The idealization phase of a narcissistic relationship is the most seductive and intoxicating mind-fuck you’ll ever experience in a romantic relationship. It’s why you get swallowed up, and it’s why the relationship far overstays its welcome.
The idealization phase, more aptly referred to as “love bombing,” happens when you first meet your narcissist (or psychopath for the truly unfortunate) and you’re spellbound after a single encounter.
You’re it. You’re the one. You’re the soul mate. You’re love’s first kiss. You’re the person the narcissist has been looking for his entire life, and you’ll succeed where all past partners have failed.
Your brain is so electrified by the rapid-fire, lightning-hot intensity of the love bombing that you start believing the script—very, very quickly.
After all, how could you not be your new partner’s soul mate?
You’re assured over and over and over again by a torrent of texts and phone calls and video chats and emails and invitations and dates and weekend getaways and full-blown vacations over the ensuing days and weeks that it’s impossible not to believe you’re the final stop on the narcissist’s forever-rampaging train ride of romance. And when the pact is sealed with the enthralling words of I Love You after only a few briefs weeks, the psychological enslavement is complete.
Yes, love bombing does feel incredible, but it’s the most insidious aspect of a narcissistic relationship. It’s the most devastating of the abuse (because you’re forever fighting to win these experiences back) and the most mind-warping of the manipulation (maybe if you try a little bit harder tomorrow, the beauty of the early days will return).
Simply put, it’s indoctrination. You’re now serving in a cult of one.
But I’d also argue that the narcissist is so damn convincing during the love-bombing phase because he believes everything he’s saying and doing.
A Different Perspective On Romantic Chemistry
Feeling “swept off your feet” is given new meaning when falling in love with a narcissist.
You’re swept off your feet and sucked into the violent elements of a thrashing, raging storm. And if you read The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Narcissist Codependent Trap by Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT, you’ll realize this all transpires because of an intoxication the narcissist experiences upon meeting a new partner, and it looks an awful lot like drug addiction.
In the fourth chapter of The Human Magnet Syndrome, “Why We Continue To Fail ‘Chemistry’ And ‘Math,’” Rosenberg explores the subconscious roots of human attraction. And there’s some bad news for anyone who believes in the magical experience of relational chemistry.
If you follow along with Freud’s Psychodynamic Perspective, then you’re going to mimic the attachment styles you learned in childhood throughout your adult relationships. These styles exist largely within your subconscious, but their active manifestations account for the feelings of rapid heartbeats, sweaty palms, and “butterflies” in the stomach. You think you hit the relational jackpot in the early days of your narcissistic relationship? Think again—your subconscious is pushing you into a relationship you’re familiar and comfortable with, even if it’s not healthy for you.
As Rosenberg explains, these “unconscious interpersonal preferences” inform an individual’s relationship instincts and forms the individual’s relationship template, which dictates what he or she believes is wanted and deserved in any relationship, from romantic partners to friends to coworkers.
This gets especially interesting when a pathological narcissist and a codependent meet and fall in love.
These two dysfunctional relationship templates might as well be soaked in gasoline and lit aflame by two desperate matches. Rosenberg posits that both codependents and pathological narcissists are combatting internal shame and a gnawing fear of loneliness (the codependent has awareness of this, whereas the pathological narcissist does not), and because these psychological opposites ignite each other’s relationship template so dramatically, a fast and intense relationship forms.
This isn’t about romantic interest—its all about unabashed infatuation, red flags be damned. And beware of whiplash from the sheer speed at which these relationships take off.
Limerence And Love Bombing
While Rosenberg never uses the words “love bombing” or “idealization,” he does talk about the all-important concept of limerence, as pioneered by American psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence.
Limerence is the intangible force that animates a narcissistic relationship in its early days. It causes obsessive thoughts, feelings of unbridled passion, and an addictive need for reciprocation. In Rosenberg’s own words: “chemistry is where opposite attraction begins, and limerence is where it blows up into a fireworks display.”
The initial love-obsessed—or limerent—phase of a standard passionate relationship lines up a little too well with what the idealization/love-bombing phase of a narcissistic relationship looks like. That’s because the narcissist (and the unfortunate love-bombed man or woman) are in the early days of limerence.
As described by Tennov in her 1979 book, the attributes of limerence are:
— Intrusive thinking about the “limerent object”
— Acute longing for reciprocation
— Some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerence through vivid imagining of action by the limerent object
— Fear of rejection and unsettling shyness in the limerent object’s presence
— Intensification through adversity
— Acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent “reasonable” explanations for why neutral actions are a sign of hidden passion in the limerent object
— Aching in the chest or stomach when uncertainty is strong
— Buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident
— General intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background
— Remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the limerent object and to avoid dwelling on the negative or render it into another positive attribute
— Experiencing these feelings for only one limerent object at a time
All of these intense feelings are made possible by a deluge of dopamine and norepinephrine flooding the brain. And to make matters more intensely worse, serotonin levels drop. This kind of imbalanced brain chemistry can cause thoughts and actions akin to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, according to Rosenberg.
This all sounds an awful lot like love bombing to me.
And if this armchair observation of mine is at all valid, it makes the love-bombing tactics of a narcissist all the more dangerous, because it’s more than a simple manipulation to achieve an end.
He believes his own racket as much as you do—at least in the beginning, anyway.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
3 Comments
Hats off to you Sir, bc you get it. I was astouned when I came accross the concept of limerence – realizing I was a serial Limerent all my life – that nobody made the obvious connection, that limerence is simply the way a cluster b experiences “love”. Therefore I finally realized that a.) narcissists are (for the most part) just as unconscious about their own behavior like everybody else and b.) that I am a covert narcissist without ever realizing it, eventhough I spottet so many of them in my life and I knew everything about the DSM5 beforehand, I still couldn’t see that I am myself being a narcissist, bc I always thought of narcissists being these evil concious manipulating creatures, instead of them being ruled (unconciously) by their self-protection mechanisms (mood alterations), that were developed by their genes + childtrauma. Narcissist think of themselves as decent, good people. Thats the truth.
Still, despite matching with almost all characteristics of the dsm5, I don’t rage at people, I can take concrete critism wirhout going into a full blown rage, and I have (this is what I perceive anyhow) a lot of empathy…yet I have these grandious daily phantasies that I use to regulate myself worth and I look down (internally) on most people I encounter, can’t help it…
This article as well as comment resonated with me to the point of – revelation. I have never been in love in a healthy way. It is what I crave now is a sense of normalcy in acceptance of and being accepted by another person . My last episode was with an extreme narcissist who was able to string me along for over 7 years. Periods of time with out the physical presence of this person far outweighed the actual romance/ as he kept me at bay and accepted that position. When he noted I was giving up, he would sprinkle magic dust and I would’ve back under his spell. In the long run in hindsight the engagement seems like an impossible juggling act but the actual outcome feels more like I had sold my very soul heart mind and body. I recignize that I displayed zero sense of self respect. I further know this all to be the outset of childhood trauma. Loved by a mother codependent to her husband and a deeply wounded father. What sort of role model could I have ever amounted to for my children. Now I know fully why they suffer in relating to others and most importantly, SELF. During this last episode of mine, I could always see the mirror that we served to be for one another and the pain that I too am not only prone to Limerence but I am too a narcissist. I could see his overt narcissism quite clearly. I knew it would be our demise but I continued to ignore the unruly outbursts of anger, ill-projected jealous emotional accusations. When I implored him to see how these behaviors probably play out in every encounter if his, he called me crazy. I find that I personally tend to sabotage any possibility of healthy encounters out of fear I may be walking into a trap but what is actually happening is energy that is not part of my comfort zone. I pray for healthy love but I repeat the pattern. Again, thank you for the way in which you have clearly stated the signs and symptoms so very poignantly.
Here is what you have to do in order to break the circle:
1. Everytime you feel sad, unworthy, nervous or anxious – try to analyse what negative (unconscious) self believe lays behind that feelin/triggered it.
2. Write all these negative self believes (which come from early childhood) on a sheet of paper.
3. Replace these negative statements with positive ones i.o. turn them imto positive ones! Use only positive words.
4. Buy the software subliminal360 and use your positive statements for thr programm.
5. Get healed.