It all started with an envelope from Shutterfly addressed to the Gay Narcissist.
Since I was usually home before him, I’d bring the mail in. This was the first piece of mail he received that caused panic to wash over me. I had no idea what Shutterfly was, but I was sure it had something to do with him and the New Supply.
When high levels of stress trigger my nervous system, a wave of hot pinpricks washes my scalp. Well, my scalp was sweating from this sensation as I held the envelope, reading over and over again the warning not to bend it.
I wanted nothing more than to open it and tear through whatever taunting memorabilia was inside. Part of me considered stashing it in my bag to determine its fate at a later time.
As I’ve said many times before, I wanted to see further evidence with my own eyes of how the Gay Narcissist’s life with the New Supply was so right, and how I deserved the narcissistic discard. I opened myself up to the abuse.
In the end, I set the envelope down on the kitchen counter with the rest of the Gay Narcissist’s mail and tortured myself with thoughts about what it could contain.
When the Gay Narcissist was not present to remind me of my failure as a partner, I was more than capable of carrying out the job myself.
Strength And Conviction
As I’ve been writing these accounts of my time in a gay narcissistic relationship over the past several months, I’ve noticed and accepted that there’s little structure to them.
Some of my blog posts are structured around the knowledge I’ve gained from the experts I’ve read and watched, with only sprinklings of my own personal anecdotes. And then there are others that are largely personal narratives of my experiences living with a gay narcissist, enduring a narcissistic discard, and then learning about my replacement with a person feeding him fresh narcissistic supply.
Many of these writings are a hybrid of both.
Leaving a narcissistic relationship is a protracted and awful experience, and you will make many mistakes and witness countless mind-blowing acts of callousness committed by the narcissist in your life.
One of my consistent mistakes was snooping in the Gay Narcissist’s room when he was away. I’d root through his drawers, rummage around in bags, and explore his closets.
One of the more fruitful discoveries in the early days of the discard and our subsequent cohabitation arrangement was an itinerary for a trip the Gay Narcissist and New Supply were planning. There was an exhaustive checklist cataloging different sights to see and locations to visit. Next to each item was a blank line begging for a checkmark.
The Shutterfly envelope arrived a couple of weeks after this trip took place; I was certain the two were connected.
As I have written about previously, sometimes small victories in your living situation with a narcissist can boost your self-confidence and give you a feeling of control, even if it’s brief. Depending on how long the narcissistic relationship has been going on, the already disproportionate balance of power as only shifted all the more in favor of the toxic person. Thus, you’re left either walking on proverbial eggshells or you take a stand when your strength rebounds and your conviction is clear.
And because the Shutterfly envelope bothered me so much, I decided on the latter.
“Can you please not have stuff like that sent to the house?” I said to the Gay Narcissist as he handled the envelope. He looked like he was preparing to open it in front of me.
“So, what? I can’t have my own mail sent to my own house now?”
“It’s obviously something involving you and [the New Supply]. I don’t see why you can’t have that stuff sent to his apartment.”
“How do you know what’s in it? What, did you open it? Maybe it’s something for my mom,” the Gay Narcissist said.
I laughed.
“You and I both know it’s not for your mother. Just admit it. It’s something for you and [the New Supply].”
“All right, yes, it is. I had a book made.”
One more time I calmly asked him to not have anything like that sent to the house, and then I rested my case.
“That’s Not How Life Works”
What was really bothering me were all of the affectionate, love-soaked gestures being heaped on the New Supply while I was left rejected and discarded.
But I knew all of those gestures well. I was the recipient of them years ago, when my relationship with the Gay Narcissist was fresh and new. And I wanted nothing more than to return to those days.
I was experiencing euphoric recall.
The euphoric recall summoned up memories of a time when the Gay Narcissist idealized—love bombed—me. And now I was witnessing the cycle repeating itself with a new person. Jealously and despair consumed me while I clung to the good memories. Conveniently, I ignored all of the bad ones.
“You’re stuck in the bargaining stage of grief,” the Lovely Therapist said to me as I sat in her office telling her about the Gay Narcissist and his new blissful life with the New Supply. “You blame yourself for everything that went wrong, and you think if you can move these individual events from one side of the scale to the other, you can shift the balance and change everything.”
“Yes,” I said. “That’s exactly what I think.”
“But that’s not how life works,” she said. “And changing any one of these events won’t alter a person’s fundamental behavior.”
I wanted to believe her. And the rational part of me did. But the emotional turbulence was so tumultuous and nauseating that I needed to fixate on something, anything, to try and ease the unending discomfort tormenting my mind.
And so, I’d shift to blaming myself for all of the mistakes I made and the grievances I committed in the relationship. I freely and openly lambasted every fuck-up and admonished every shit-eating comment I ever made. These were aplenty, for I’ve lived a life very full of fuck-ups and I have a limitless supply of shit-eating comments.
And all the while, the Gay Narcissist eagerly blamed me, too.
Fear Of The Unknown
The Gay Narcissist was all too comfortable in agreeing with all of the self-deprecation I piled on myself.
When he wasn’t grinning like a pumpkin from behind the glowing screen of his phone, saying God-knows-what to the New Supply, he’d sit back and seemingly wait for me to ignite some labyrinthine discussion about our failed relationship that would carry on late into the night.
But what exactly were these discussions, anyway? Who were they for, and what did they ultimately accomplish?
I was trying to find sanity in the madness that my life became. Instead of retreating to a hermitage to figure it out for myself, I put myself in the hands of the enemy.
It was during these talks the Gay Narcissist would reveal dark truths.
Or, he’d complain that some of our shared friends did not agree with his handing of the breakup and his treatment of me.
Or, he’d remind me of my own actions and behaviors that pushed him away and into the arms of another.
A recurring complaint was my control over his life. I ran every minute of his existence by cooking his meals and laundering his clothes (two genuine complaints).
But despite all of his ugly admissions, I’d still surrender to the euphoric recall. Whenever I’d allow myself to see things as they were, my brain would retaliate with some memorable snapshots from the past when the love bombing was strong.
After awhile, it became apparent that it had nothing to do with maintaining an idealized image of the Gay Narcissist and the relationship we once shared.
Rather, it had everything to do with protecting me from the fear of the unknown, which was the one thing I could not avoid.
And yet, that was the scariest thing of all.
* * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
