The mystery of what was in the Shutterfly envelope was eating me alive.
Days after the Gay Narcissist received it and disappeared into his bedroom to inspect its contents, I was obsessed with seeing for myself what he had cooked up.
At first, I promised myself I would not go snooping.
Rather, I was going to start accepting the fact that the Gay Narcissist had discarded me and replaced me with the New Supply. No matter how tumultuous this truth made me feel, I was going to do everything I could to force myself to accept it.
“You keep trying to figure out if you can fix the relationship and get [the Gay Narcissist]back,” the Lovely Therapist said to me during one of our sessions.
I sat with a pout on my face and stared at her. “Yes.”
“But he’s already moved on and is putting all of his energy into someone new.”
That was one of the most difficult things to hear at the time, and nothing despaired me more.
All hope was lost. The relationship was over and the man I believed to be “the one” and my “soul mate” was lost forever.
I didn’t bother, during those early days, to consider myself or my own feelings as something worthy of my attention and care. Everything was consumed with the Gay Narcissist. The life I envisioned him having without me was my limbo, and I stumbled around the shadows of my past trying to find a way out.
But I had guides, aside from the Lovely Therapist.
And the words of these guides became mantras when I felt lost—which was every hour of every day for longer than I care to admit.
The Mind’s Subterranean Depths
In the weeks and months following the narcissistic discard and my replacement with the New Supply at the hands of the Gay Narcissist, I searched high and low for an understanding of his behaviors and actions.
The essay by the Little Shaman, “What Happens When A Narcissist Discards You,” was one I found early on and read over and over again. When I felt grief and madness squeezing my mind with the pressure of a vice, I’d open this post up on my phone and read through it. Sometimes I’d do so two, three, even four times in a row.
Another psychological salve was the blog post by Savannah Grey of Esteemology titled, “Narcissists And Betrayal.”
Two more were written by Natasha Adamo. Originally I read these essays on her Post Male Syndrome website, which has since been rebranded to NatashaAdamo.com officially.
The posts are:
“Is My Ex Happier In His New Relationship?”
“Rebound Relationships: Five Signs Your Ex Is In One And Why They Fail”
Needless to say, there are countless other blogs I read during the Post-Discard Days, and it’s a worthy writeup to explore all of the writers and content producers who provided me with valuable tools that helped me move out of the emotional trauma of the narcissistic relationship I was emerging from. I will always be indebted to the words of these writers.
Interestingly, as I read some of these blogs over and over again, they became far more than disparate posts I found through Google.
Instead, they became like prayers and mantras and oracles, and their writers all formed a collective High Priestess in my imagination. These writers guided me through the darkness of my mind’s most subterranean depths, not unlike how the Cumaean Sibyl guided Aeneas through on his journey to the Underworld.
And I needed all the guidance I could get when I discovered the secrets of the Shutterfly envelope.
The Secret Revealed
The Gay Narcissist rarely closed his bedroom door. Thus, I looked in as much as possible when he was not around.
And no matter how much I implored myself to not snoop, I always caved and did. But this time I was on a mission to discover the Shutterfly secret.
It did not take much searching. I found it in his nightstand drawer.
It was a personalized book with a title that celebrated “life” as an “adventure” between the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply. Below the title was a picture of them kissing each other.
My body quaked with tremors. My heart pounded. My breathing raced.
But despite the panic that washed over me, I pressed on and opened the book.
What can I say? It was a small custom-made photo book of the weekend trip the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply took together. Page after page, the smiles of the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply were on full display. Every turn I made was a testament to how perfect they were together, and what a failure and loser I was.
How did I ever stand a chance against a relationship as perfect as this?
“Totally Creeped Out”
“Since you have the book, can I see it?” the Prickly European said to me on the phone.
I called him in a fit of maddened hysteria as I held the book in my hand; I was ready to confine myself to a straitjacket for the rest of my life. As such, he always made himself available to listen to me bitch and complain about my life. I suspected he enjoyed the drama. Still, he usually offered good insight, so it was a fair tradeoff.
Of course, I took photos of “the Book” as it’s come to be called among my confidants. I cataloged the entire thing.
Why?
To torment myself over it. I wanted to look at, analyze, and study every single detail of every single picture on every single page in order to figure out…
Figure out what exactly? I still don’t know.
I sent the Prickly European the photos I took.
“All right, so, first of all, if someone gave me a book like this in… how long has it been? One month?”
“Yes, about a month,” I said.
“Okay, if someone gave me this book a month into us seeing each other, I’d be totally creeped out and would run the other way.”
I remained silent.
“Another thing—this is way too much of a show… [the Gay Narcissist]is trying way too hard to make this look real.”
Selfish Goals
Despite the wisdom of the Prickly European, I could not let go of the great fear that the New Supply truly was the “soul mate” of the Gay Narcissist.
It’s important to jettison the fairytale bullshit as soon as possible so you can begin to understand and respect the complexity of human relationships. I stalled way too long, and the importance of the book to me at the time of its discovery is a symptom of that.
Still, I did small things to help ease my sanity back into calmness.
After the book was put away, and I had ended the call with the Prickly European, I returned to the blog posts I mentioned above.
And I can still remember how important to me the Little Shaman’s essay was, especially this:
Narcissists get bored very easily. Initially, they are intoxicated by the chase and the conquest of a new partner, and they are prone to magical thinking and idealization, which means they often believe all of their problems can be solved by “the right person.”
It has nothing to do with you or how great you are, though.
Their goals are all selfish.
They aren’t looking for a partnership or trying to build a life with someone or anything of the sort. They are looking for a person who will do things – solely for them. This is, of course, not reasonable, or possible, or realistic in any way.
No one can fix another person. Dating or marrying someone does not make a psychological disorder go away. It does not magically erase the past or turn a person into someone else.
As I read those words over and over again, I hoped that the Little Shaman was right.
* * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
