Gaslighting and narcissism — it’s never a good sign when you’re googling about psychological abuse in the midst of a relationship.
But there I was doing just that. I was years into my gay narcissistic relationship, and something didn’t feel right. Sure, I did my best to take responsibility for all the arguments and blame myself for all the dark shifts in the Gay Narcissist’s ever-churning mood.
I cocooned myself in denial. Despite the months-long stretches of devaluation, there’d be one good day—hell, sometimes even one great day—and it was those sporadic 24-hour spreads that would provide me the succor needed to keep moving forward.
But in the quiet moments of my life when my thoughts were free to wander, I knew something was wrong. And in those flashes of clarity I’d wonder if all of the accusations were true and the countless hurt feelings were justified. Could all of it really be my fault?
And then I googled an idea that spontaneously popped into my head—signs of emotional abuse.
The first link I clicked on was from HuffPost:
11 Signs You Might Be In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship
I didn’t make it past the second entry before feeling unsettled, which read:
2. Your partner uses gaslighting to maintain the upper hand in the relationship.
“Your partner declares reality for you, denying or distorting how things really are, in order to shore up a perception that supports how they see things. Common ways that this can show up is being told, ‘You’re not remembering correctly,’ ‘I never said that’ or ‘I never did that.’ They might infer that you’re not making sense or you’re faulty in the way you’re looking at things when you’re not. Because these responses can instill self-doubt over time, you’re more likely to go along with your partner’s distortions. In time, self-doubt creates a loss of trust in your perception and judgment, making you all the more vulnerable to a partner who wants to control you.”
― Carol A. Lambert, psychotherapist and author of Women with Controlling Partners
I closed the article, quit the browser, and put away the laptop.
And most importantly, I emptied my mind of what I just read. The reality of my situation was not something I was ready to confront upon first reading about gaslighting and narcissism.
You’re Wrong And I’m Right
The truth of gaslighting and narcissism in my gay toxic relationship was a powerful reality, one that the Gay Narcissist twisted and manipulated to benefit his ends.
A common dynamic in my narcissistic relationship involved the consistent testing of boundaries. With every push (a comment, a flirtation, a frivolous purchase), the Gay Narcissist would wait for a reaction. The pushes would continue harder than the last until a reaction occurred, and then the gaslighting would begin.
I was often left convinced that everything was my fault. If my attitude was better, then nothing bad would happen. If I was more adventurous, then nothing bad would happen. If I was more understanding and openminded, then nothing bad would happen. If I had more friends and was more social, then nothing bad would happen. If I had more interesting hobbies, then nothing bad would happen.
But the Gay Narcissist was a slave to his impulses, as narcissists typically act first and deal with the consequences later. Toxic individuals forever chase sensation, and they’re always ready to explain away their bad behavior at your further expense.
“It Wasn’t Any Big Deal”
The single defining event in my Gay Narcissistic Relationship was when the Gay Narcissist chose my replacement, the individual who would be become the New Supply.
This event took place somewhere I will call “the Retreat,” a location where the Gay Narcissist and I would spend some of our weekends during the summer.
During a trip to the Retreat, the Gay Narcissist made himself scarce one Saturday afternoon while I was caught up in some chit-chat with friends. He was gone for an exceedingly long time, prompting me to check up on him. When I found him, he was embracing the New Supply in his arms, an individual we both met the night before. To an unwitting outsider, they made quite the newly in-love couple. And soon enough, that’s exactly what they’d advertise to the world around them.
But in that particular moment, my own world went quiet and still. I knew that an unalterable event in my life was taking place, and everything was forever changed in my relationship with the Gay Narcissist. It’s important to remember here that my narcissistic relationship was “open,” and this was the ultimate excuse for the Gay Narcissist to justify all of his actions and behaviors, while diminishing all of my concerns and hurt feelings.
“I don’t know what’s wrong, but I’m sure I’m about to find out,” the Gay Narcissist said upon seeing me and untangling himself from the New Supply . They both stared at me as the killjoy.
As the Gay Narcissist walked away from the scene with me, I could sense the rage boiling within him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I said.
“What’s wrong?” he asked again.
“Nothing,” I said again.
“What, are you mad about what happened?”
I waited before answering. I wanted to formulate as noncontroversial a response as possible in a futile attempt of keeping the conversation from derailing.
”I’m not mad at you… but it made me really uncomfortable,” I said finally.
“… It wasn’t any big deal.”
“It was totally emasculating for me. We were surrounded by people we knew and you were taking it really far.”
And thus, a litany of justifications were unleashed:
— If I were in the same position as the Gay Narcissist, I would have done the same.
— I paid no attention to the Gay Narcissist for the entire weekend, therefore making his actions completely right and just.
— I only cared about the Gay Narcissist when he “got a rise” out of me.
— Most of the time, I acted as if the Gay Narcissist did not exist.
— Actually, I simply didn’t care about the Gay Narcissist at all.
By the time he was finished, I was defending myself against all of his accusations because I believed every last one, even though, only minutes before, he violated the most fundamental agreements of our (sham) open relationship.
By the time we arrived back at our lodgings, my head was swimming from all of the accusations and excuses. I didn’t know where one ended and the other began. All I knew was I needed to extricate myself from the situation and get away from him.
“I’m going to go lie down,” I said.
So, what, are you going to let this ruin the rest of our weekend?” he asked me.
“No, I just need to lay down. I am tired,” I said, and I promptly removed myself from his presence.
After a couple of hours, I reemerged from my respite. The Gay Narcissist immediately greeted me with a question.
“You’re not going to be a bitch the rest of the night, are you?”
“No, I am not,” I said calmly. And here I was hoping, even anticipating, that he was going to ask me how I was feeling.
How silly, Steven. How silly.
What The Experts Have To Say
Throughout my gay narcissistic relationship, incidents like this would regularly happen.
The Gay Narcissist would instigate a situation, I’d question said situation (sometimes calmly, and other times in red-hot anger). A confrontation would ensue. And when the confrontation was over, the Gay Narcissist would be tallying my wrongdoings, and I’d desperately offer him countless apologies.
Now I understand that he was gaslighting me, and just how psychologically harmful gaslighting and narcissism are.
After I was discarded and I started my own postmortem of the relationship, I was eventually confronted with the term “gaslighting” again—the same word that caused me such discomfort some years prior in the HuffPost article.
Clinical psychologist and modern-day guru on all thing narcissism, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, has spent a lot of time in her writings and videos explaining the ins and outs of gaslighting and narcissism. She always warns her audience of just how insidious and damaging this can be to the mind.
In her book, Don’t You Know Who I Am: How To Stay Sane In An Era Of Narcissism, Entitlement, And Incivility, Dr. Ramani explains that gaslighting can be both broad manipulations of your reality, such a consistently denying statements made and even lying about observable changes in the environment. This is all done in an effort to weaken your own judgment and perception of reality.
But it can be much smaller than that, as she explains:
Gaslighting has been termed “moving the goalposts,” because, not only is it a shift in reality, but it is also experiences as a change in the rules, midgame. In some ways, gaslighting can often feel like “lawyerly” nitpicky arguments…”
Dr. Ross Rosenberg, author of The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap, has his own gaslighting definition:
“Gaslighting is a systematic strategy of manipulation when a person manipulates another’s environment in order to provide their is something wrong with them.”
From Rosenberg’s summation of gaslighting and narcissism, there’s a very conscious and active element in the dynamic—it’s a long-haul strategy to control a person. A gaslighting narcissist is a skilled “puppet master” of those around him who he wishes to have power over.
Years ago, my head told me that my suspicions of gaslighting were a fabrication of my own making. But my gut new better.
Always trust your gut and not a version of reality someone else provides you.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
