After I went through the Final Narcissistic Discard upon the death of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, several friends remarked that I was unrecognizable from the guy they once knew.
Sure, they all understood that breakups are rough, and they knew that the Gay Narcissist didn’t treat me well and ended everything in a poor way. But, still, why wasn’t I happy to be rid of him once and for all? Why did I care so much that someone who treated me badly was gone? Let him go abuse someone else, I was told.
And nearly everyone reminded me of this bit of wisdom:
I was finally free!
Hell, even the Gay Narcissist himself said this to me time and again during the Post-Discard Days when we still cohabitated together in the same rental home.
I don’t understand what you’re so sad about, the Gay Narcissist would say. You made it clear you didn’t want to be with me anymore. Now you’re free.
Ah, what a rationalization. What a dodge from any responsibility whatsoever.
But did everyone have a point I didn’t want to admit to?
In my own typical fashion, I scrutinized every single one of my feelings. I questioned all of my motivations. And, ultimately, I put my very character on trial. What was I so upset about? I knew the relationship was a complete mess. I was far more than simply unhappy. I felt trapped—imprisoned—by the entire thing, and there was no way out. But, at the same time, I couldn’t give up on the Gay Narcissist. I believes he was still the great guy I originally met deep down—very, very, very deep down.
But that was all in the past. I had to stand up, shake it off, and “move on.” Some even said the Gay Narcissist gave me a gift in the form of the Final Narcissistic Discard. Wasn’t he now the problem of the New Supply? What did I really care what he did?
That’s all fair and true. But cognition and rational thought rarely align with your emotional experience. After all, we’re built to form intimate relationships with our partners and depend on them…
Let’s just hope you find the right partner.
Avoidance And Availability
Even though Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love (by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.) has been published for over a decade, I kept putting off its reading in favor of all the darker psychology literature out there—namely narcissism and other toxic personality styles.
But it’s also (unfortunately) a far cry to say I’ve applied all of the lessons learned from the Gay Narcissistic Relationship to my own life. Yes, I’ve overall learned to shape up and have been far more careful than I was before meeting the Gay Narcissist. Self-awareness is a powerful thing.
Sometimes old habits really do die hard, however, and unfortunately, I still find myself attracted to difficult men. Back and forth, in and out, hot and cold—I respond to this way too much and way too easily. The more mixed the signals, the more I want to chase. The more difficult the interactions, the more I want to fix it. The more avoidant someone is, the more I make myself available.
And there’s the word—avoidant.
I nodded along a lot while reading Attached. I laughed plenty, too. Sometimes I even felt a little uneasy. The last time I related to a book so much was when I read Should I Stay Or Should I Go by Dr. Ramani Durvasula. The same goes for The Human-Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg.
My sudden interest in attachment theory isn’t intellectual curiosity, though.
As previously mentioned, I’m still making similar dating mistakes in the years following the Gay Narcissistic Relationship. I invest in difficult and invalidating men very early on. I go all in. I chase them no matter how much they avoid and dodge. And I gobble up hungrily whatever bread crumbs they throw my way.
The more distress and emotional turbulence that arises from my interest in these men, the more I try to win them over. When these guys pull away and send me mixed signals, the more I try to fix everything, even though there’s nothing to really fix. As I’m often told, it is what it is.
Clearly, I have an “anxious attachment style” and I’m attracted to men who have an “avoidant attachment style.”
Oh, goodie.
Are Avoidant Types Narcissistic?
I’m going to set aside my own anxious attachment style for the remainder of this writing in favor of picking at avoidant types, instead.
Because a lot of of the information outlined concerning the avoidant attachment style lined up quite well with my experiences in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship.
Here’s a brief outline from the ‘Cracking Others’ Attachment Style Cheat Sheet’ in Attached:
— Sends mixed signals
— Values their independent greatly
— Devalues you (or previous partners)
— Uses distancing strategies—emotional or physical
— Has an unrealistic romantic view of how relationships should work
— Emphasizes boundaries in the relationship
— Mistrustful—fears being taken advantage of by partners
— Has rigid view of relationships and uncompromising rules
— During a disagreement, needs to get away or “explodes”
— Doesn’t make their intentions clears
— Has difficult talking about what’s going on between you
Some of these stood out to me:
Devalues you (or previous partners): Yikes with this one. “Devaluation” is a word the comes up time and again concerning the general within a narcissistic relationship. You’re never good enough. You’re in the way. You’re too needy. Why do you have to make this all so difficult? Does any of that sound familiar with regard to narcissistic relationships?
During a disagreement, needs to get away or “explodes”: Narcissists are mistrustful and hypersensitive to criticism, and they will either “explode” in a fight, or (sometimes worse) “need to get away,” which certainly sounds like the silent treatment to me. No matter how you look at it, this turns into abusive behavior fast.
Has an unrealistic romantic view of how relationships should work: This mirrors the idealization and devaluation (there’s that word again) phase of a narcissistic relationship. When the romantic fantasy the narcissist has in mind starts to crack, the targeted partner is no longer worthy of the pedestal, and he or she quickly tumbles off. This usually happens when love bombing dies down and boredom sets in for the narcissist.
Has rigid view of relationships and uncompromising rules: When reflecting on the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, I have two words: open relationship. The Gay Narcissist created an entire infrastructure around his guardianship of the open relationship, so much so I felt like I was in a threesome not with his conquests, but with the amorphous concept of the open relationship itself. Yes, “uncompromising rules” and “rigid views” lines up well.
Exploding, Devaluing, Uncompromising
No, I am certainly not saying that everyone who has an avoidant attachment style is narcissistic. But what’s interesting is how all of these threads weave together into a personality for any given person.
An avoidant attachment style is one of those threads. It could be combined with other personality traits and elements that make someone:
— An fun and trustworthy friend
— A reliable employee
— A caring family member
Despite all of that, maybe—for whatever reason—he or she simply has problems growing close to another person romantically.
But the dynamic changes when keywords like “exploding” and “devaluing” and “uncompromising” are dropped.
It’s undeniable that a lot of these avoidant attachment traits line up with much of the literature describing the personality style of narcissism. So, perhaps if this difficult and antagonistic personality style is pronounced in a person, it’s no wonder that these avoidant patterns are going to show up, too.
Is it safe to say that a person with an avoidant attachment style certainly isn’t narcissistic by default, not at all, but many narcissists have an avoidant attachment style?
It sounds probable to me.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
