I don’t remember when the word betrayal first entered my mind.
It took time, though—time after discovering the Gay Narcissist from my past was carrying on an affair with my eventual replacement, the New Supply.
Hurt, sickness, sadness, depression, longing, confusion—these words and their accompanying feelings were all there, along with so many others.
But betrayal?
That was a tough one.
To say the Gay Narcissist betrayed me was a damning accusation, and at the beginning of the Final Narcissistic Discard, I was most comfortable taking all of the blame for the failure of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship.
If I tried harder, then the relationship would have lasted. If I kept my mouth shut and was a better partner, then the relationship would have survived. It was much easier to blame myself versus admitting that I was intentionally targeted by a person I cared for and trusted—and he carried out cold and cruel actions I had absolutely no control over.
Even after I discovered the complete truth of the Gay Narcissist’s affair with the New Supply, I still did not fully see the betrayal. Oh, everyone around me did, and pointed it out. Often and repeatedly.
Still, I couldn’t admit it.
A Forest Fire Of Hurt
Betrayal is a snake strike.
It is as nasty an action done to another person as nasty actions go. So nasty is betrayal that Dante Alighieri reserved the low and frozen circle of hell for those who commit it.
Betrayal is also something gay men do to each other in romantic relationships often—quite often. So common is betrayal among gay men that Dr. Alan Downs reserves a section for it in his powerful book, The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World.
Betrayal is a forest fire of hurt, and the initial sparks before the inferno are the little white lies first told and the subtle dodges first made. As Downs points out, all betrayal is rooted in rationalization. The betrayer in a given situation is ready with his defense of why he is doing what he’s doing. This rationalization is his shield when the truth of the man’s betrayal is exposed.
As with straight couples, probably the most common form of betrayal is infidelity. But for infidelity to transform into betrayal, far more than a sexual slip-up needs to happen.
That’s only the beginning.
When looking at this behavior through the lens of narcissism, it’s a narcissistic gay man finding fresh excitement in a source of new supply. Depending on how intensely the new supply tickles the fancy of the narcissist, an explosive betrayal could very well be right around the corner.
An Anecdote Of New Supply And Betrayal
Alan Downs provides an anecdote of one gay man’s betrayal of another in The Velvet Rage.
He tells the story of Peter and his boyfriend as they were in the midst of planning a trip to South Beach.
The tale started out innocently enough. The two men spent time together researching and planning the trip. They were both excited on making it an experience neither one of them would forget.
And that’s what happened, in its own way.
During the trip Peter met a Cuban doctor named Ignacio. There was an instant attraction, and while Peter’s boyfriend was away on business for the morning, Peter slipped off with Ignacio for a quick sexual indiscretion.
The indiscretion turned very serious as the trip progressed. Peter developed an infatuation with Ignacio and found excuses to dodge his partner during the trip so he could slip off and spend time with his new lover.
Peter was despondent by the time he and his partner were flying home. And, as Alan Downs describes it, Peter’s mind raced with thoughts of Ignacio and Ignacio alone as he sat restlessly on the plane. Limerence was in full effect. And that limerence led Peter to an admission. He told his partner everything and then declared his intention to return to South Beach and move in with Ignacio.
What a week.
I’ve re-read the Peter story in The Velvet Rage several times. It eerily mirrors my own experience of betrayal at the hands of the Gay Narcissist when he met the New Supply. Unfortunately, Downs reports that this experience of betrayal is not unique at all, and far too many gay men enter his practice reporting deep and cutting betrayals, hoping to make sense of it all.
As Alan Downs states in his own words:
Of course, betrayal is not unique to gay men by any means, but it does seem to be a serious problem in most gay relationships. One gay therapist I know says, ‘Second only to HIV, betrayal is the most devastating gay epidemic.’
I’d also be remiss if I didn’t point out one more detail from Peter’s story.
After the admission, Peter’s partner was stunned. But then he proceeded to help Peter pack and even gave him a few thousand dollars to make sure he made it to South Beach safely.
About a year ago I watched Scenes From A Marriage on HBO. And in “Scene II,” the betrayed partner helped the betrayer pack up her belongings—just like in Peter’s story.
Is It Possible To Overcome Betrayal?
A concept Alan Downs calls “relationship hopelessness” usually sets in when a gay man is betrayed by another.
He’s certainly not wrong.
It’s been years since the Gay Narcissistic Relationship ended and I went No Contact with the Gay Narcissist. I’ve had a depleted interest in romantic relationships ever since. I do not view it as a negative, though, because prior to meeting the Gay Narcissist, I had too much interest in romantic relationships. That led me to staying in a bad situation for far too long.
But I also believe any potential relationship will always end in disaster, so I don’t see much of a point in bothering. And that is something of a negative.
This is what Alan Downs means when he speaks of relationship hopelessness, because, as Downs writes:
“[Relationship hopelessness] is present when a gay man no longer believes that a relationship can be a fulfilling endeavor.
The remedy Downs provides is a two-step one.
The first is acknowledging that all men, and especially gay men, have short comings as people that you must accept.
And the second is that betrayal is a product of the betrayer’s “woundedness” and is not caused by the person betrayed.
Accepting that a betrayal is in the hands of the betrayer and not your fault is a lesson that must be learned. But it only works if you cultivate your own resilience, resourcefulness, and sense of identity.
This is in line with both stoic and buddhist philosophy, as we can only control our own thoughts and actions. Another person is not our responsibility, and to try and control anything else is only depleting our own reserves.
And that is never good.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
