I had thought about it often over the years.
What would it be like when the Gay Narcissistic Relationship I shared with the Gay Narcissist ended and I packed up my shit, hired some movers, and said goodbye forever? In my melodramatic imagination I’d daydream of him standing in the doorway watching me walk away, never to be seen again and regretting the loss.
Other times, I had a recurring nighttime dream over the years spanning the Gay Narcissistic Relationship. It was set in the apartment I lived in before meeting the Gay Narcissist. I was quietly unpacking boxes. It was drizzling outside the windows. I could hear the raindrops tapping on the glass. Everything was quiet and gray. I was somber, but also a little bit at peace.
I had this dream maybe four or five times. I daydreamed about breaking up and moving out many more times than that—perhaps countless. But these thoughts and visions were not pleasurable. They caused distress.
So, I ignored them.
I surely knew an unpleasant end of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship and a departure of the Gay Narcissist was fated. The signs were always there, but choosing to ignore them didn’t erase their existence, no matter how much I hoped it would.
The End Of The Post-Discard Days
No one can tell us if we should be friends or not, the Gay Narcissist assured me during one of our last cigarette breaks. The choice to remain in each other’s lives is a decision between him and me, he said adamantly.
“And what if I choose to never speak to you again?” I asked the Gay Narcissist.
Then that’s something I will have to learn to live with for the rest of my life, he replied.
This conversation marked the end of the Post-Discard Days, and the Gay Narcissist’s awareness of it.
Once I stepped over the future’s threshold, I accepted the truth and the reality that the Gay Narcissistic Relationship was over and the Gay Narcissist was no longer a figure in my life. I made a series of precise decisions to ensure the material security of my immediate future.
I found a suitable apartment. I started packing. I hired movers. I amped up my financial frugality.
The Gay Narcissist saw this taking place around him. For once, he was observing me moving on with my life. There was a very real chance he would never see or speak to me ever again; this new reality appeared to make him uncomfortable.
When the Final Narcissistic Discard happened, it was an artificial experience for the Gay Narcissist. He freely unloaded me to make room for the installation of my replacement, the New Supply. But despite that, he largely maintained the benefits of his life with me since we continued living together until our shared lease was over.
I often compare narcissistic individuals to goldfish. Their minds typically dwell in the forever-now of the present as they swim laps back and forth in the shallow and small bowls of their lives, one day at a time. A narcissist wants what he wants when he wants it.
Memories of the past and considerations of the future don’t exist unless, of course, a narcissist is trying to manipulate someone by weaponizing the past in an effort to control the future. Then the vast and dusty archives of old transgressions are opening up with bright-eyed clarity.
The Gay Narcissist Shall Not Pass
The Gay Narcissist’s sudden concern for me continued.
He insisted on helping me move some valuables into my future home, a place I will formally call the “New Apartment.” He offered more than once, and he was insistent. He was so direct he openly admitted he’d like to see the apartment for himself, in person.
Every time he offered, I turned him down. I told him I had it covered and there was no need for him to trouble himself.
It’s always interesting to listen to the tone of a narcissist change, depending on what he wants. Because here, the Gay Narcissist’s tone was sweetened with unassuming friendliness.
I was not fooled.
I often joke that cynicism is a superpower that come to gay guys naturally (along with sarcasm and passive aggressiveness). My own cynicism was returning, because I could easily see through the Gay Narcissist’s overtures.
He could give a damn about helping me.
I strongly suspect the Gay Narcissist wanted to see the New Apartment because he wanted to know about my future without him in some way. He wanted a piece of my new life to compartmentalize away in his psyche, the same way he kept the rings of partners past as trophies. And if that knowledge came from invading a clean and sacred space and corrupting it with his toxic presence, then so be it. That’ll do.
I would be absolutely damned before I’d let that happen.
In rejecting the Gay Narcissist’s help and denying him entry into the New Apartment, I experienced the true power of autonomy, and I relished it.
The New Apartment was mine and not his. I found it, I secured it, and I earned it. He had zero authority in the matter.
I knew it—and he knew it.
And even if my assumptions are incorrect, it is irrelevant. Even if his intention was not befoul the New Apartment with his presence, that would have happened for me.
The Gay Narcissistic Relationship, the Gay Narcissist, the New Supply, the Final Narcissistic Discard, the Post-Discard Days—at long last, the New Apartment was my sanctuary from all of that.
And the Gay Narcissist shall not pass.
Silence And Peace
Still, feelings of inadequacy haunted me.
I couldn’t pinpoint what was bothering me. While I was relieved the drama was coming to a close and I wouldn’t have to deal with the Gay Narcissist anymore, I still felt defeated. A life of settling was all I had, whatever that meant.
You beat up on yourself too much, the Lovely Therapist said.
I brought all of my negativity into the therapy session before the move into the New Apartment to sort out the confusion.
You found your own apartment, you made the calls, you inspected it alone. You made a decision, signed the lease, and paid all deposits and fees in under three days. I know people personally who would be unable to do any of that without someone holding their hand, let alone so fast. That shows real confidence.
Despite her assurances, I was having a hard time taking the Lovely Therapist’s words to heart.
But what did assure me were the keys to the New Apartment. The property owner gave them to me early so I could start moving in at my convenience.
I’d stop by the apartment at random points before the final move. I’d take measurements. I’d considered how I wanted to set the space up. I looked out for needed repairs.
But most importantly, I stood there in silence. The Gay Narcissist was not going to walk through the front door—ever.
What peace I felt.
Don’t Say Goodbye
When the final move happened, the Gay Narcissist was no where to be found. He left for a long weekend with the New Supply.
After we finished our last cigarette break together, he went to get into his car, and I said goodbye to him.
Don’t say goodbye, he said to me, unable to look me in the eye. Just say that you’ll see me later; it’s not like we won’t ever see each other again.
“Well, regardless, I want to say goodbye,” I said.
For once, he appeared more emotional than me as he drove away.
When his car disappeared down the road, I breathed a sigh of relief.
A Deep And Mighty Rest
When the final move was over, and the last of the boxes were stacked in the New Apartment and the moving team was paid, I showed everyone out and locked the front door behind me.
I pressed both hands on the wood and drew in a breath as though I was going to sob.
But I didn’t.
Nothing happened.
There were no wet eyes. There was no snotty nose. Quite the contrary—for the first time in a long time I felt okay.
The Gay Narcissist was finally gone.
And for that, I slept deeply and mightily that night, never waking once.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
