Trust me when I say that the idealization phase of a narcissistic relationship is the most seductive and intoxicating mind-warp you’ll ever experience in a romantic encounter.
It’s why you get swallowed up, and it’s why the relationship overstays its welcome for far too long.
But it’s also the love-bombing stage, through and through. It’s what happens when you first meet the narcissist in your life.
You’re spellbound after a single encounter.
None of this is surprising, though, since many promises have been made early on:
You are it.
You are the one.
You are the soul mate.
You are love’s first kiss.
And—most importantly—you are the person the narcissist has been looking for their entire life, and you will be the one to succeed where all past partners have failed.
Meanwhile, your brain is electrified by the rapid-fire intensity of the love bombing taking place. You start believing the lightning-hot script very, very quickly.
But, honestly? How could you not believe it? After all, you are now the new and improved perfect soulmate.
You have been assured over and over and over again by endless text messages, phone calls, video chats, emails, dates, weekend getaways, and full-blown vacations over the course of days and weeks.
When the love bombing is this intense, it is impossible not to believe you’re the final stop on this person’s forever-rampaging train ride of dysfunctional romance.
Three Magic Words
The enthralling words—I LOVE YOU—are spoken after only a few briefs weeks—maybe even mere days. And with those words, the pact is sealed.
You are officially in.
Yes, love bombing does feel incredible, but it’s the most insidious aspect of a narcissistic relationship. It’s the most devastating of the abuse because you are forever fighting to win back the initial experience.
The manipulation is mind-warping as you tell yourself to try harder tomorrow if you have any hope of returning to the beginning days you shared with your partner.
Simply put—it’s indoctrination. You’re now serving in a cult of one.
But you know what?
I personally do not believe it’s a complete calculation.
In fact, I’d take it even further and argue the reason why a narcissistic person is so convincing during the love-bombing phase is because he believes everything he’s saying and doing.
At first, anyway.
A Different Perspective On Romantic Chemistry
Feeling quote-unquote swept off your feet is an understatement after you develop feelings for a narcissistic person.
You are swept off your feet, sure. But in no time at all, you’ll find yourself sucked into the violent elements of a raging emotional storm.
This is where I strongly recommend reading The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Narcissist Codependent Trap by Ross Rosenberg.
Because after reading this book, I personally realized that individuals with narcissistic traits experience a powerful emotional rush when meeting a new target of interest. In fact, the emotional rush is so intense that it looks like a drug addiction.
The fourth chapter of The Human Magnet Syndrome is titled “Why We Continue To Fail Chemistry And Math,” and it is here that Rosenberg explores the subconscious roots of human attraction.
And, it should be noted now that there’s some bad news for anyone who believes in the magic of romantic chemistry.
So, with that, let’s explore.
If you follow along with Freud’s Psychodynamic Perspective, then you’re going to mimic in your adult relationships the attachment styles you learned in childhood.
These styles exist largely within your subconscious, but they actively manifest in your behaviors and feelings.
This accounts for rapid heartbeats, sweaty palms, and butterflies in the stomach.
So, with that in mind, here’s an important question to ask yourself:
Did you believe you hit the romantic jackpot in the early days of your narcissistic relationship?
Think again.
Unabashed Infatuation
What was happening was your subconscious pushing you into a familiar and comfortable dynamic, even if it was not healthy for you.
As Rosenberg explains, these “unconscious interpersonal preferences” inform an individual’s relationship instincts and forms the individual’s relationship template.
This relationship template dictates what a person believes he or she deserves in any kind of relationship, ranging from romantic partners to friends to coworkers.
It should be noted here that Rosenberg describes the partners of narcissists as codependent after finding themselves trapped in these relationships.
With this in mind, it’s especially interesting when a narcissist and a codependent meet and fall in love.
Because such a union is intense—very intense.
Rosenberg posits that both codependents and narcissists are combatting internal shame and a gnawing fear of loneliness.
The codependent has awareness of this fact, but the narcissist does not.
Because these psychological opposites are so dramatically tempting to one another, a fast and intense relationship takes root.
But it is crucial to remember that none of this reflects true intimacy.
It is all about unabashed infatuation, red flags be damned.
And beware of whiplash from the sheer speed at which these relationships take off.
Give Me An “L” For Limerence
While Rosenberg never uses the words love bombing or idealization in his book, he does talk about the all-important concept of limerence.
Limerence was pioneered by American psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence.
Limerence is the intangible force that animates a narcissistic relationship in its early days.
It causes obsessive thoughts, feelings of unbridled passion, and an addictive need for reciprocation.
In Rosenberg’s own words:
Chemistry is where opposite attraction begins, and limerence is where it blows up into a fireworks display.
The initial love-obsessed—or limerent—phase of a standard passionate relationship lines up perfectly with the love-bombing phase of a narcissistic relationship.
That’s because the narcissist in drunk on the early days of limerence.
Unfortunately, so too is the love-bombed target.
As described by Tennov, these are some of the key points of limerence:
— Intrusive thinking about the “limerent object”
— Acute longing for reciprocation
— Fear of rejection and unsettling shyness in the limerent object’s presence
— Intensification through adversity
— Aching in the chest or stomach when uncertainty is strong
— Buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident
— Ignoring all other concerns and responsibilities
— Emphasizing what is admirable in the limerent object while avoiding any negative qualities
All of these intense feelings are possible because the brain is saturated in dopamine and norepinephrine when limerence takes root.
And—as an added bonus—the drop in serotonin levels makes the situation worse.
According to Rosenberg, this kind of imbalanced brain chemistry causes thoughts and actions akin to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Believing The Scam
When taking all of this into consideration, it sounds an awful lot like love bombing.
And if this armchair observation of mine is at all valid, it makes the love-bombing tactics of a narcissist all the more dangerous.
Because it’s not just a manipulation to achieve an end.
The narcissistic person believes the scam.
At least in the beginning, anyway.
This post is an edited version of the script for my YouTube video:
Do Narcissists Experience Limerence When Love Bombing New Supply?
The YouTube script is adapted from my December 2019 blog post:
Inside The Narcissist’s Head During Love Bombing And Limerence | Ross Rosenberg Explains
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