Narcissism And Blame | “It’s Only A Big Deal If You Make It One”

I found myself in a difficult spot with the Gay Narcissist and a mutual friend of ours.

This mutual friend was someone we met in our neighborhood—let’s call him the Neighborhood Pal for clarity’s sake. The Gay Narcissist courted the Neighborhood Pal on one of the “gay dating” apps, so everyone’s intentions were already impure.

Even though the Gay Narcissist carried on and complained that we needed more friends and needed to be more social, that always translated into finding men who would give him sexual attention. I, meanwhile, had the cuckolded honor of sitting by watching as all events played out.

Hey, that’s the magic of an open relationship.

It’s easy to guess where this is going. The Gay Narcissist and the Neighborhood Pal grew closer, and in turn, I soured. I din’t have the guts to voice my disgruntled and upset feelings, so I instead let it poison me internally. My passive-aggressive coping mechanisms were in a league of their own, rest assured.

And then it happened. The deed was done. The Gay Narcissist and the Neighborhood Pal hooked up. I sensed it was inevitable, and I was highly suspicious after they spent a prolonged period of time together. I pressed the Gay Narcissist for the truth. He half-assed a lie before coming clean with a grin and a laugh. He was truly proud of himself.

But I was wrecked to my core.

Even though I knew it was coming, and I thought I prepared myself for it (we were in an open relationship I agreed to and participated in, after all), I found the experience devastating. My chest tightened, I couldn’t sleep, and I anxiously monitored all of my own behavior out of fear that I’d upset the Gay Narcissist and drive him closer to the Neighborhood Pal.

After all, I was blamed for everything that happened.

Difficult And Disinterested

The Gay Narcissist reminded me that I agreed to the open relationship (over and over and over again), and he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to reap its benefits.

After his tryst with the Neighborhood Pal, the Gay Narcissist warned me of much:

I needed to stop with my dramatics, which were all in an effort to control the Gay Narcissist. Besides, in a way, I allowed it to happen. If I spent and equal amount of time with the Gay Narcissist and the Neighborhood Pal—thereby not letting them out of my sight—then this wouldn’t have happened. Why did I have to be so difficult and so disinterested all of the time?

I was clearly to blame the more the Gay Narcissist outlined my many flaws. I believed all of it.

But here’s a mind-bending revelation. Even though the Gay Narcissist listed all of my faults that led to something I tangentially agreed to by virtue of the open relationship clause attached to our absurd and corrupt Gay Narcissistic Relationship, he never once acknowledged my feelings. He didn’t seem to care why I felt so hurt.

Fancy that, huh?

Praising And Punishing

Narcissists shift blame freely and effortlessly.

Remember, all narcissists have a core insecurity that they’re forever protecting from the outside world. Anything that pierces their external presentation is psychologically devastating, and it needed to be avoided at all costs.

So, taking on blame is not happening.

Dr. Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., describes this in her Psychology Today article—“Why Does Your Narcissistic Partner Always Blame You?”

Greenberg writes about the common human capacity for “praising and punishing” our own behavior. If all goes at least relatively well in our upbringing, we cheer ourselves on when we do well, and he punish ourselves when we do poorly. This is all in an effort to keep ourselves on a decent path.

Narcissists, according to Elinor Greenberg, have exceptionally harsh and cruel inner voices, and those voices routinely beat and whip their fragile and wounded insecurity. So, in order to avoid another lashing, a narcissist will deflect any and all blame of wrongdoing, even—especially—if he is clearly at fault.

Dr. Elinor Greenberg writes:

Because narcissists’ inner guiding voice is so critical and harsh, narcissists try to avoid all responsibility for anything that goes wrong. In order to avoid self-hatred, they project the blame onto someone else. If they do not successfully shift the blame, then they may find themselves drowning in a pit of self-loathing and shame…

Naturally, with deep shame always lurking around the edges of their psyche and an inner critical voice that unfairly and severely punishes them, narcissists learn early in life to never take the blame for their mistakes. Instead, when anything is amiss, they quickly blame someone else. If you are their lover or mate, you are the one that is likely to be blamed—no matter how farfetched this seems.

Ain’t that the truth.

“Awkward For Everyone”

A few weeks after the revelation that the Gay Narcissist and the Neighborhood Pal enjoyed some intimate time with one another, the both thought it would be fun if all three of us had a guys’ night out.

“The only way I’d ever consider that is if I said up front I knew what’s happened between you two,” I said.

With a dumbfounded look, the Gay Narcissist stared at me blankly, unable to process the information at first.

“Why would you do that?” he eventually said.

I told him it was something I had to do. I’d not be able to sit by like the grinning and hapless fool for their benefit; I was still left with a mountain of unmanaged feelings about the whole thing, open relationship or not.

“You’d just make it awkward for everyone.”

But I didn’t budge, and the guys’ night out never came to pass. I never saw the Neighborhood Pal again, either. As far as I know, he and the Gay Narcissist fell out of touch, but I cannot be sure.

What I am sure of is the Gay Narcissist did everything he could to shift the blame of his hurtful and selfish behavior onto me in that instance. He was a master of tactic, and did so countless other times over the course of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship. In fact, it was his secret weapon during the Final Narcissistic Relationship and the installation of the New Supply.

It wasn’t until it was all over and done that I saw it for what it was.

Bullshit.