“Do you want to be a doormat? I mean, some people lead very successful lives as doormats. Look at Jackie.”
This comment was made during a lunch with the Mutual Acquaintance I shared with the Gay Narcissist. The lunch took place mere weeks before the Final Narcissistic Discard. I was still desperately clinging to any hope that my relationship with the Gay Narcissist was still salvageable. All I wanted to believe was that we’d make it through like we always did.
My body knew better. I had zero appetite and began loosing weight (the one thing I miss from those days). I felt minute-to-minute tension every hour of every day. I was simultaneously my own prisoner and my own jailer.
“What would you do?” I asked the Mutual Acquaintance.
My bags would have been packed and I would have been long gone by now, he told me.
That was not my course of action. Not only was I worried about saving my gay narcissistic relationship—I was also gravely worried about the Gay Narcissist’s wellbeing. I convinced myself he needed me. I spun a story in my head that he could not survive without me, even though he was clearly doing exactly that (and quite well) despite my best efforts.
“I can’t just leave him. I’m worried about him,” I said to the Mutual Acquaintance.
You should be more worried about yourself, he said.
Room-Temperature Assurances
Despite all the warnings from the outside world, the Gay Narcissist gave me room-temperature assurances that seeing was not believing. Worry not—we were going to work out the relationship.
Anyone with any sense would have seen through his lazy and disaffected pinky promises. But I was a sniveling and desperate zombie. My complete and total purpose in life was to save the relationship and continue calling the Gay Narcissist my “partner.”
Even after the Final Narcissistic Discard happened and I was well into the Post-Discard Days, I was living my life on the auto-pilot setting of servitude and pacification.
I rationalized that a business-as-usual approach was the best way to get through each day until our shared lease was up and it was time to move out and away from the Gay Narcissist permanently. I tried my best to just keep the peace and keep myself from boiling over.
But I don’t think the Gay Narcissist wanted that.
It’s speculation on my part, but I have always suspected he wanted to continue poisoning the well of my mind with thoughts about my failures and the successes of the New Supply. Because so long as he did this, he could continue to soak up the narcissistic supply of my desperation and grief.
At the beginning of the Post-Discard Days I was overtly told that the New Supply was everything I could never be. There were no hard feelings, We had a good run. Of this, the Gay Narcissist assured me.
Oh, and I shouldn’t worry. The Gay Narcissist learned from all of the mistakes made with me. He assured me he would not make them again in his new relationship with the New Supply.
Oh, good. At least that weight was off of my mind.
Freedom And Guilt
The months passed and the end of the Post-Discard Days approached.
I swallowed hard and faced the truth that it was time to tap into my reptilian brain. I needed to protect and take care of myself, and that started with looking for my own apartment. I didn’t want to, but I had to.
Getting started is almost always the hardest part of any challenge. Because once I got past that and found myself looking at ads and talking to realtors, something changed. I almost liked it. I started to taste freedom, and it tasted sweet.
Then I felt guilty.
I felt guilty for so easily “giving up” on all that I held dear for far too many years. I twisted my priorities right back to the Gay Narcissist and the failed gay narcissistic relationship we shared. I had this maggot of a thought digging around in my brain—still—that I should be trying to save the fucking thing. And if I could not save it, I should at least be grieving and ruminating over it with white-knuckled obsession.
But these warped thoughts lessened a small bit each day. Little by little, I ignored the misplaced guilt and started focusing that energy on a fresh start.
Giving Reality One Last Twist
Meanwhile, as the Post-Discard Days neared their conclusion, the reality that I’d soon be gone was apparent to the Gay Narcissist.
It was plain to him that there was a very real chance he’d never see me again. And if he did, I would no longer be the same source of narcissistic supply I once was.
Because of this, I have a hunch the Gay Narcissist wanted to give my sense of reality one last twist before I was gone once and for all. For good measure.
I’ve mentioned before that the Gay Narcissist protected his phone with an iron grip throughout our relationship. But as the Post-Discard Days waned, he started leaving the device completely unguarded.
One time in particular, the phone was sitting in the dead center on an otherwise empty kitchen counter. It might as well have been left helpless on a sacrificial altar.
The home button begged to be pressed.
Don’t do it, Steven, I said to myself. Do not press that button. Do not give in.
I gave in immediately.
My toxic curiosity revealed a phone lock screen displaying the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply together. Their large and beaming smiles taunted me. My chest tightened instantly. My heartbeat turned into a heavy thud.
It worked. Moving out and away no longer mattered. I was, once again, fixated on all I did wrong and all the New Supply was doing right.
Another (and even stranger) incident happened some time later.
I found one of the Gay Narcissist’s books nestled amongst my own on a shared bookshelf in the guest bedroom. The right side was his and the left side was mine.
My attention was grabbed by a long red ribbon hanging from the shelf. I followed the ribbon to the book it was attached to. I opened it, and inside were two photos of the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply together.
Were both of these incidents random events and mistakes that I am assigning too much meaning to?
Or were they subtle gaslighting tactics?
I’m still not sure.
Pettiness And Triviality
I want to return to Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie for a bit. (I first talked about MacKenzie and Psychopath Free in “Narcissism, Boredom, And An Inability To Be Alone.”)
Because when MacKenzie talks about gaslighting in Psychopath Free, he gives special attention to pettiness and triviality of the issues that arise when gaslighting is afoot. It is easier to play with a person’s perception of reality when the instances are not worth a lot of attention.
I must have misheard, you might think.
Maybe I wasn’t paying attention, you might say.
I should listen more closely, you tell yourself.
This is dangerous territory.
As you concede more and more that the toxic person’s perception of reality is right and yours is wrong, the power of the gaslighting grows stronger. You’ll be automatically predisposed to side with the manipulator while distrusting yourself and your allies.
MacKenzie wrote the following in Psychopath Free:
“That’s the thing about conversations that come from gaslighting: they do sound petty… In any normal relationship, you wouldn’t even bat an eye. But with psychopaths, these needless lies happen on a raglan basis, and you find that you’re always getting sucked into ridiculous, pointless conversation that make you seem like an obsessed detective.”
That what it’s like at the height of any toxic relationship.
But how subtle can it be?
Coming back to my own experiences, was the unguarded phone and the seemingly planted book my overactive imagination?
Or was the Gay Narcissist subtly casting out the hooks of some covert gaslighting?
Litigating Authenticity
The Lovely Therapist needed no convincing.
Of course he wanted you to look at the phone and find the book, she said.
I brought details of the two occurrences into a therapy session. Then I litigated their authenticity. But I was the only once who needed convincing.
The Lovely Therapist asked me to explain why an unguarded phone was not highly suspicious, since it was on absolute lockdown throughout the entirety of my gay narcissistic relationship.
The Lovely Therapist wanted to know why a book containing pictures of the Gay Narcissist together with the New Supply mixed amongst my own belongings in a shared room (complete with a hanging read ribbon to grab my attention) was not perversely weird?
“So, you really think he did it all on purpose?” I asked her.
Of course he was, she said.
As far as the Lovely Therapist was concerned, the Gay Narcissist wanted me to find those photos, and he wanted me to look at the phone.
It appears the gaslighting worked, because the only one doubting the reality of the situation was me.
* * *
Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
* * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
