I cannot count how many times the Prickly European and I have had conversations where we talk about new guys we’ve struck up conversations with and like a bit.
These chats always follow the same pattern.
We talk about how we met the guy (usually on an app), what we like about him (usually his looks and some superficial things like shared hobbies and interests), and then we default to the gallows humor of predicting when the whole thing will crash and burn.
I give it less than a month, I’d say.
Honey, you’ll be lucky if he doesn’t flake out and ghost you by the end of the week, the Prickly European says in response.
Unfortunately, the Prickly European’s cynicism was often times more correct than my tempered optimism. Call me a fool, but I usually believe the bullshit heaped on me by guys when they show interest, throw out some flattery, line up with my shared interests, and then tell me how they’re different from everyone else.
Oh, and these guys invariably hate ghosting and flaking out. It’s something they never do.
I’m promised they’ll never cancel and that they’re above all that petty behavior.
And then I typically never hear from them again.
Hot And Cold
Sure, maybe it’s me.
I have no proof that it’s not.
But one pattern that stands out to me above all others when meeting new guys is the hot and cold behavior.
This isn’t hyperbole—I find it disturbing when faced with the quick vacillation of hot and cold, in and out, here and there, yes and no, back and force. I can’t quite rationalize in my mind how someone can be so hyper attentive one day, to only then turn completely distant and frigid the next.
Don’t get me wrong. I cognitively understand whats up:
The feigned interest in question is the act of a disturbed character, and once the disturbed character gets what he wants, he’s done putting in effort and pulls away.
When I emerged from the Gay Narcissistic Relationship years ago and dipped my toe hesitantly back into the hopeless and depressing world of gay dating, I received quite the wakeup call of what to expect going forward. And it turned out to be far more hopeless and depressing than I originally thought.
It is a true statement that many individuals who emerge and move on from narcissistic and antagonistic relationships do develop a skill for identifying future troublemakers who have no interest at all in building anything meaningful.
I’m not blubbering about wedding bells and picket fences, either. I simply mean going out on a small series of dates where the other guy keeps your dates, is on time, is engaged in conversation, and puts in at least some effort.
But from what I’ve seen and experienced, even that’s asking a lot.
What You See Is What You Get
Here’s an example.
A couple of years ago I met someone I liked a lot for very shallow reasons. I’ll call this guy the “Charming Seducer” so he has an identifier.
I was very attracted to the Charming Seducer physically; he hit all the marks of what I like in a guy’s appearance. His charm and seductive skills were sharp, too. And after awhile the situation intensified because we had some shared interests.
From the beginning, this guy was incredibly complimentary and flirtatious with me over text. But when I wanted to move the chat over into the real world with a meeting, he found every and any excuse to dodge. As Natalie Lue says over on Baggage Reclaim, he always had a schedule busier than that of a world leader.
And you know what? Fair enough. If someone only wanted to chat a little but not meet, then so be it.
But this was not the situation with the Charming Seducer. He dodged and avoided my invitations to hang out, resulting in me pulling away and backing off. But then he’d always come back, sniffing around for my attention. And the cycle would start anew.
Now, let me make it clear: I knew he was trouble from the beginning.
Before I met the Gay Narcissist, I held a classical view of human psychology and the development of personality. I believed that the difficult behaviors of a person were only a defense for something bad, but underneath he’s truly a great guy worth the effort.
But as Dr. George Simon describes in his book, Character Disturbance (which is an incredible read that I highly recommend), the traditional multi-dimensional perspective of personality is how we should view people as individuals.
Simon says that we have a “constitutional predisposition” that are both biological and environmental, and they all coalesce into the creation of a personality—which is then pretty much set.
Yes, you can make some shifts around the edges of your behavior (though these shifts require a great deal of conscious effort and a true desire to act differently). But the personality itself remains intact and resistant to change.
It’s very much a situation of what you see is what you get.
Testing The Limits
Let’s return to the Charming Seducer.
When I first started talking with him, I was already out of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship a couple of years and my sixth sense for dysfunction was sharp. And I knew he was trouble because of how he was behaving on consistent basis.
He was complimenting me too much.
He was complaining about his own woes too much.
He was attentive one minute, only to then up and vanish too much.
He’d drop off mid-conversation and I’d not hear from him for days. Now, someone with more self respect would say early on that enough is enough. But self respect is a foreign concept to me, and I just could not help myself. I kept wanting to put my hand in the fire, enough though I kept getting burned.
But it was this guy’s hot-and-cold behavior that ultimately pushed me to call it quits, because I find it the most upsetting pattern in toxic and dysfunctional relationships. Nothing stings quite like a broken promise from a person you like—no matter how big or small.
All of the hot and cold behavior displayed by the Charming Seducer looked like a compulsion. It appeared as if he wanted to see just how much he could get away with and just how far he could push me before he’d get called out.
A Quiet Exit
There’s another concept I don’t explore enough in my writings.
Self respect.
It’s an alien concept to me, and I’ve only started building it up later in life. Even now, at the age of 39, I have plenty more to do.
But distancing myself from people who exhibit hot and cold behavior during dating is something I actively practice. When a guy comes on way too strong, only to then cool off when he gets what he wants—I stop and take notice.
I personally struggle with heeding the early red flags and warning signs I see in gay men. Excessive flattery and compliments are a big one. I love it and find it addictive because of my own self-loathing, but I’m also suspicious when someone showers me with a great deal of praise early on.
But my resistance is growing.
I fall to pieces less when a guy starts running cold after a hot spell, and I call it quits easier. I also see through the manipulations employed for second chances and don’t give in.
A quiet exit from your interactions with dysfunctional people and their abusive manipulative behaviors will always serve you well.
