Whenever I talk to gay men in their twenties and early thirties, a great many of them are fixated on finding the perfect storybook romance.
That sure brings back memories.
When I was younger and stupider than I am now, one thing was absolutely certain in my life.
I needed a man.
No—I was desperate for a man.
But I wasn’t just looking for anyone. I was looking for the perfect person. It was an ideal love I hunted for. I was looking for a man to take away all my woes and cure every possible problem I had in my life. My self worth had the value of sewer water and the only way to fix it was to find a man to tell me my worth.
And I found that man in the Gay Narcissist.
To date, there are over 50 posts on this website explaining how the Gay Narcissist did not turn out to be the person I thought he was, even though I was suspicious of it from the very beginning. Still, I had the narrative of a fairytale I insisted on maintaining, even though the reality of the whole thing was a horror story.
But just because I personally found myself saddled to an asshole, does that mean all gay men should sacrifice their doe-eyed quest for a Disney-worthy love story? That’s a personal choice for every gay man to make for himself.
But I know that not only have I, personally, trashed that idea, but I’m better off for it.
Let me explain.
Omitted Words Versus Clear Actions
It’s no secret that I believe there’s a strong strain of narcissism running through the gay community.
This is not a “diagnosis” that all gay men have “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”
It’s an acknowledgment of pervasive patterns of behavior I’ve seen in gay men I’ve encountered. These are gay men I am friends with, gay men I’ve dated, and gay men I’ve worked with.
And guess what?
A great deal of the checklist traits outlined in books on narcissism like Should I Stay Or Should I Go by Dr. Ramani Durvasula or The Narcissist You Know by Dr. Joseph Burgo are quite common in all of my anecdotal gay men.
It’s not just me. I’m still surprised how many gay men privately reach out to me sharing their stories of pain and hardship after enduring abusive and invalidating relationships with entitled, callous, dramatic, and manipulative gay men.
Most importantly—don’t forget about the handbook describing narcissistic behavior exhibited by gay men, and then how to work on overcoming it. I speak of The Velvet Rage by Dr. Alan Downs.
I do not want to attribute specific words to Alan Downs. He never once said in his book that all gay men are narcissists, or that many gay men exhibit narcissistic behaviors. But I personally believe he did this because he didn’t want to further pathologize gay men with a strong (and very popular) label. Again, those are my words and my beliefs. They are not his, at all.
But it does not change the fact that the sum total of his book is a crash course in the narcissistic patterns exhibited by gay men. Yes, he omits the words. The actions, however, are plainly and clearly outlined.
And the hunt for external validation seems to be at the center of it all.
The Validation Addiction
There are many passages I have highlighted in The Velvet Rage.
This practice certainly helps with the writing I do here.
But I’m often surprised how often I refer back to those highlighted passages just to reread what Alan Downs has said on the topics of gay men seeking validation—especially when it comes to sex and romance.
One of those particular passages from Dr. Alan Downs in The Velvet Rage is the following:
The acquisition of validation is so rewarding that we become validation junkies. The more we get, the more we crave it, the better we feel, and the harder it becomes for us to tolerate invalidation.
Our houses become showplaces that elicit kudos from all who enter. Our bodies become chiseled in muscle, pleasing our bedroom guests. We work to become wealthy so that we can take regular and exotic excursions around the world that bring us excitement and worldly sophistication that is recognized and adored by other wealthy, worldly travelers. We write books, create the world’s most recognized art, and collect everything from stamps to the finest pedigree bulldogs.
Explore the finest of anything in this world and you will always find gay men clustered about the helm.
And, of course, we include sex in our search for validation. Many gay men collect encounters with beautiful, sexy men like a museum might hoard all the David Hockney or Edward Hopper paintings it can possibly afford.
Alan Downs postulates that the “toxic shame” a gay man has felt toward his sexuality since early childhood is the root cause of this shallow pursuit for external validation.
He calls it “toxic shame.”
I call it the “core insecurity.”
But whatever you want to call it, it leads to the a validation addiction.
“Without Much Hesitation”
Readers of my blog will understand why this section is also a favorite:
One area in stages one and two where the vicious cycle is quite evident is when a gay man jumps from one relationship to another, seemingly without much hesitation in between.
Because the shame over a failed relationship is too distressing, he chooses to fill his mind with other things rather than rethinking the memory of the failed relationship. Of course, there’s no better distraction in life than to fall head over heels for another man.
By throwing himself into another relationship quickly, there is little time or energy to mull over the problems of the past. When memories do surface, he often handles them by blaming them on the shortcomings of his former partner.
The more he pushes the memories away, the more effectively he avoids shame.
I’ve experienced this personally with the Final Narcissistic Discard that was enacted by the Gay Narcissist when he left me for the New Supply.
But I’ve also seen this happen among many, many gay men writ large in my personal life. Whenever the going gets the tiniest bit tough, they will sink into the digital pits of Grindr and Scruff, looking for a random man to sooth uneasy feelings. Usually it doesn’t even lead to sex. Anymore, that seems rarer and rarer.
No, it’s the attention. It’s the validation.
And it’s a complete addiction.
And nothing more meaningful can take shape until the addition is challenged and managed.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
