I keep it simple whenever I have an active profile on one of the “dating” apps targeted at gay men.
I usually say this:
“I’m just having a look around. Zero expectations here.”
That’s basically it.
Aside from an additional (brief) list of some general interests, I don’t see much point in writing a blowhard manifesto. I have no interest in reading paragraph after paragraph of rambling crap some digital stranger puked up for a dating profile. I apply the same logic to myself.
That wasn’t always the case, though.
When I was younger, stupider, and far more naive, I’d carefully craft and curate a profile. Sentence density was structured with the right amount of personal information peppered with as much wit as I could muster—all while trying to avoid cringe territory.
I obviously wasn’t successful, since one of those early profiles landed me my first date with the Gay Narcissist.
It’s been a few years since the Gay Narcissist and I parted ways and the Gay Narcissistic Relationship gurgled it’s final death rattle. Since then, I’ve had minimal interest in serious dating, let alone another committed relationship. Sorry you’re missing out, boys.
Despite that, I do dip my toe into the vast digital sea of online dating and cruising from time to time. And I’m always struck by something whenever I do. It’s a residual effect left over from time served in the presence of the Gay Narcissist and then subsequent (and much-needed) work I did on myself during the Post-Discard Days and beyond.
The residual effect is this:
I can now spot guys who are most likely trouble.
I can spot them early.
I can spot them fast.
The flags these gay men wave are crimson red, and of late I’ve noticed a pattern emerge of common red flags when meeting gay men on dating (cruising) apps.
Onward…
Gay Dating Red Flag 01: He Shares Way Too Much, Way Too Soon…
I remember when I was first discarded by the Gay Narcissist—I was the biggest red flag out there.
I trolled my way through profile after profile, desperately begging and pleading for attention to help sooth my broken heart and wounded identity. Since the Gay Narcissist was gone, I was an addict without a fix, and I turned to the gay dating (cruising) apps for comfort. I’m still surprised how many willing ears I found.
But I now see the error of my ways, and I understand why I sent so many gay men running. It was no one’s responsibility to listen to all of my bullshit, and my willingness to share all of that bullshit was a huge red flag indicating that I was not over the Gay Narcissist. I was desperate to succor the pain and nothing more. Finding a meaningful connection was of zero concern.
I’ve talked to many men since moving on from the Gay Narcissist and the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, and it now stands out to me when someone bombards me with a deluge of information explaining his wounded past.
It’s way too much, and it’s way too soon.
Like it was for me, I believe it’s a plea for sympathy and attention. But I now understand how unattractive, and quite frankly, irritating it is when a complete and utter stranger dumps his truckload of baggage on you. Let’s, at the very least, get the phony pleasantries out of the way first.
There are always exceptions to this, of course. But largely, it’s a huge red flag.
Gay Dating Red Flag 02: The Relationship ‘Shopping List’ Comes Out Early
Any gay man with standards has a relationship “shopping list” in mind when meeting new guys. Because, let’s be real: the waters are dicey when dating gay men.
But keep the list to yourself.
If you’re chatting with someone online, and within the initial conversation you’re given an extensive and detailed list of everything some rando is looking for in his ideal, fairy-tale, happily-ever-after partner—yikes.
Why is this a problem?
I call it “showroom dating.”
When a guy is carpet-bombing you with his list of wants and desires—but he’s not actually interested in the human complexities of the person he is talking to—that means he’s behaving like he’s on a car showroom.
He has a list of stuff he wants his new vehicle to have, so he browses the showroom floor until he finds the right model. Then he makes the down payment (love bombing and the idealization phase) and drives off with the car in his possession. Before long the miles start adding up (devaluation) and eventually it’s time for a trade-in (discard and replacement with new supply).
It’s also been my experience that when a gay man talks an awful lot about finding the love he deserves and meeting the guy of his dreams… he doesn’t seem much interested in getting to know a person. Very little is going on organically. It’s all about entitlement, possession, and control.
It’s all about the romantic shopping list and showroom dating.
Gay Dating App Red Flag 03: Words Like “Narcissist” And “Empath” Are Thrown Around A Lot
This one might seem hypocritical, since this website is full of writings covering this stuff.
But that’s exactly it. It’s on my website where I designate space to write about these topics. But I keep it out of dating—at least for a prolonged amount of time.
This red flag calls back to Gay Dating Red Flag 01, because it is connected to oversharing too early in the process. If a man is telling you he’s been assailed by narcissists all his life, and he’s a poor and victimized giver that no one appreciates… what is this guy really trying to convince you of?
And that goes doubly so when he pushes that he is an “empath.” Alright, Jean Grey. I’m sorry to hear about your troubles, but this isn’t going to work out long-term.
As I mentioned in Gay Dating Red Flag 01, this was exactly how I behaved after the Final Narcissistic Discard and the Gay Narcissist replaced me with the New Supply.
I pushed and pushed the narrative of “oh, poor Steven” in countless conversations.
Some guys entertained it for far longer than I deserved. Others, smartly, ducked out early. As time went on, I realized that healing from my experiences with the Gay Narcissist and meeting new men were mutually exclusive pursuits. I could not handle both at same time. It had to be one or the other.
I came to this realization after inadvertently leading someone one. He was a kind and generous guy who was patient with me, but in the end, we both realized I was in no shape for dating, let alone a relationship. He did what was right for him and moved on. I respected his decision and took it as a wakeup call.
And so, I deleted all of the profiles and apps from my phone. Instead, I set out on figuring my life out as a single individual.
It was imperative to growing past where I was at that point in my life.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
