I searched high and low for the one great truth of what happened when I was discarded from my narcissistic relationship.
But the search was a distorted one. I was fueled by self-blame for the relationship’s failure. And whatever this truth was that I was desperately looking for, I hoped it would prove a useful tool in winning my partner back and healing the relationship anew. At the time, I would have bartered anything for that one chance.
That was years ago, and long before I started referring to my ex-parter cheekily as the Gay Narcissist. But at the time I was focused on my mistakes, faults, and flaws. I was not paying much attention to any of his behavior and how it affected our lives together. And what I did pay attention to I would quickly rationalize away.
Alas, the words “narcissist” and “narcissism” would not stop appearing as I searched. I reworded my Google phrases countless times when describing the elements of my relationship. But the results were always the same.
Narcissism.
It was a cold and ugly word at the time, and a clinical one. I assumed it was a mental illness. That assumption made me despondent, because I believed I should be helping a loved partner with a mental illness at all costs.
This was a foggy and distorted time, and my perceptions were forever shifting over the course of a single day. Nothing confused this more than the discovery that the relationship simply did not end, but I was discarded and replaced with another person, an individual I call the New Supply.
My desire to help what I believed to be mental illness, a desire I held only hours prior, quickly morphed into an obsession with an incurable diagnosis. At least with that, I’d be absolved of the ultimate wrongdoing in the relationship and its failure.
Funny enough, I kind of got what I wanted.
Let it Be An Illness Without A Cure
I believe one of the reasons why people emerging from narcissistic relationships are so obsessed with an official diagnosis and the terminology that surrounds it is the same reason why the fear that a narcissist will change for another person is so powerful and ever-present.
Targets of narcissistic abuse already have a fragile and eroded sense of self-worth. Their ability to trust their judgement is completely shot, and the voices around them oftentimes are not much help. Some may be friends, and others may be agents and flying monkeys. Many are probably hapless bystanders who merely witness all of the drama unfold.
And that’s when you hear them—those quick phrases meant to sooth and encourage you:
You two just weren’t a good fit.
Sometimes these things just don’t work out.
This is the best thing for you both.
it’s time for you both to move on and heal.
There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
These words never help, despite the intention behind them. And they always carry a sting with them.
I believe, though, that deep down individuals coming out of a narcissistic relationship know the reality of everything they are experiencing as a fundamental truth. Those experiences cannot be reduced into trite cliches. So, the search for answers begins.
When you start learning about narcissism as a personality style, it starts to fit. But simply using a descriptive psych term to describe a difficult, selfish, and antagonistic partner is not enough.
You want your truth to be cold, clinical, and diagnosable. And most importantly—without a cure.
Because no one wants a narcissist to automatically change and be a new and better partner for someone else while you’re left sorting through the rubble of a shared life left decimated.
Narcissism V. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Unless you’re a clinician, you don’t have a right to diagnose someone.
Dr. Sam Vaknin, a psychologist and author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, clearly states his feelings on this topic in a Youtube video of his.
And there have been plenty of articles written, like this one by Dr. Craig Malkin (author of Rethinking Narcissism) on Psychology Today.
These are just two examples. They surely stem from the proliferation of web content written by amateurs and armchair scholars (among which I belong) on narcissism.
But Dr. Ramani Durvasula, who I discuss regularly here, draws a pretty clear distinction between “narcissism” as a descriptive term and the official diagnosis of “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”
I’ve done an incredible amount of reading and viewing on all things narcissism over the past few years, and I have seen all kinds of laymen resources carelessly use “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” as a general term and not respecting it as a cynical diagnosis.
There is a big difference between acknowledging a person’s pattern of toxic behavior and using terminology reserved for a diagnosis within a clinical setting between a therapist and a client.
In the MedCircle feature, “Narcissism Vs Narcissistic Personality Disorder: How To Spot The Differences,” Dr. Ramani explains to Kyle Kittleson that for a person to be official diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the individual seeking help must express distress within his or her own life and/or experience romantic, social, occupational, and general impairment.
Without that component, there isn’t a diagnosis. All of the toxic, abusive, dramatic, and unsettling behavior is still there for you to enjoy, but you don’t have your diagnosis.
But how you feel does not change.
Diagnosis Be Damned
I obsessed over narcissism as an official diagnosis for many sessions when I was in therapy for a year sorting through my life and relationship with the Gay Narcissist. For about a third of all the sessions I pushed my own therapist to “diagnose” the Gay Narcissist instead of me.
And so, I’d carefully go over specific examples of his words and actions throughout the relationship and how they’d repeat into patterns of behavior.
She was a wonderful therapist, and she indulged me many times and walked through what she believed happened. She never diagnosed him, because that would be irresponsible and would not ultimately help me. Rather, she speculated on his personality style based on what I told her. And it did help.
But I was forever plagued by the fear that the Gay Narcissist would change for the New Supply, and so when my therapist’s mental succor would wear off, I’d circle back to treating the Gay Narcissist’s toxic personality like a terminal diagnosis.
In the MedCircle discussion mentioned above, Dr. Ramani addressed why the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder versus identifying someone who behaves in a narcissistic way is unimportant.
In Dr. Ramani’s own words:
“In some ways the diagnosis is irrelevant, because all that’s doing is saying the person is having problems because of it. But if they’re lying, manipulating, exploiting, raging at you—who cares if they have a diagnosis?
That’s not good for you to be in the presence of.
And then it takes us back to that more critical issue of why are people like this? They’re like this because they are insecure. And that makes people feel guilty…”
I got over the obsession with a clinical diagnosis when I moved out of my shared home with the Gay Narcissist and went No Contact.
Only then will you start to feel the psychic poison of a narcissist person recede.
And the diagnosis be damned.
* * * * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
