissists skip essentials, and instead opt for spending money on self satisfying crap. And if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist who behaves like this, you will probably need to save money to cover those essentials.

I know I did.

While the Gay Narcissist pissed money away, I morphed into a closeted accountant, making monthly projections of my earnings versus costs. And as I hammered away at the calculator figuring all this stuff out, I desperately hoped the Gay Narcissist wouldn’t come up with something stupid to derail my financial projections.

Reset assured—he always did.