So, I think I’m going to need a favor…” the Gay Narcissist started to say during one of our shared cigarette breaks.
“What?”
The Gay Narcissist continued to tell me that there was an event in the City he wanted to attend with the New Supply. And instead of renting a hotel room, he wanted to stay in our shared house where we were cohabitating after the Final Narcissistic Discard.
I didn’t rage. I didn’t explode. I certainly wanted to, but I didn’t. Raging and exploding would have only weakened my position and strengthened his.
“When?”
I suppressed any tremor in my voice, not wanting to give away how grossed out by the request I was. The senses of the Gay Narcissist were always working on overtime to detect any weakness in me. If at any time he picked up on a breach in the hull that the could take advantage of, he would.
In a few weeks, he told me.
“I’ll have to see.”
Exhausted, Morose, And Confused
Time had long since passed from when the Final Narcissistic Discard happened.
The Gay Narcissist and I were several months into Post-Discard Days. I has started my search for an apartment and I was figuring out all of the odds and ends I’d need to start the next phase of my life—one with the Gay Narcissist gone for good.
But the Gay Narcissist was not finished squeezing every last ounce of dignity out of me.
No, his demands and entitlements were still paramount in his life. And when he wanted something, he was never shy asking me for it. Sure, he’d feign tact and vague overtures of humility. But I knew him well enough by now. I knew how he operated. He believe that despite his actions, he still had rights within the corpse of our relationship. And in his head any request he had was fair to ask for.
He spun a narrative that we had a good run, but it just didn’t work out, we both changed, and that was the end of it. He met someone new, and it should have no bearing on how we interacted.
That was that.
I don’t know if the Gay Narcissist truly believe this. He probably did, to a degree. But I’m also making the mistake of assuming his care or concern ran deep on any issues between us, ever. At the end of it all, the Gay Narcissist was completely unaware of how brazen and callous he was. That’s all that mattered.
And I finally had enough.
I was still so exhausted and morose and confused over everything that happened. I hadn’t even begun to grapple with the weight of not only the Gay Narcissist as a person, but how he happened.
How did I allow someone like that to trample over my life and turn me into a mindless zombie serving all of his needs and obeying all of his whims? I had yet to understand that.
Despite all of the time that had passed during the Post-Discard Days, there was still plenty of post-mortem to do. And I could not properly conduct the operation until I was left to my own devices in peace.
At long last, the Post-Discard Days were ending and it was time for the Gay Narcissist to go.
Ready For The End
This “favor” scenario really ate at me.
I seethed and boiled over it and fell into rumination. I fantasized about all of the dastardly ways I could have handled it if I had any courage at all, any guts in my yellow belly.
But the Lovely Therapist apposed these thoughts. She held the opinion that I handled the situation well.
You didn’t let him draw you into a fight and you did what you had to do to protect yourself, she said to me.
The Lovely Therapist believed the Gay Narcissist wanted a fight, because he knew exactly how to win a fight to achieve his goals. And worse, he enjoyed fighting. These are all themes the Lovely Therapist reminded me of from past sessions.
“I’m just ready for this to end,” I said to her.
You’re almost there, she reminded me.
And along with all of the malignancy the Gay Narcissist brought into my life, something else I was ready to end was my own personal drama.
I had my fill of constantly complaining, of constantly whining, of constantly repeating the same bullshit over and over again.
And while it might sound ungrateful, as the finale of the Post-Discard Days approached, I was tired of the rising sanctimonious attitudes of my support system. Many I talked with believed that he or she had the exact prescription of what I should be doing, and the exact diagnosis of everything I was doing wrong.
I was tired of all that, too.
There was an ever increasing loudness hanging over my life and buzzing in my head, and I was ready for it all to shut up.
“I am just so tired of letting him win,” I told the Lovely Therapist.
You’re never going to change him or his behavior, she said.
The only true loss I could inflict on the Gay Narcissist was ceasing any kind of relationship with him and moving on.
And that would start with moving out.
* * *
Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
* * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
