Of the many, many, many problems in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship from my past, the biggest one was the so-called “open relationship” component.
The whole open relationship thing turned into a convoluted nightmare really fast. It was weaponized at every turn by my toxic ex, whom I call the Gay Narcissist.
In fact, I was in an open relationship for most of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship.
How fitting that the topic initially came up the morning of my first Gay Pride with the Gay Narcissist.
The Gay Narcissist was all smiles and promises as he broached the whole thing.
And before anyone could say “bad idea,” the conversation turned into the preliminary setting down of rules and regulations.
I had nothing to worry about, he told me. I was his one true love above all else. We’d go on this journey of exploration together. Nothing was allowed that could jeopardize our core relationship in any way.
It would never ever interfere with our love for one another.
I thought to myself, “hey, why not?” Besides, these open relationships are quite fashionable among gay men, anyway.
I also trusted the Gay Narcissist implicitly. He told me I was the love of his life and his soulmate. I believe him every time he said it.
It also sounded like fun.
But… oh… dear… how wrong I was… on all fronts.
Rules And Regulations
Open relationships are all the rage these days. Go on any gay dating app, and you’ll see at least half of all men on them are attached in some way.
Some are dating… some are partnered… some are engaged… some married… But they have one thing in common. They’re all looking.
This is the question, though. Can open relationships last?
Sure, I guess, so long as there’s some kind of mutual understanding and respect between both men involved.
But forget it if you’re in any kind of narcissistic relationship.
Getting back to my personal circumstances, I was warned by outsiders about the drama open relationships bring.
They require constant maintenance and lots of talks, I was told. It had to be constantly taken care of… like a baby.
I rolled my eyes. Not my open relationship, I thought. No, never.
The Gay Narcissist was a good man. Our love was true.
But… deep down I knew the truth.
The first sign was this. The “rules” of the arrangement were forever in flux as time passed and the Gay Narcissist revealed his true character to me.
He eventually started amending the rules and regulations whenever he saw fit. The changes always suited his whims.
If I was ever brazen enough to open my mouth in defiance, he’d get angry and start arguing with me to shut me up and put me back in my place.
Despite all of this, I tried to fool myself into believing I had a mature and loving relationship. But my confidence was grossly embellished.
As weeks turned into months, and those months into years, the open relationship was a primary focus of the Gay Narcissist.
He was obsessed with it. And I, in turn, found myself growing jealous of IT—some stupid amorphous idea.
Our relationship moldered as the years passed.
My bitterness and resentment grew as the narcissistic supply I provided went stale.
This prompted the Gay Narcissist to hunt for fresh supply, and the open relationship was his prized vehicle. Because of this, he stood forever ready and vigilant to defend the sanctity of the arrangement.
The open relationship morphed into a blood oath I was honor-bound to uphold and obey.
Anything short was high treason.
Cheap Words
This statement—practically word for word—was said to me countless times to shut me up:
“No matter what, you know I love you and I will always come home to you.”
It meant a lot to me at the time, but now I laugh. Talk about cheap words.
Narcissists use words as a tool to maintain control. That’s it.
But at the time these kinds of statements provided me with my own form of codependent supply. However, deep down I knew they did not mean much.
For the day did come—the day the Gay Narcissist did not come home to me.
I was out. The New Supply was in. And that was that.
All of the fighting and struggling and bargaining was a waste of time. I was resisting an inevitable future.
And in the process I was auctioning off pieces of my integrity to the one person who deserved absolutely nothing from me.
Stone-Cold Admission
During one of the many post-breakup talks I had with the Gay Narcissist, I asked him a very pointed question.
“What would you have done if I asked to close the relationship?”
He was silent and his stare was as unflinching as stone as he sat opposite me.
“I probably would have just cheated on you or broke up with you,” the Gay Narcissist said in an even tone.
“But I knew you’d never ask to close it because you were afraid I’d break up with you.”
He paused, having heard himself finally say the truth. It appeared to unsettle him a bit.
I, however, was full-on unnerved by the stone-cold admission.
So—in hindsight—what was the harm of entering into an open relationship with the Gay Narcissist?
I had my answer.
This post is an edited version of the script for my YouTube video:
Narcissists Love Open Relationships
The YouTube script is adapted from my July 2021 blog post:
Narcissists And Open Relationships | “I Will Always Come Home To You”
